UPDATE

Hi

I've just resurfaced after a four-day dip in mood. I was/am really being affected by the news about my friend. Thanks for your support. I saw my surgeon last week and all is well. Also, I had my yearly gyno and all is well there too. I feel fine physically, just a bit overwhelmed emotionally, but that's improving.

I'm giving a suicide prevention talk on Thursday in Northampton, and I'm very excited about that. I'll be in my element again.

I've been listening to Pema Chodron a lot over the last couple of days, and was reminded that I am here to help ease the suffering in the world. That is comforting to me to remember.

I just finished painting a room that will become my bedroom, and I'm making a separate little area for meditation. In these days of uncertain times, I'm really looking forward to quiet time with my mind.

Love to all,
Sue

Here are some photos from the store I manage:

ANXIETY

I just found out that a friend of mine has metastatic cancer. I'm having anxiety attacks. The prognosis is not good for her, though her attitude is incredible and she keeps an open heart for a possible cure. I've never talked to a person who is most likely dying. Where will her thoughts go? Where will her voice go? Who are we really?

This is kicking up all sorts of stuff - my own experience with breast cancer, my mother's death from ovarian cancer.

Cancer is such an awful disease. It's terrifying to think that it could be growing inside of me right now, anywhere.

Please send prayers,
Sue

A-OK ... SORT OF

Hi. The mammogram was all clear, which is both wonderful and hard to believe. I don't know, there is a certain world of suspended animation about being a survivor. Since Wednesday, when I had the mammo I've been struggling a bit. It's not awful, but it's hard. I believe I'm feeling the aftermath of "steeling" myself against the threat of more cancer. Now the threat is gone and my body is still dealing with all the stress hormones and cortisol. Thanks for your support and continued interest. It will be four years this August. The technician said that after next year's mammo, I will no longer have to have "diagnostic" mammos, and that I won't have to wait around to hear the results when it is taken, I can just go home. For some reason, getting this news provides no relief. I feel like I'm walking a tight rope. I'm sure it's natural to be experiencing this at this stage of survivorship. Right now I'm just pissed that I had to go through it at all. I'm being gentle with myself and moving along. Its just odd: to be given the green light. I don't know which road to choose, and I am more than half-way through with my life. How long will the road be? How do I want to spend my time? Who do I want to spend it with? Where do I want to go?



Have a beautiful day, one and all.

Love
Sue

Hi. Tomorrow I have my annual bilateral mammogram. Needless to say, I'm pretty nervous. Doing a lot of deep breathing, and doing my best to be gentle. Eve is going with me down to Springfield, so that will be great. Just wanted to let people know. My appointment is 2:40 p.m., so if you think of it, please send me a prayer or a smile. I've been feeling some sadness around my life and the turns it has taken. Grief I suppose. Feeling a bit trapped in my circumstances, wanting to expand. I keep remembering what Rev. Michael Beckwith says, that we are each a divine expression of the universal goodness, and that this is a life of "letting" rather than "getting". That we have to LET the goodness out rather than GET the goodness. I've been asking for clear directions, but I believe most of that has been overshadowed by tomorrow. I definitely underestimate the effect of these things.

Love
Sue

O HAPPY DAY!

Hi Friends,

This morning I awoke singing "Oh Happy Day", a spiritual that lifts my spirits. Here is a GREAT version, WOW! I just found it on YouTube.

I sing with The Amandla Chorus, and this is one of our songs for the 2011-2012 season. I love it. Check us out on YouTube. I'm the one in the red shirt on the far right. We are singing two songs from last season: Akanamandla, which is a South African freedom song of celebration, and The Storm Is Passing Over -- very appropriate for this blog as well as my other blog, Bright Horizons.

I've found that life is filling up with many new ventures and the need for posting on Sue's Boob Blog has diminished quite a bit. Please do check back now and again. Most likely I'll be posting when things come up like my annual mammogram (coming up in Jan), and things like that. I feel such love at the moment for all of the people who have supported me through this cancer odyssey. I'm so glad the storm has passed over. So very glad.

I'm in the process of applying to graduate school to become a rehabilitation counselor. Feel very excited about it. As you may remember, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008, just four days before I was supposed to start graduate school to become a social worker. I've had to work through the fears around getting a recurrence just before this new jump into grad school, and I've done that. I'm ready now, to move into the new phase of my professional life and really let go of the last three years of cancer nonsense at a deeper level.

I wish you all a wonderful new year, full of perfect health, abundance, peace of mind, joy, love, and all that you ever imagined to bring happiness to your life.

I send my sincere appreciation and love to all of you.

Sue