Sue's Boob Blog

MY FRIEND BRITTA

2009-12-09T09:46:00.007-05:00

Hi Everybody. I want you to meet my friend Britta, who, at the young age of THIRTY, was diagnosed with breast cancer on November 9. Britta, I love you. I met Britta, I don't know, about ten or so years ago at a young adult spiritual direction group at First Parish Unitarian Universalist Church in Brewster, Mass. (I lived on Cape Cod for a long time before moving to western Massachusetts.) Some of you may have met Britta at my splendiforous birthday party in November. Britta has one of the biggest hearts I've ever had the blessing to know. She is a lovely young woman, wise beyond her years, and continues to be an inspiration for me. Britta is an earth woman who believes in infinite possibility. She is positive, extremely funny, sometimes quiet and shy, very attentive, a great listener, and a great friend. Britta, I want you to know how much you mean to me. Your perfect health is my wish for you. We'll be thinking of you on January 5, 2010, when you have surgery, and in the subsequent weeks when you have radiation.

Britta, we love you. You are a light, a sparkle, a magic wand. You are the beauty and grace of faeries, the playful curiosity of leprechauns. You are love. I have watched you grab hold of your womanhood and stand tall in the face of this illness. You are taking giant steps, speaking your needs clearly, and handling everything with strength, openness, and courage. You are an inspiration. Please, let's all take a moment to send Britta our thoughts and prayers for a speeding and uneventful healing. If you would like to read her blog, here is a link to Britta's Boob Blog. I reflected last night about how lucky I feel to be able to help other women who now face this situation. I know Sue's Boob Blog has helped and is helping many women and their loved ones around the world. That is a great blessing, and helps me understand why I got cancer in the first place. I do not know how long I will live. I am not necessarily counting on eighty years. But if I can continue helping people throughout my life than it has been a good one. Thank you for reading my blog and for keeping me in your thoughts. I hope what I write inspires and comforts you, and brings peace and laughter to your mind. We all need each other everyday. I'm glad I can be here for you as you are for me.

Look at her fly! Isn't she amazing? She started learning the trapeze several years ago.

I love you Britta,
Sue

NOTHING DOIN'

2009-12-07T19:45:00.002-05:00

Why can it be challenging to do nothing? I took the day really off today and spent a bunch of time watching The Office at Jen's house. She has Roku, which is one of greatest inventions of humankind, and I finally finished all of season two. Love that show. After about five episodes I started to feel odd and out of it. I suppose that's probably a normal reaction to that much TV. Now I'm home and don't quite know what to do with myself. You see, for the last several weeks I've worked in some capacity every day, even on my days off. What I really need is to get to be early, like now, and read and take a sleeping medication and get a good night's sleep. Why does that feel weird?

Love,
Sue

MY CUCUMBER THEORY

2009-12-04T11:20:00.007-05:00

Greetings from Sue's BioLab, Inc. I am doing an experiment and it seems to be working. I love cucumbers and eat them like, well, bananas. I knew that cucumbers have cooling properties (see below snarf from the web), so I've been eating a whole medium-sized cucumber every day, later in the day, and my hot flashes at night are MUCH better! How about that?

I promised myself that I would stay off the computer this morning to rest so this post is primarily snarfage with a few goofy things tossed in the mix. I've been very tired the last few days; I think it's radiation fatigue. That's what it feels like. And, by the way, I keep getting this swirly feeling in my noggin, as if I've just gotten off an amusement park ride. I'm not going to worry about it unless it gets worse. Though, I've been wondering about cancer in my knee, since it hurts when I climb the stairs. These are the things you deal with after you've had cancer. That, and wondering how cancerous anything you eat may be; or how toxic is the water your drink; or if when I use Windex at work am I inhaling cancer causing drops of chemicals --- is it seeping in through my skin? I now wash my hands after and hold my breath during a trip of Windex around the glass cases in the store. Ah, cancer.

CUCUMBER CULTIVATION TIPS
If you would like gardening tips about cucumbers, Click Here.

CUCUMBER COOKING TIPS
If you would like 882 cucumber recipes, Click Here, and scroll down the page to the long list of links.

WHAT IS A CUCUMBER?
The cucumber is a type of melon and comes from the same family as watermelon, zucchini and other squash. It is cylindrical in shape with lengths of approximately 6 to 9 inches. Its skin is very similar to watermelon, ranges from green to white. Inside, the flesh is pale green and very juicy.

The cucumber is a tropical plant but is also easily available in most part of the world. However, in some cultures, cucumber is more often used to make pickles, of which most of its nutrients would have been lost.

CUCUMBER CURIOSITIES
Cucumber has an impressive amount of water (about 96%) that is naturally distilled, which makes it superior to ordinary water. Its skin contains a high percentage of vitamin A, so should not be peeled off.

The cucumber contains alkaline-forming minerals and is an excellent source of vitamin C and A (anti-oxidants), folate, manganese, molybdenum, potassium, silica, sulfur, and lesser amounts of vitamin B complex, sodium, calcium, phosphorus and chlorine.

You have seen beauty practitioners use slices of cucumber on their eyes. It is found that the caffeic acid in this vegetable helps to prevent water retention and when applied topically, helps reduce puffy and swollen eyes.

CUCUMBERS CARE
Also from the web: Many people are ignorant of the immense health benefits of cucumber and would avoid eating cucumber where possible. Fresh cucumber may taste "bland" to some but its thirst-quenching and cooling properties are refreshing. It acts as an anti-oxidant when taken together with fried and barbequed foods. I like to mix cucumber juice with carrot or orange juices.

Acidity: The alkalinity of the minerals in cucumber juice effectively helps in regulating the body's blood pH, neutralizing acidity. The juice is also soothing for the treatment of gastric and duodenal ulcers.

Blood pressure: Like celery, this colorless drink can help regulate blood pressure because of its minerals and traces of sodium.

Connective tissues, building: The excellent source of silica contributes to the proper construction of connective tissues in our body as in the bones, muscles, cartilage, ligaments and tendons.

Cooling: During dry and hot weather, drink a glass of cucumber + celery juice. It wonderfully helps to normalize body temperature.

Diuretic: Cucumber juice is diuretic, encouraging waste removal through urination. This also helps in the dissolution of kidney stones.

Fever: The temperature regulating properties in cucumber juice makes it a suitable drink when you have a fever.

Inflammation: The Chinese think that cucumbers are too "cooling" and not suitable for people with rheumatism. But we know now that cucumber can help counter uric acids that are causing inflammation in joints. When cucumber is taken it does its cleaning work at the joints, thus stirring up pain as it eliminates the uric acid. This means it also help other inflamed conditions like arthritis, asthma, and gout.

Hair growth: The silicon and sulfur content in cucumber juice makes it especially helpful in promoting hair growth. Drink it mixed with carrot, lettuce or spinach juice.

Puffy eyes: Some people wake up in the morning with puffy eyes, probably due to too much water retention in the body (or having cried to sleep). To reduce the puffiness, lie down and put two slices of cucumber on the eyes for a good ten minutes.

Skin conditions: The high amount of vitamin C and anti-oxidants in cucumber makes it an important ingredient in many beauty creams for treating eczema, psoriasis, acne, etc.

Sunburn: When there is a sunburn, make cucumber juice and rub it on the affected area for a cooling and healing effect.

Water retention: It supplies the necessary electrolytes and restores hydration of the body cells, thus reducing water retention.

CUCUMBER CONSUMPTION TIPS
Choose cucumbers that are dark green in color and firm to the touch. Avoid those that are yellowish or are wrinkled at either ends. Thinner cucumbers have fewer seeds than those that are thicker. Store cucumbers in the fridge to retain its freshness. Cut cucumbers should be kept wrapped up or in an air-tight container and kept in the fridge. Consume within a day or two.

CUCUMBER CAUTION
Where possible, buy organic as cucumbers may be waxed or have pesticides. If non-organic, wash cucumber under cold running water and scrub gently with a vegetable brush. It might help also to soak it for 5-10 minutes with 1-2 tablespoon apple cider vinegar.

Cuke out,
Sue

UNA VACACION!

2009-12-01T11:55:00.009-05:00

Hola Amigos! It's official: Jen and I are going to Vieques, an island off of Puerto Rico. I am staying for two weeks, she for one. We've found a cute little rental apartment--very reasonably priced--just one hundred feet from the beach in a tiny pueblo called Isabel Segunda. It's a small and simple one-bedroom apartment with a futon in the living room, with a full kitchen and is within walking distance to the supermercado. I can't wait to see and experience the town and speak SPANISH. I love Spanish. Believe it or not, the owner of the apartment asked me if I wanted to house-sit for her the week after we are renting, so that she can go away and use her timeshare!!!! So, yes, I am staying on a tropical, Caribbean island for one week FREE. She has two dogs - one is a Great Dane, the other a Dachshund. Funny combination. Her house is three stories, with the rental apartment on the bottom floor. So, Jen and I will rent from January 15 to 22nd, then I'll move upstairs into her house for Jan. 22 to Jan. 29. Amazing.

Here is the house. The apartment is on the bottom floor. When she asked me to house-sit I almost started crying, my heart swelled so with gratitude for her generosity, and for the miracles o of life. I then told her about the cancer and how hard the year has been, and how this is just a perfect blessing and gift. She is thrilled to be able to use her timeshare, which apparently she sometimes can't because she can't get away. So, everyone wins! She's as excited about getting away as I am about house-sitting for her. Here are some photos of her place as well as the nearby beach. I know Jen and I will have a great time. We won't even need a rental car. We can walk to everything from the house. We can even walk to the house from the ferry dock! I can't wait to speak Spanish and be around a different culture. This is something I've wanted to do for a long time. Perhaps I will rent out her apartment for a month next January and house-sit again. This would be a dream for me.

More on Vieques trip later ...

Buenas dias,
Sue

WRAPPING PAPER

2009-11-29T11:44:00.003-05:00

Hi. I sent this Email to friends and family. Figured you might benefit from it too.

Hi everybody,

I wanted to be sure and send this Email to everyone I care about, because I feel very strongly that we all need to make big changes when it comes to holiday wrapping. I've taken about an hour to compile this Email, so please take a look and forward it to anyone you care about. Thanks.

Coinsider this: In the U.S., annual trash from gift-wrap and shopping bags totals 4 million tons.

Creative Options to wrapping paper
As you will see, there are oodles and oodles of creative options to traditional, wasteful, wrapping paper. Not only will you help the planet, you will help your bank account. All of these alternatives are FREE. Beneath this list of creative alternatives to wrapping paper are links to manufacturers of recycled wrapping paper, instructions on making a bow out of recycled paper (Great project for the family!) as well as other Green Holiday Ideas and more statistics about our holiday trash.

Magazines and calendars
Use pages from magazines or wall calendars. Save them throughout the year to use for all gifts. They are great, durable paper quality and usually very colorful.

Road Maps
Use old road maps - or go to your AAA office and get new road maps and use them. They are free to members and you can take as much as you want.

Paper Placemats and Take Out Menus
Take your clean place mats and take-out menus from restaurants and use those. Or, go through your take-out menu drawer in the kitchen and use the ones you never reference.

Comics
Use comics from the newspaper

Leftover wrapping paper
Pick up inexpensive rolls of leftover wrapping paper from Goodwill or the Salvation Army.

Used Baskets
Pick up a bunch of used but pretty baskets from your local Goodwill or thrift store. Put the gifts in the baskets and presto! Nothing to chuck. Everyone can use a basket or two in their lives.

Fabric Scraps
Do you have scrap fabric lying around? Or maybe some old shirts you never wear but that have lovely patterns. Try your hand at some easy-sew cloth bags. Put the gift in the center of the fabric and gather the fabric up around the gift and tie a piece of string around the top.Or, fold material in half and sew up one bottom and the other side. Leave the top open, insert gift, and tie shut with a ribbon.

Gift certificates
Give gift certificates this year. Place the certificates in a nice envelope, clip with hole puncher, add a bit of ribbon and dangle from the tree. The nice thing about this: there's virtually no wrapping to deal with (recycle or reuse that envelope), and the recipient gets a gift they will actually enjoy, since they get to pick it out.

Wrap gifts in other gifts
For example, wrap a soccer ball in a sweater! Games or toys for a child can go in a new backpack or a designed pillow case. Any kitchen gift can be wrapped in a colorful dish towel. Kitchen utensils can pop out of an oven mitt.

Hang jewelry on the tree
Hang earrings, bracelets, or necklaces right on the Christmas tree, or put them inside or around an open ornament.

Reuse paper and gift bags
Save your wrapping paper and gift bags and reuse it from previous years.

Grocery Bags
Make gift bags out of recycled grocery bags and cut creative edging across the top and decorate the bag. Have your kids draw on them with crayons or markers. Great family project

Plastic Containers
Go through that recycle bin and find plastic containers to use as "boxes"

Clay Pots
Clay pots can make a present look extra interesting, and are a reusable item for the recipientM. Place your gift in the pot, and use the drainage dish as the lid to hide the present from view. Tie it together with a reused ribbon, or strips of scrap fabric. You can also decorate the pot.

Furoshiki
This idea might be well combined with the "gift in a gift" suggestion. Furoshiki is a method of folding cloth into beautiful packages. Using a piece of beautifully printed cloth and a few knots in interesting places will create an eye-catching package.

A Bucket for Hobbyists
Does the recipient have a hobby? Use a bucket-like item related to what they love. For the chef, a cooking pot. A watering can for the gardener. A hat box for the fashionista. Showing them you know them inside and out will make the wrapping even better than the gift inside.

Paper Waste
Raiding the paper recycling bin is a great way to get materials for gift wrap. Magazine pages, notes from a class, the crossword puzzle from yesterday's paper all could become ideal wrapping material for a package with personality.

Junk Mail
What to do with junk mail that just keeps landing in your mailbox despite the fact that you signed up for the "do not mail" list? It's frustrating to see the waste—however, all those offers to win big, or those colorful coupons become humorous wrapping material.

Cereal Boxes
For clothing, accessories, and gifts on the thinner side, a cereal box is a great option for a unique container. Make it funny by adding a gift topper. For instance, if you're using Cinnamon Toast Crunch, wrap it up with a recycled ribbon and stick a cinnamon stick in the knot of the bow. Or string some dried sliced fruit or berries through the ribbon.

Glass Jars
After using up all the mayo for your world famous potato salad, use the jar as a gift container. Glass jars are versatile. Soak the label and remove it. Then get creative. Use recycled paper to line the interior as reversed wrapping to hide the gift, or leave it transparent for a "so close yet so far" effect. Use found objects to decorate it as a snowman

Wrapping paper swap party
Invite friends to bring their leftover rolls of wrapping paper and have a swap! It's a chance to socialize, have tea and holiday cookies.

Tips for Toppers
To put that finishing touch on a gift, try a dried orange slice, a homemade gingerbread cookie, pinecones or a pine branch, or cinnamon sticks. Let your imagination roll on reusable, low-impact and found objects that would make the gift stand out from the crowd while staying practical.

LINKS TO RECYCLED GIFT WRAPPING SELLERS
If you use traditional gift wrapping, always buy recycled-content wrapping paper. If your store doesn't sell recycled-content wrapping paper, ask the manager to order it in the future. Recycled paper will cost more, but it will help save the planet, which is the only home you've got.

Green Raising
The Green Life Store
Pristine Planet
Fish Lip Paper Designs

HOW TO MAKE A PAPER BOW OUT OF RECYCLED PAPER
http://www.allfreecrafts.com/recycling-crafts/paper-bows.shtml

IDEAS FOR GREENING YOUR HOLIDAYS

http://planetgreen.discovery.com/go-green/gift-giving/gift-giving-tips.html

MORE STATISTICS

Cards

The 2.65 billion Christmas cards sold each year n the U.S. could fill a football field 10 stories high. If we each sent one card less, we'd save 50,000 cubic yards of paper. (Use Less Stuff) Consider sending an electronic card. The following are some examples of what is available on the internet:
American Greetings

Hallmark

Ribbons

if every family reused just two feet of holiday ribbon, the 38,000 miles of ribbon saved could tie a bow around the entire planet.
Food

At least 28 billion pounds of edible food are wasted each year - or over 100 pounds per person. (Use Less Stuff)

Paper

Half of the paper America consumes is used to wrap and decorate consumer products. (The Recycler's Handbook)
Christmas Trees

Each year, 50 million Christmas trees are purchased in the U.S. (Cygnus Group). Of those, about 30 million go to the landfill. (Environmental News Network)
Gifts

The average American spends $800 on gifts over the holiday season.

According to a national survey, 70% of Americans would welcome less emphasis on gift giving and spending. (Center for a New American Dream)

About 40% of all battery sales occur during the holiday season. (EPA)
Transportation

If each family reduced holiday gasoline consumption by one gallon (about twenty miles), we'd reduce greenhouse gas emissions by one million tons. (Use Less Stuff)

LET'S START A MARCH!

2009-11-25T13:28:00.002-05:00

Hi. I'm sure by now most of you have heard the latest report presented by, "an influential group that provides guidance to doctors, insurance companies and policy makers." that states women do not need to start having regular mammograms until the age of fifty. Here is the entire article: "Panel Urges Mammograms at 50, Not 40".

Here is a clip from the NYT article regarding insurance and these changes: "The guidelines are not expected to have an immediate effect on insurance coverage but should make health plans less likely to aggressively prompt women in their 40s to have mammograms and older women to have the test annually."

Congress requires Medicare to pay for annual mammograms. Medicare can change its rules to pay for less frequent tests if federal officials direct it to. Private insurers are required by law in every state except Utah to pay for mammograms for women in their 40s. But the new guidelines are expected to alter the grading system for health plans, which are used as a marketing tool. Grades are issued by the National Committee for Quality Assurance, a private nonprofit organization, and one measure is the percentage of patients getting mammograms every one to two years starting at age 40."

AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY NOT CHANGING IT'S GUIDELINES
From the article, "... the American Cancer Society and the American College of Radiology both said they were staying with their guidelines advising annual mammograms starting at age 40."

FORMER CHIEF OF NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF HEALTH SPEAKS OUT
Nov. 22, 2009
WASHINGTON (AP) - The former director of the National Institutes of Health is advising women to ignore new guidelines that delay the start of routine mammogram testing for breast cancer.

Dr. Bernadine Healy says the directive would save money but not lives.

The recommendation, released last week by an independent panel, recommends that women not routinely undergo mammograms until age 50. Longtime guidelines have said women should have regular mammogram screening after age 40.

Healy says that if the new guidelines are followed, more women will die of breast cancer.

The independent panel, the Preventive Services Task Force, says its recommendations are based on accurate and up-to-date information.

Healy appeared on "Fox News Sunday."

LET'S MARCH FOR MAMMOGRAMS!!!
I say we organize a MARCH on Washington made up of breast cancer survivors and their loved ones. Who is with me? I am totally serious. How do we go about creating a march?

--

I would like to know who is on this "highly influential" panel. Let's find out. Maybe we could write or call or Email the person's closest to us in proximity. Here they are: Ned Calonge, MD, MPH, Chair (Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment, Denver, Colorado); Diana B. Petitti, MD, MPH, Vice-Chair (Arizona State University, Phoenix, Arizona); Thomas G. DeWitt, MD (Children's Hospital Medical Center, Cincinnati, Ohio); Allen J. Dietrich, MD (Dartmouth Medical School, Hanover, New Hampshire); Kimberly D. Gregory, MD, MPH (Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles, California); David Grossman, MD (Group Health Cooperative, Seattle, Washington); George Isham, MD, MS (HealthPartners, Minneapolis, Minnesota); Michael L. LeFevre, MD, MSPH (University of Missouri School of Medicine, Columbia, Missouri); Rosanne M. Leipzig, MD, PhD (Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York, New York); Lucy N. Marion, PhD, RN (School of Nursing, Medical College of Georgia, Augusta, Georgia); Bernadette Melnyk, PhD, RN (Arizona State University College of Nursing & Health Innovation, Phoenix, Arizona); Virginia A. Moyer, MD, MPH (Baylor College of Medicine, Houston, Texas); Judith K. Ockene, PhD (University of Massachusetts Medical School, Worcester, Massachusetts); George F. Sawaya, MD (University of California, San Francisco, San Francisco, California); J. Sanford Schwartz, MD (University of Pennsylvania Medical School and the Wharton School, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania); and Timothy Wilt, MD, MPH (University of Minnesota Department of Medicine and Minneapolis Veterans Affairs Medical Center, Minneapolis, Minnesota).

This list from The Annals of Internal Medicine does not mention insurance companies.

I've got to run. If anyone has information about organizing a march, please let me know. Thanks.

Be well,
Sue

AN AMBIEN NIGHT

2009-11-23T09:45:00.005-05:00

Wow am I wasted. I was up nearly all night, trying to get to sleep, not sure why. I fell asleep at about 8:30 p.m. watching The Man Who Knew too Much, but when I went to bed I was up and up and up, even after falling back to sleep while reading Winnie the Pooh. I feel like I've been hit by a train. I'm so fucking tired. Tonight will be an Ambien Night. I guess that's been the worst part of having no ovaries: insomnia. BUT, the other day I chuckled to myself when I thought, "I highly recommend oophorectomies!" Really, it's great. So much easier. It's very liberating.

I've been feeling G-R-E-A-T, enjoying my own company and spending time with the dogs. I took them for a long walk through the woods yesterday and I remarked to myself how nice it is to enjoy my own company. There was a time, long ago, when that was difficult for me. Two weekends ago I had a great time visiting with my college roommates, and one of them said, "People don't change." I said, "Yes they do." She said, "No they don't." I said, "Yes they do; I don't want to be dead anymore!" She said, "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that" and we all laughed. I think that old adage "People don't change" is a lot of hooey. People don't change because they choose not to. Anyone can change if he or she puts in the effort and commitment. It takes time, patience, and practice, but we can all change if we really want to see our lives improve, our relationships deepen, our happiness grow, and our sense of personal fulfillment blossom. Number one route to change: THERAPY. Number two: FAITH. Number three: ASKING FOR HELP. Number four: RESILIENCE. Number five: COMPASSION. Number six: SERVICE. I could go on and on, and in fact I do, in my book How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention. It's a guide to outthinking your brain and living the best life you can.

I've been pondering my next book for quite some time, recreating it in my mind, and I'm getting close to writing again. I've been Emailing myself ideas and they are stacking up. I feel great about the process, and the agent I've been communicating with, Liv Blumer, is indeed still interested in reading the manuscript. The last Email I received from her read, "You are amazing!" in response to my letting her know about the VA presentations in D.C. and Maryland. She and I had talked about my getting back on the speaking circuit, specifically with veterans.

I'm listening to the soundtrack to Company by Stephen Sondheim. Love it.

I'm off to Christmasland. Final touches at Wilson's for the holiday shopping season. Egadz, it's here!

OH! Speaking of Christmas ... I just found out that one of my childhood friends, Jimmy Clow aka James Clow now, is headlining on BROADWAY in Irving Berlin's White Christmas. How cool is that? I hope to go to NYC and see the show in December. I was planning a NYC trip anyway, to see the Christmas windows. Here's a publicity photo for the show. Jim is the fellow in front, center; the guy on the left, with darker hair. I think he was voted Class Clown in junior high. He was always an entertainer I guess. I'm so happy for him! And proud to have known him. I think we almost made out at a party at my house in seventh grade. Funny, what we remember.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love,
Sue

FEELING GOOD & HOT

2009-11-19T09:37:00.007-05:00

Hi. Christmas window are more than half done, praise the lord. They look great! I'm going to take pics today or tomorrow and put them on the blog. It has to be night to see the best view. I wish I had my camera last night. I'm a little tired today, but boy, yesterday I felt super. I woke up entirely refreshed. I took an Ambien Tuesday night and I was bone tired; the combination led to six straight hours of sleep. I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m., because I had to design three ads for Himalayan Views for our local paper, which I had completely forgotten. I was worried that I'd be spent, but alas, I was saved! I've got to run to the windows. Just wanted to check in. Breast still good, ovaries still gone, mood in good standing. Feels funny that there isn't much cancer related info to write about, but I'm going to research hot flashes and see what we can learn about them - why they occur, how we can help ourselves with them, etc. Last night I was up a LOT because of them, plus I didn't take an Ambien. I don't want to take them every night.

HOT FLASH 101
A sudden wave of mild or intense body heat caused by rushes of hormonal changes resulting from decreased levels of estrogen. Hot flashes can occur at any time and may last from a few seconds to a half-hour. They are due to blood vessel opening and constricting and a symptom of menopause.

Hot flashes are episodes that are experienced by many, but not all, women undergoing menopause. A hot flash is a feeling of warmth, sometimes associated with flushing that spreads over the body and sometimes followed by perspiration. Menstruating women in their 40's may have hot flashes, and hot flashes may last for a decade or more in some women. There is no way to predict when they will cease in a given woman. They decrease in frequency over time. The cause of hot flashes is not completely understood. Hot flashes may have more to do with fluctuation of hormone levels as opposed to low hormone levels per se.

Hot flashes can be treated with either oral (by mouth) or transdermal (patch) forms of estrogen -- NOT! I can't take estrogen; that's why I had my ovaries removed; the cancer was estrogen/progesterone receptive. See Tamoxifen Review. Both oral and transdermal estrogen therapies are available either as estrogen alone, or as estrogen combined with progesterone. All available prescription estrogen replacement therapies, whether oral or transdermal, are effective in reducing hot flash frequency and severity. Generally, available treatments decrease hot flash frequency by about 80-90%.

LOG CABIN CHRISTMAS

It's time to start thinking about the gingerbread log cabin!

Remember the one I made last year? No? Well, here are some photos for you to gander. See 1) A Good Day for Chemo; 2) Shawls and Cabins; 3) Log Cabin Gallery. It was a wonderful way to spend December, nurturing myself, being creative, having fun, letting my "child" play. I loved it. Highly recommended. Baking the gingerbread drywall and logs and people made the house smell lovely and Christmasy, which lifted my spirits and kept me positive. The project took about a week I think, including the baking process. I found a recipe in a cookie cookbook. I've invited Britta to join me this year (hi Britta!) to make her own cabin. I'm sure we'll have a ball.

Love to all,
Sue

P.S. What is something nurturing you can do for yourself today?

WIPED OUT

2009-11-16T17:54:00.002-05:00

Hi

It's getting very very busy what with three jobs and the holiday season upon us. I don't know that I'll be writing very much over the next week. I started the Christmas windows at Wilson's today, and I have four more to do this week, plus finish all the interior holiday display. Everything has to be done before Thanksgiving. Himalayan Views, the retail shop I manage, is also getting ready for the holidays. We're getting a huge shipment in from Nepal any day. I've been waiting for it for WEEKS. Getting frustrated. It needs to be at the store by Thanksgiving. I'm doing a lot more at the store, including all the advertising, marketing, ordering, etc. It's feeling like a lot, probably because of my other job and being tired.

My fatigue is, I think, normal, given the amount of physicality required for the Wilson's job. Lots of heavy lifting, ladder climbing, etc. My body is very achy tonight and I'm ready to take a long hot shower, watch a movie, walk the dogs, and go to bed by 9 p.m.

I feel okay otherwise. I visited my college roommates over the weekend and that was great. Long drive, but well worth it. Sleep continues to be a challenge, but I took an Ambien last night to be sure I slept well going into this week. I've been feeling anxious about all the work I have to do prior to Thanksgiving. And, I really want Himalayan Views to do well. Now that I'm manager it feels like more pressure to make sure the store sells a lot of merchandise. Then I remind myself that all I can do is my best, and that is what I do.

Cancer news: none, which is a good thing. Everything is A-OK with my ovaries, or lack thereof, breast feels fine. I got more news on the MRI, more details, and all is well. I have another in six months. Once you get into the screening process with MRIs they happen every six months for a while. I'm so tired. I thought I was getting sick because of the fatigue, but my immune system is kicking butt.

Emotionally, there have been no ramifications from the oophorectomy. Physically, my joints are achy, which can be a side effect of the lack of estrogen. Which, by the way is also a side effect of Tamoxifen, so it's not because of the Tamoxifen itself, it's because of the decrease estrogen. Interesting. Hot flashed continue. Haven't gotten better, haven't gotten worse.

Gotta go. Am at library and time is up.

Love
sue

HEAVY HEAVY

2009-11-10T21:51:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't written as of late. On Monday a close friend of mine found out she has breast cancer. She's in her early thirties. I can't believe it. All of you women out there that don't get mammograms are playing with fire. She went in for a routine physical just on a whim, and the doc found a lump. She had an ultrasound biopsy last week, and found out yesterday: stage one. She was at my birthday party on Saturday and slept over after the party. We had a great time reconnecting (she's from out of state). I'm keeping her in my thoughts and prayers. It's a blessing to be able to help her. She is the first person close to me to get breast cancer. I know full well what she meant when she said, "It's just so surreal. I want to go back to sleep and wake up and start the day over again."

Tonight at Amandla Chorus rehearsal, I just burst into sobs while we sang Peace Be With You by Jim Scott. I stood there and cried and wept while the chorus surrounded me and sang. I was singing for her and I was singing for me and the combination brought on the waters.

MRI RESULTS ARE IN
Everything looks fine. But, no one has mentioned my left breast and a biopsy on that thickening area. What happened with that. Just writing it I feel my heat rising. So fucking angry at cancer and the fact that I have to be ON TOP of all of this stuff. Why hasn't anyone mentioned it? Dr. Miller and the radiologist who did my ultrasound both thought it should be biopsied. Now suddenly all is quiet on the left boob front. It's just so frustrating: "Well, does that mean I can stop worrying about my left breast, or does that mean they just forgot? Or does that mean wires got crossed and no one made note of it in the first place?" Why, suddenly, after two physicians think I need a biopsy do I suddenly NOT need a biopsy. They all say that MRIs don't necessarily give consistent results. It's exasperating. I'm getting upset as I write this so I'm going to close.

I'm really tired and feel fragile and thin.

Love to you,
Sue

MRI #2 AND OVARY PICS

2009-11-04T09:32:00.004-05:00

This post is not for the faint of heart. As promised long ago, I present here the photographs taken inside of my body during the oophorectomy. To set the record straight, Duke Ellington was not in residence at the time of surgery, but I offer his picture here as a buffer for those of you who prefer to keep the insides of your body on the inside. I mention The Duke because today is my bilateral MRI at 1:30 p.m. down at Baystate in Springfield, and I'm driving myself. I've decided to bring along a Self Care Kit to help make the experience as easy as possible. Number one in my kit is a biography about Duke Ellington that I'm reading. What an amazing cat! The book is called Beyond Category: The Life an dGenius of Duke Ellington. I plan to read a while after the procedure, sitting in the cafe or lobby, to get my bearings before driving home. I've worn my LOVE socks just for the occasion.

SELF CARE KIT
1. Duke Ellington book
2. Bag of Celestial Seasonings blueberry tea (I'll get hot water in the cafe)
3. Hand lotion (always a good self-soother)
4. Amandla music (to practice for chorus)
5. Amandla rehearsal recordings (tiny recorder that I use to tape rehearsals)
6. Chapstick
7. A smile and deep breath

THE PICTURES
Grab your coat and don your hat. Here they are. My lovely insides. One: "Ovaries" -- very original composition. I think the fat in the upper left corner adds a nice touch, especially that lovely yellow tone. Two: "Tangering Cyst" -- need I say more. Three: "Endometriosis" -- I particularly like the perspective and the dramatic sweep.

Enjoy. I'm on my way to Jack's for a few hours before heading down to the MRI. This is a follow-up MRI to the one they took last fall.

Love,
Sue

BACK ON TRACK

2009-11-02T08:49:00.003-05:00

Greetings. After a good night's sleep courtesy of Ambien (sp?) I feel almost back to normal. Probably slept ten hours, though I did lay awake this morning from 7 to 8 a.m. I've worked out a schedule to make life easier this week. No more three-job days for moi. Wednesday is the bilateral MRI at Baystate Comprehensive Breast Center. Kind of a bummer, I haven't been able to find anyone to drive me. I think I'm going to drive myself, which I don't think will be a big deal since I have nothing else to do that day. I can just hang out at the hospital for a little while after the procedure to regroup.

Six more days until the party! I started putting together the slideshow last night. Maybe if I can figure out modern technology I'll create a link here so you too can watch it.

How is everyone? What is your day like today? It's beautiful here, bright and crispy. I can't think of anything else to write about, which is odd for me. But I will close none the less.

Wishing you a fabulous day,
Sue

TOTALLY STRESSED OUT

2009-10-30T17:18:00.004-04:00

OYE VEY! am I ever stressed out. It's been one heck of a day and it's not over yet. I have to have to do something about my work schedule. It's ridiculous. Today I've worked three different jobs - each completely different from the other: bookkeeping/admin to visual merchandising to retail management. No way can I keep this up. I thought if I blogged about it I'd feel better. So far it's working a bit. At least I sweat like a pig at Wilson's this afternoon because I was working so fast to get the displays done before leaving to come here to the store. This was the first day that Wilson's wasn't fun. I almost started crying when the forms I was working with starting leaning like the Tower of Piza. Some of the stands are wobbly and I was out of the non-wobbly ones. I'm at work #3 now. I don't know how people do it who work two full-time jobs to pay the bills. I'd be burnt toast. I've decided to close the store this Sunday so I can rest. Monday is the start of Christmas decorations at Wilson's and it's a big push to have everything done by Thanksgiving. Plus, it's pretty good money and I'm putting all I can toward paying down my credit card. I'm happy to report that I'm caught up on all of my bills, I've been able to pay back one person's loan, I'm chipping away at my back balance from therapy, and I've met my first goal in the credit card pay down: I've got it under $7,000. Next goal: have it under $6,500 by the end of the year. I don't feel well, though, spread way to thin.

WHAT I NEED
I need someone to drive me down to Baystate in Springfield on Wednesday for the MRI. We have to be there at 1 p.m., so we'd leave at noon just to play it safe. If you can give me a ride, please let me know. It dawned on me that in addition to everything that's going on, I have an MRI scheduled for next Wednesday, which is a follow-up to the MRI they did prior to surgery last fall. Of course, this must be triggering stress and fear. I hope someone can help with the drive.

I took two sleeping meds last night and did sleep a bit better. Plus I had the window way open so the room was cool, and I didn't read in bed. I just relaxed and laid there and started to get sleepy, turned off my light, and gradually fell asleep. I'll try that tactic again tonight. Last night one of my housemates and I watched Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts. Powerful and sad and exasperating. I can't believe Bush and his cronies got away with that scott free. It's a documentary plush with firsthand accounts, original footage, and a clear recounting of the events leading up to, during, and after the storm. The horrors of Hurricane Katrina go well beyond unbelievable. So much could have been done by the Bush Administration that wasn't. Did you know that rather than tend to the emergency immediately after Hurricane Katrina hit, Secretary of State Condalisa Rice was confronted by a customer in a New York City department store where Rice was busy buying designer shoes? Then Rice went to see Monty Python's Spamalot on Broadway. When the audience members began to recognize her the whole place booed. Can you imagine? Instead of responding with alacrity, President Bush celebrated John McCain’s birthday at Luke Air Force Base near Phoenix during his month-long vacation in Texas; Dick Cheney was fly fishing in Jackson, Wyoming; Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff, who oversaw FEMA, flew to Atlanta to attend a conference on the avian bird flu. When the Levees Broke is hard to watch, but it's worth the discomfort. I had borrowed it from the library a while ago, but never watched it; I knew it would be too painful. I borrowed it again the other day and last night for some reason I was ready.

OK. I suppose I should work a little. I'm so excited to go home and get into my pajamas. Then tomorrow 12-8; Sunday off; Monday all day Christmas; Tuesday off; Wednesday MRI; Thursday all day bookkeeping then Christmas then evening at the store; Friday all day Christmas then evening at the store; Saturday PARTY! Not that my work schedule is of any interest to you, but it helps me to write it down (or type it down as the case may be). I've decided to give myself a break and have the food catered for the party. Nothing too fancy, probably yummy wraps cut in thirds, and a vegetable platter and some other fingery food. As low maintenance as possible. That feels like a good decision.

Ciao,
Sue (the one with the aching calves) mooooo

5 - TIRED BUT OK

2009-10-29T08:45:00.006-04:00

The oxycodone I took last night didn't help too much in terms of keeping me asleep, but it did relax me so I wasn't stressed out about it. I woke up way too early and did my best to enjoy the solitude rather than fret about being too tired today. Got up with my alarm at 7:30 a.m., and am about to walk the dogs before going to work. I feel less tired than yesterday and less spent. I think the oxy gave me a few good hours. Tonight I'll try the Ambien. I dropped off the prescription last night. If anyone has insomnia tips I'm all ears. Through the course of the night I realized that it is, indeed, the hot flashes (or flushes) that wake me up. I'm not drenched in sweat, but my body temperature rises high enough that I'm a hot water bottle, and that heat wakes me up. I push of the covers, cool down, maybe fall back to sleep, maybe not.

It helped to only have two animals in my bed instead of three. Furry animals, that is. I haven't had an animal in my bed for a long time. I love to spoon with my dog Honey, but I think that's going to have to cease. Too hot. He's like a little space heater, which does not bode well for the flashy flushes.

Have a great day, everyone, and thanks.

Love,
Sue

3 - HARD DAY

2009-10-28T12:42:00.005-04:00

Hi. I've decided to rate today because it's been a hard one. I had a horrid night's sleep waking up a lot and struggling to get back to sleep. Hot flashes, etc. So, this morning I awoke completely drained and a bit void of affect. I met with Dr. Miller today about the oophorectomy, and found out that she left the tangerine-size fibroid cyst attached to my uterus. I had thought they took it out. She said about fifty percent of women develop these types of fibrous cysts on their uterus, and they diminish in size with menopause, so there you have it. There was a polyp on my cervix as well as in my uterus, which they removed. Both were benign. As far as the endometriosis (which I didn't know I had), she said that it will most likely get better because of the lack of estrogen, so there you have that too. My mood is sketchy today, as is my thinking, because my brain tries to capitalize on fatigue by sending negative thoughts throughout the day like, "I've lost all of my friendships on the Cape," and lovely things like that. I have to do things like sing Santa Claus Is Coming to Town to interrupt the flow of negativity. It really works, try it! That, and I have to look myself square in the mirror and say aloud, "You're going to feel better soon. This will pass." It's hard because I feel like I'm pulling around a lead weight that's attached to my head with a strap. Dr. Miller prescribed some Ambien to help me sleep. I'm okay with taking a little bit of medication for the time being, because I cannot afford to get overtired. It plays havoc with my mood.

The interrupted sleep can be a symptom of menopause, and will hopefully work itself out. She asked if the hot flashes were waking me up, but no, I don't think they are. It's more that I just wake up and cannot get back to sleep for a long while. Last night I woke up at least three times throughout the night, which does not bode well for a restful night. Let me see if I can find information about sleep and menopause. Here is a good web page about menopause and insomnia called Power Surge.

"Women often wake up in the wee hours of the morning and have great difficulty getting back to sleep. Sometimes these awakenings immediately precede a night sweat or at least a warm period where one wants to throw off the covers. Some times a woman will wake up with heart pounding and in an anxiety state for no apparent reason. Very vivid dreams may wake up other women. Other times there doesn't seem to be any reason at all why one awakes at two and three and four a.m. unable to fall back to sleep for 20 or 40 minutes or even longer.

"It is possible that these awakenings are due to the body's inability to maintain a consistent temperature due to hormone fluctuations. Even if a hot flush isn't apparent to the woman, it may be that the body temperature has risen to the point where continued sleep is impossible. It will then take a period of time before body temperature falls again making getting back to sleep difficult.

"There are a number of things that a woman can try in the hope of getting a better night's sleep."

Here is another good web page from Health Guidance

I realized today that I haven't been doing any aerobic exercise, so I need to get back into that. Also, I haven't meditated in EONS, so I have to get back into that. Both of those will help a lot. I want to do ZUMBA at the Y, but I can't stand having to drive somewhere to exercise, bring clothes, get all sweaty, get in the car, drive home, shower. Maybe I should give it a try though. I might really like it. I certainly like Latin music and I love to dance. I haven't started yoga yet, but I still plan on it. Fortunately I consume very little caffeine, if any. I can buy some Rescue Remedy, drink Chamomile tea before bed, etc. I'll have to experiment with things.

For tonight I'm taking Ambien. I need to sleep. Dr. Miller told me not to take things like primrose oil, black kohash tea, or blue kohash tea, which are used for insomnia among the natural folk because they each have estrogen-like properties. She said eating soy was fine. In order to have a bad amount of phytogens (plant-based estrogen-like chemicals), I would have to eat a table top worth of tofu.

Insomnia is now a new addition to the table of contents on the sidebar. I forgot to report that I am also having vivid dreams, which apparently can be part of the package.

I didn't even go to Amandla practice last night because I felt so spent. Let's hope tonight's slumber is deeper and more rejuvenating.

Until tomorrow I bid you adieu,
Sue

HOPE AROUND THE WORLD

2009-10-27T12:53:00.004-04:00

Hi. Last night I was reading through a brochure about ways to be of service around the world. For example, if you donate $50, you can pay for someone in Nepal to have surgery to restore his or her sight. Fifty bucks. It got me to thinking that so much is happening every second of every day, affecting so many people, and we have absolutely no idea. Most people are so obsessed with their own problems or their quest for money or power that the rest of the world and its people vanish from reality. Then there is the media, which uses bad and sensational news to sell advertising, bombarding viewers and listeners with the horrors of the world instead of offering a balanced view of the good and the bad. Good news doesn't sell advertising folks, that why we don't get much of it.

In an effort to ease some distress today, about the state of the world and how we're past the tipping point in terms of our existence on the planet, I thought I'd share some images of the beautiful planet we call home. I was in bed last night, reading about trips to Nepal, Tibet, and Peru, and came across a picture of a spectacular waterfall. I realized that at that very moment, that waterfall is flowing (as it is at the moment you read these words). That beautiful, majestic creation of nature is flowing its power over the edges and past the trees and crashing on the rocks. It flows all day long, every day. I know we hear a lot about the death of our planet, but I want to reinforce that there is a lot of LIFE in our planet. If you follow the law of attraction, then if we think just about the death of the planet that's what we'll get--the death of the planet. If we think about hope, the life of the planet, and what we can do to save it, then we cultivate hope and life. With that, here are some images of beauty for you to enjoy today.

I'm taking the day off, to rest. Having hot flashes and feeling pretty fuzzy.

Love to you,
Sue

BOBBY DARIN & PEANUT BUTTER

2009-10-26T22:47:00.005-04:00

Hi. I just watched Beyond the Sea, a movie about Bobby Darin, written, directed, produced and headlined by Kevin Spacey. I always enjoy watching this film, and each time I am impressed by Spacey's talent. He doesn't sound exactly like Bobby Darin, but his performance is believable, and the movie is such a tribute to one of the greatest entertainers in our history. As some of you know, my cousin, Steve "Boom Boom" Blauner, was Darin's manager. He's portrayed by John Goodman in the film. A lot of people criticize Spacey for casting himself as the star of the film and for performing the vocals. I used to feel the same way, but now I think differently. He does a marvelous, courageous job. I've decided to sing the song Blue Skies at my party, a song Darin recorded, which was a huge hit. Irving Berlin wrote it in 1926 after the birth of his first daughter. I practiced it with my housemate, Chris, yesterday, to figure out what key I sing it in: G. I have to tell the band which key. I can't believe I'm actually going to sing with a live jazz band! So exciting. A dream come true. Maybe this will give me the courage to find a vocal coach and really learn how to sing these old tunes, so I can perform with live musicians on a regular basis. I would love that. Here are two photos: one of Darin, and one of Spacey.

I'm beat. I've been tired all day. Bone tired feeling. And I'm beginning to have more hot flashes I do believe. I feel like I need to take tomorrow off too and rest. I didn't rest as much as I would have liked today because I had an appointment with my psych med perscriber this afternoon. Also, I baked all the cookies for my party: Lemon wafers, peanut butter pinwheels w/chocolate, and carrot/coconut cookies. Yumm-ee. The pinwheels are by far the best. I think I'm going to make more.

Sweet dreams, wonderful people. Hey, if any of you know of a vacation rental in the Caribbean, I am looking to rent one with four or five friends this winter for a couple of weeks.

Love,
Sue

7 - FEELING WEAKISH

2009-10-23T17:24:00.004-04:00

That's weakish not freakish, though I can feel freakish depending on the weather and which socks I'm wearing. I'm getting tired of these numeric ratings, so this shall be the last. I think we've determined that I'm not going to experience a dramatic shift in mood due to the oophorectomy. Isn't that lovely? All that worry for nothing. I do feel tired, but I think it's the change of season. A lot of people I talk to are tired.

I didn't end up meeting with Dr. Miller this week because she was sick, so I don't know any more details from the oophorectomy. I meet with her next week. I'm very excited because I just received an Email from a The Ontario Suicide Prevention Network in Canada, asking if I'd be a part of their April 2010 conference. So great. And I received feedback from the Perry Point, Maryland, VA facility (see pic):

"Susan Blauner was the Keynote Speaker for our Suicide Prevention Week at the Maryland VA Health Center. She is a remarkable woman who shared her story of depression, hope and recovery in a very powerful and caring way. She has the unique talent of being able to connect with her audience in a personal way, with courage, honesty, and insight. Veterans who have struggled with suicide and hopelessness were renewed with hope when Susan shared firsthand experience with suicide and how she developed strategies to deal with these feelings and thoughts. She was able to relate to their experiences and gain their trust by using the perfect mixture of telling her story and teaching helpful coping and recovery tools. Her journey is inspirational and left a positive impact on the audience. We look forward to working with her in the future."

I forgot to tell you: one of the veterans at the Washington, D.C. VA Medical Center apparently said, "There is hope for me," after my presentation. Such a blessing.

I am so frigging tired right now. And my right side hurts as well as my right lat. Same feeling of strain as before when I thought I had a cracked rib. Maybe the radiation damaged my muscle? Let's look it up: Oh, I just realized that I could be tired from the radiation! I forgot that radiation fatigue can last up to two years. That, combined with surgery on October 5, and working really hard the last two weeks accounts for the fatigue. Still, let's look up radiation and muscle damage. No luck. The closest I came was radiation fibrosis, but that has more to do with thickening of the lung pleura than muscle damage. Yeah, radiation can thicken lung pleura. Nice.

I've had an interesting proposition. I've been asked to marry someone so that he can get his green card. First a married man asks me to be his lover, then a man asks me to be his wife! All in a month's time. What are the odds of that? In all my life I have never been asked to marry. I considered this new offer briefly, because it is so unique and interesting and because it would bring me many thousands of dollars, but last night I decided: I want to marry for love not money. I will tell him today. What's next? Will a married man ask me to be his second wife?

In all honesty, in thinking about this green card proposition I realized I love my life just the way it is, and don't want to disrupt it for something 1)so risky; 2) so not in line with who I am as a person; and 3)so impersonal, particularly when it involves something as sacred as marriage.

Hey! I just found out about a Spanish/English group that starts after January 1. It's all women, and it's designed to help native Spanish speakers learn English, and vice versa. Being bilingual in Spanish is a life dream of mine. I'm so looking forward to this opportunity to meet new friends, learn about their cultures, and get stronger with Spanish. I hope one day to live in a Spanish speaking country for an extended period of time.

Can you believe I've had cancer? Gees. The realization just hits me sometimes out of the blue, most often when I am thinking about the span of my life, my dreams, my accomplishments. I never considered breast cancer to be a part of the plan. I can't believe it's been over a year. This time last year I was recovering from surgery and getting mentally prepared to start chemotherapy on November 19 at 1 p.m. Isn't it amazing that my body has weathered pints of toxic chemicals without much affect? Now that the hair is back you'd never know it. I think back to that experience and how it was like being on an amusement park ride. It was so out of my normal that I had no idea what to expect around the next corner. I definitely made the best of it and for that I am grateful. I can still remember the night of the day I had my first treatment. I went to the pharmacy to get the anti-nausea meds and my prescription wasn't ready so I had to wait in the store. I stood there, thinking about all the horrid chemicals that were coursing through my veins. Not a sole could see it happening, only I knew. On the outside I was a regular shopper. I wasn't someone who just embarked on chemotherapy treatment.

It doesn't feel like cancer was too life altering. I mean, how "altered" is my life today compared to eighteen months ago? Nothing has changed aside from a new job, deeper relationships with my friends (which would have happened anyway), short hair that's a different color. I don't necessarily feel stronger because of it. If anything I showed myself that I was already strong and fully able of meeting my needs and asking for help. One major difference is I've reconnected with friends from the past. Perhaps that is the best part of all.

I bid you adieu, my friends.

Love,
Sue

8 - BETTER TODAY

2009-10-22T09:56:00.000-04:00

After a good solid night's sleep I awoke feeling much better and more energized this morning. I don't have much time to write because I have to scoot to work, but I thought I'd check in with you. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Love
Sue

5 - WIPED OUT

2009-10-21T15:33:00.001-04:00

So tired today. I just finished two windows at Wilson's, and I'm headed home to bed (at 3:30 p.m.). That's all for now.

Sue

8 - ACTING AS IF

2009-10-20T09:52:00.003-04:00

Hi. Woke up tired and fuzzy, but I'm headed out to work. Emotionally I feel fine, I'm just sluggish. Not too much to say right now. My brain is just booting up.

I wish you all a great day. Oh, I have an appointment with Dr. Miller today -- the oophorectomy surgeon -- to go over the findings from surgery. I'll give you an update later today PLUS pictures! Not for the faint hearted, these internal pics show my ovaries, as well as the tangerine-size fibroid cyst that took up residence on my uterus. What's up with that? And I didn't even know it was there!

Love,
Sue

10 - BEAUTIFUL DAY

2009-10-19T13:03:00.005-04:00

Hi. Though I'm tired now, I feel great today. I took the dogs for an hour-long walk in Unity Park and down to the Connecticut River. On the way back I started to get tired, and I'm ready for a nap. It's interesting how different my energy is. When I got home I ripped up some weeds in the side garden and wound the hose around one of those hose-y-wrapper-upper things with the crank. Believe it or not, that's a big deal, because I've been avoiding doing it all summer. I didn't think I could make it work and it felt too overwhelming. Now I'm listening to the Amandla teaching CD to learn about fifteen songs in our repertoire. Here is one of the songs we've been learning in rehearsal. It's written by Jim Scott.

GATHER THE SPIRIT
by Jim Scott
Gather the spirit, harvest the power
Our separate fires with kindle one flame.
Witness the mystery of this hour.
Our trials in this light appear all the same.

Gather in peace, gather in thanks.
Gather in sympathy now and then.
Gather in hope, compassion and strength,
Gather to celebrate, once again.

Gather the spirit of hear and mind
Seeds for the sowing are laid in store
Nurtured in love and conscience refined,
With body and spirit united once more

Gather in peace, gather in thanks.
Gather in sympathy now and then.
Gather in hope, compassion and strength,
Gather to celebrate, once again.

Gather the spirit, growing in all
Drawn by the moon and fed by the sun.
Winter to spring and summer to fall,
The chorus of life, resounding as one.

Gather in peace, gather in thanks.
Gather in sympathy now and then.
Gather in hope, compassion and strength,
Gather to celebrate, once again.

I was going to bake cookies for my party on Nov. 7, but I don't have the energy. (I was going to freeze them, by the way.) I'm going to spend a bunch of today going through old pictures to put together a slideshow for the party that spans my life. In light of that, here are a few pictures of me as a kid. Hey, look at my hair! It's the same length as it is now. I'm the little one in the middle. I think we were experimenting with marshmallows and how burnt we could make them. Remember that? Here is a picture of my family and the Baitsells, minus my siblings and Mr. Baitsell (Uncle John), who must have been taking the photo. Left to right: Mrs. Baitsell (Aunt Carol), Johnny Baitsell, my mom Inez, my dad Stuart, who is holding me and Sarah Baitsell.

Hey Sarah! Recognize this picture? For you folks out there, Sarah and I were best friends growing up, next-door neighbors, and did everything together. We've known each other for forty-three years; met when we were one. She and I are standing in the front of the group.

I'm off to rest. First, I'm preparing some information for Dawn Christensen, the Director of the Speakers Bureau for Loretta LaRoche. She will help me arrange more speaking gigs. Loretta wrote a blurb for my first book. Loretta's the internationally-known comedienne who wrote the book Life is Not a Stress Rehearsal.

What is one beautiful thing you see when you life your gaze from your computer screen? Boy, I'm tired. I feel like collapsing on my bed.

Love,
Sue

6 - TIRED

2009-10-18T23:32:00.009-04:00

Hi. I think I've been working too much. Today was tough in terms of energy; I can definitely feel the difference between pre-cancer and post-cancer in terms of how much energy I expend over a period of time. I made myself a great big bowl of miso soup for dinner (thanks Debb for the miso from South River Miso) and settled in for the night. I've worked a lot this week, so tomorrow is a rest day. Tuesday I return to Wilson's and start changing the windows. Believe it or not November 1st marks the start of Christmas windows. They have to be done by Thanksgiving, as well as the entire store decked out for the holidays. It's loads of work, strenuous work, but I love it. I also feel feverish today , but have no fever. Body achy, skin hurts.

In terms of the ovaries I feel great. You know, I actually feel so relieved not to have them anymore. It's a huge weight lifted. I'm glad I made the decision to have them removed. Nice. I don't have to worry about running out of Kotex, or buying them for that matter. That's about fifty dollars a year. I am happy to never get my period again for many reasons, one of which is a feeling of power. That translates into being a powerful woman not because I have the ability to bear children, which is such a miraculous thing, but because I am me. Just me. I feel no remorse or sadness about not being able to have children. None at all. I am out of the propagation line up from now on. No more birth control or P.M.S. (which is a valid medical diagnosis by the way, it's no joke). I know what it is: when I had ovaries I would sometimes lament that I would never bear children; I would be deprived of that magical experience. That thought would dovetail into, "Why haven't I met anyone who loved me enough to want to marry me? What's wrong with me?" Etc., etc. Now, however, I cannot have children, so that variable is gone from the equation. No need to lament about never getting pregnant, because I can't. Somehow that feels a lot better than being able to get pregnant with no chance of having a baby.

I was in the supermarket tonight after work, walking down the toilet paper aisle, and I passed the Kotex pads, etc. I turned and pointed and said, "I will never have to use one of you ever again, Hallelujah!" Such a relief. It feels like freedom, actually, to be untethered from a cycle.

Goodnight all.

Love,
Sue

9 - HAPPINESS

2009-10-17T22:22:00.005-04:00

Good Eventide. My thoughts have drifted to happiness, its meaning, its hues and changes, and how one "rates" happiness and cultivates more. I mean, if a person is happy, can she become happy-er? And happy-er? And happy-er? What happens when she bursts through happiness, ecstasy? Nirvana? Enlightment? I got to thinking about happiness because I've been rating my mood. If "10" is the best, what if I'm a ten, and the next day I feel better than a ten? I'm an eleven and what does that make me? Does happiness, or the level thereof, expand and change as we do? Do our limits of happiness confine us to a level of happiness that we think is IT, but really isn't IT? What if we could feel overjoyed most of the time? Maybe that's an eleven: overjoyed. I'll write more about happiness in the days to come. I just wanted to open the conversation -- well it's really not a conversation since I'm the only one talking -- but I wanted to at least get you thinking about happiness and how it feels to you. Do you have limits to happiness?

I'd like to say a special word to any readers newly diagnosed with cancer. I hope Sue's Boob Blog helps you feel safe and eases some fear about the unknown. Remember that you are surrounded by people who love you. We love you. You can and will get through this, and you will discover that you have more strength than you ever imagined. If you feel inundated with complex information and medical jargon, take a look at the table of contents on the right side of the blog and find a topic, or do a search of my blog for a particular issue. There is a Google search box at the very top right of the blog, under all the pictures. Ask it to search just the blog.

Take things very simply and slowly (even though the docs won't let you slow down) and remember to breathe deep: it does wonders. Bring your favorite music to play during scary procedures like stereotactic biopsies or core (ultrasound) biopsies. It makes a huge difference; it even relaxed the doctors! Bring someone in the room with you when you have an MRI. He/she can sit in the room and read to you or pray for you. Just having a loved one close is a big help.

Ask a lot of questions, even if the doc has another patient waiting; bring lists of questions with you. If someone tells you a procedure is "non-invasive" ask him to explain step by step what is going to happen. I was told that the MRI was non-invasive. Bullshit. They inject a dye into your body. Isn't that invasive? When the tech started to prep my arm for the IV I stopped her, asked to have my friend come and be with me, and went out and got him from the waiting room. This is YOUR life and YOUR body, and they work for YOU, not the other way around. Don't let them do anything to you that you don't want them to do. It's okay to say "no", or "wait, I need a minute", or "would someone hold my hand". Be sure you have easy access to the emergency pull-cord during chemotherapy. I had an allergic reaction to Taxotere and started going into anaphylactic shock and no nurse was in sight and they hadn't left the emergency cord for me to pull. I tried calling "help ... help", but no one heard me. Meanwhile my chest is tightening, it's getting harder to breathe, my body is fizzing, and I am getting terrified. I had to call across the chemo suite to another patient and ask her to get the attention of a visitor, sitting by the bed of the patient next to her. He got the nurses. They rushed in and shot Benedryl into the IV, and stopped the treatment. The following week they prepped me with Benedryl before administering the taxotere, and made sure I had the emergency cord to pull. I tested it while the nurse stood watching. I pulled the cord, and it broke! Always test the emergency cord. Unbelievable. The upshot of that whole ordeal is: because of what happened with me, they installed brand new emergency cords in all the chemo areas - the kind that are coated with plastic, rather than a plain piece of string! and they are more vigilant about leaving the patient with clear access to it. I look at the bright side of things most of the time, and that is certainly a bright thing! I wouldn't want anyone to feel the kind of fear I felt that afternoon. It's bone chilling.

Be gentle. Be sure to eat well and treat yourself kindly. Cry if you need to, as often as you like. Play Scrabble during chemo. Order as much as you can on the hospital menu for your free lunch, and share it with the person sitting at your bedside. Definitely wear fuzzy slippers to chemo, and be sure to take advantage of the FREE HATS! Ask the nurses for one. People knit and sew hats specifically for people going through chemo, and hospitals stock up and give them away to patients. I plan on knitting hats this winter for that very purpose. Actually, nearly all of the hats you see me wearing in the flickr photos I picked up at the hospital. Ask for help. The people around you want to help, but most likely have no idea what to do. They are scared and overwhelmed too. Be specific and ask for what you want and need. It will make them feel SO much better, and you'll get all the perks! You are strong, capable, smart, resilient, and blessed. Be well. We love you.

Here are some soothing pictures for everyone. Good night and sweet dreams.

Love,
Sue

VOILA!

2009-01-30T08:58:00.017-05:00

Here is a self-indulgent post regarding hair. The fuzz on my head kept growing, so I looked like an over-ripened peach. Hat head was particularly interesting. Thankfully my eyelashes and brows held their ground, and Dr. Katz said they will remain intact despite the fourth chemo treatment on Wednesday. I think the words she used were, "They look pretty secure."

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've lost hair throughout my body, even below the equator, which brings me back to pre-pubescent times and triggers a bit of the less lovely past for me, so that has also been a challenge. When I feel triggered in the shower I just sooth myself with loving words and tell myself I'm beautiful. That helps a lot. And I tell the young teenager who still resides within that she is special and loved and safe.

I'm feeling totally fine, by the way, after chemo number four. It continues to amaze me. Big difference this time was that Anthony and Aaron, one of my housemates, shoveled for me during the storm on Wednesday, and Anthony cleared off my car on Thursday so I could go to work. I think the key to feeling well after chemo for me is not to physically exert myself too much. Too bad I figured it out at the end of the treatments rather than at the beginning, but if my experience can help those of you approaching your first chemo treatment, than that's the best thing of all. My post tomorrow will detail the things I learned through and during chemo, as well as offer you tips that I found helpful to make it an easier and more comfortable time.

I took these pictures the evening of the last chemo treatment; I was just having fun with the camera to see what I could do with changing the focal range mid picture. I like the results. They look a bit like fun house mirror images, but some look wispy and private. See what you think. I like these a lot.

Next we have yesterday and the final unveiling. Due to the extended peach fuzz I felt like I looked like a FREAK, which I probably didn't, but I felt like one and I felt like I looked sick, which I am not. So, I braved the clippers one last time and cut it all off. I much prefer the end result. I think I look beautiful, and talk about no hat head! Dr. Katz said the hair will start growing back in a couple of months. I'm interested to see if it will return curly.

Many people have a big change in hair quality after chemo. I'd be up for that. I like my hair to begin with, but a change would be nice. Part of this ongoing experiment. I'm feeling much better about the end of chemo, and confident in my perfect health. The radiation oncologist's office called yesterday and I have my first appointment February 9 at Cooley Dickenson Hospital, when they will mark up my chest with all kinds of guidelines, fit me for a board on which I will lay every time I go for radiation, and carefully place permanent pin-size tattoos on different coordinates of the breast area, all of this to be sure I am exactly lined up every time they buzz the shit out of my breast tissue. I'll be sure to take lots of (discrete) pictures as documentation.Next we have yesterday and the final unveiling. Due to the extended peach fuzz I felt like I looked like a FREAK, which I probably didn't, but I felt like one and I felt like I looked sick, which I am not. So, I braved the clippers one last time and cut it all off. I much prefer the end result. I think I look beautiful, and talk about no hat head!

Dr. Katz said the hair will start growing back in a couple of months. I'm interested to see if it will return curly. Many people have a big change in hair quality after chemo. I'd be up for that. I like my hair to begin with, but a change would be nice. Part of this ongoing experiment. I'm feeling much better about the end of chemo, and confident in my perfect health. The radiation oncologist's office called yesterday and I have my first appointment February 9 at Cooley Dickenson Hospital, when they will mark up my chest with all kinds of guidelines, fit me for a board on which I will lay every time I go for radiation, and carefully place permanent pin-size tattoos on different coordinates of the breast area, all of this to be sure I am exactly lined up every time they buzz the shit out of my breast tissue. I'll be sure to take lots of (discrete) pictures as documentation.

I promised myself that I'd stop blogging at 9, so I can work on my book until noon, so I'm off. Have a marvelous day, and remember, today could be the best day of your life! You never know. Oh, yes, and I want to make a public apology to my therapist Joan, who I know reads these posts, to say I'm sorry I spaced out on our appointment on Tuesday. My head was bathed in blueberry pancake batter. Adding to that my doc was an hour late for her 2:30 p.m appointment. Sorry Joan. I'll see you next Tuesday.

Love,
Sue

P.S. Did I tell you that I wanted to shave my head for my fortieth birthday, but I chickened out? Now, look what life brought me--interesting.