Sue's Boob Blog

A-OK ... SORT OF

2012-01-20T15:08:00.002-05:00

Hi. The mammogram was all clear, which is both wonderful and hard to believe. I don't know, there is a certain world of suspended animation about being a survivor. Since Wednesday, when I had the mammo I've been struggling a bit. It's not awful, but it's hard. I believe I'm feeling the aftermath of "steeling" myself against the threat of more cancer. Now the threat is gone and my body is still dealing with all the stress hormones and cortisol. Thanks for your support and continued interest. It will be four years this August. The technician said that after next year's mammo, I will no longer have to have "diagnostic" mammos, and that I won't have to wait around to hear the results when it is taken, I can just go home. For some reason, getting this news provides no relief. I feel like I'm walking a tight rope. I'm sure it's natural to be experiencing this at this stage of survivorship. Right now I'm just pissed that I had to go through it at all. I'm being gentle with myself and moving along. Its just odd: to be given the green light. I don't know which road to choose, and I am more than half-way through with my life. How long will the road be? How do I want to spend my time? Who do I want to spend it with? Where do I want to go?

Have a beautiful day, one and all.

Love
Sue

2012-01-17T16:43:00.004-05:00

Hi. Tomorrow I have my annual bilateral mammogram. Needless to say, I'm pretty nervous. Doing a lot of deep breathing, and doing my best to be gentle. Eve is going with me down to Springfield, so that will be great. Just wanted to let people know. My appointment is 2:40 p.m., so if you think of it, please send me a prayer or a smile. I've been feeling some sadness around my life and the turns it has taken. Grief I suppose. Feeling a bit trapped in my circumstances, wanting to expand. I keep remembering what Rev. Michael Beckwith says, that we are each a divine expression of the universal goodness, and that this is a life of "letting" rather than "getting". That we have to LET the goodness out rather than GET the goodness. I've been asking for clear directions, but I believe most of that has been overshadowed by tomorrow. I definitely underestimate the effect of these things.

Love
Sue

O HAPPY DAY!

2011-12-25T09:15:00.005-05:00

Hi Friends,

This morning I awoke singing "Oh Happy Day", a spiritual that lifts my spirits. Here is a GREAT version, WOW! I just found it on YouTube.

I sing with The Amandla Chorus, and this is one of our songs for the 2011-2012 season. I love it. Check us out on YouTube. I'm the one in the red shirt on the far right. We are singing two songs from last season: Akanamandla, which is a South African freedom song of celebration, and The Storm Is Passing Over -- very appropriate for this blog as well as my other blog, Bright Horizons.

I've found that life is filling up with many new ventures and the need for posting on Sue's Boob Blog has diminished quite a bit. Please do check back now and again. Most likely I'll be posting when things come up like my annual mammogram (coming up in Jan), and things like that. I feel such love at the moment for all of the people who have supported me through this cancer odyssey. I'm so glad the storm has passed over. So very glad.

I'm in the process of applying to graduate school to become a rehabilitation counselor. Feel very excited about it. As you may remember, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008, just four days before I was supposed to start graduate school to become a social worker. I've had to work through the fears around getting a recurrence just before this new jump into grad school, and I've done that. I'm ready now, to move into the new phase of my professional life and really let go of the last three years of cancer nonsense at a deeper level.

I wish you all a wonderful new year, full of perfect health, abundance, peace of mind, joy, love, and all that you ever imagined to bring happiness to your life.

I send my sincere appreciation and love to all of you.

Sue

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

2011-11-23T17:51:00.003-05:00

Greetings friends,

I wish you all a safe, relaxing, and love-filled holiday, however it is you celebrate. I'm feeling GREAT. I've decided to apply to grad school to become a vocational rehabilitation counselor. Very exciting. It's time for an actual "career" that will support me on a consistent level, one that will allow me to flourish, help others, use my creativity, and prosper. I'm much more excited about this than I was about social work school. As early followers know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer four days before I was supposed to start grad school to become a social worker. I've had some reservations about trying again with grad school, in fear that I'll get cancer again, but I've reached a transition and am looking forward to this new adventure. I may even start in January. I'm filling things out, getting transcripts, letters of recommendation, etc. I've already talked to the director of the program and he is excited too.

Saw a nice movie last night: The Way.

Love to all,
Sue

GENES OK

2011-11-02T00:20:00.004-04:00

Just got word that I do not have the BRCA1 (BReast CAncer gene one) or BRCA2 (BReast CAncer gene two)..

Check out my website. I just put up the "tour" page.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Love,
Sue

WAITING ON CALVIN

2011-10-13T17:50:00.001-04:00

Hi. Still no word from the gene people. Will let you know when I hear. I'm feeling great. I've been meditating again and I love it. Wow. I'm heading to Atlanta, Georgia, tomorrow to give a suicide prevention workshop at a conference for the National Association of Social Workers Georgia Chapter's Annual Conference. I am so excited. I feel wonderful about it. Getting new marketing ideas all the time. Love traveling, meeting new people, knowing that the work I do is helping make the world a better place. I just love everything about it. I've started getting requests for 2012, which is thrilling!

Hey, have you heard of The Reverend Michael Beckwith? A friend loaned me a DVD about him and his work and it's really been a jump start for me. Like a rocket booster in space. That's what got me meditating again. So powerful. Check out Agape.

Love you,
Sue

STILL WAITING ON GENES

2011-10-09T12:52:00.003-04:00

Hi. Still no word about the genetic testing, other than my insurance is definitely paying for it. I'm feeling tired today and a bit under the weather, concerned about the problems I've been having with memory. Very frustrating. Need to stick to those Omega Threes.

Have a great day all.

Love,
Sue

GENETIC TESTING

2011-09-20T17:40:00.004-04:00

I saw my oncologist today and found out that my insurance now covers genetic testing, so away we go! I had the blood drawn and we'll see what the results say. I don't quite understand the purpose, now that I've already had breast cancer and I no longer have ovaries, but I guess it could be helpful for other family members.

I just presented a staff training and an inpatient suicide prevention workshop at a behavioral health unit. Amazing. I got a call today from someone who works at Smith College in Northampton, and they want me to come and speak there next year... probably in March. I went to AAA yesterday and bought a U.S. Atlas, and a book that features all the pet-friendly lodging and camping in the country. This is happening. A trip around the country -- or parts thereof -- delivering a message of hope and opportunity. Do any of you know someone who works for Winnebago? I'm looking for a Winnebago Rialta to be donated so I can travel at little cost and get this show on the road.

Gotta go.

Love
Sue

HAPPY TODAY

2011-09-15T16:07:00.003-04:00

Hi. I feel great today. So wonderful. I feel so grateful for the changes in my life that brought me here. A lot of hard work, but so worth it!

Love to you,
Sue

MEDICATIONS

2011-09-14T11:32:00.003-04:00

Hi. I've decided I am not going to take any more medications for the prevention of a recurrence. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride, and like the title of my next book, I want to be Happy for the Rest of My Life. The Femara -- after three tries -- crashed my mood by making my brain feel very brittle. I lost my reliance. I choose not to live with that today. I love waking up in the morning and actually feel like a real person. My wrists are getting better I think! Because I'm almost done with my website - please check it out - and my new blog Bright Horizons, and I'm slathering Rescue Remedy Cream on them every morning and night. Slather. Barb, if you're reading, it's a bit like slithering.

I'm also thinking about a juice fast to cleanse me out, and HOLD YOUR SEATS, giving up sugar entirely. Gulp. Is it possible? I met a man last night whose wife had a mastectomy, then when to a place in Florida where they promote raw foods. She gave up sugar 100%. I'll have to research the alternatives. For now, I'm not eating much and the fast will help me want it less. When I was told I had high cholesterol, which I don't by the way, I stopped eating pizza and ice cream, and now I don't like it at all. Feels like I'm eating the sole of a shoe.

I am also starting to create a trip across the country: researching what I will need, looking through what I already have, clearing out my house of a TON of stuff so I could possibly rent the whole thing out for a while. I'm going to buy the book Blue Highways: A Journey into America and get inspired.

Last night we had our first Amandla rehearsal of the season. So wonderful. I feel so blessed to be a part of that group. It is truly the best thing I've done since moving out here in 2003. Take a look-see at our site where you can hear a bit of our style. I'm in the second row with a big smile on my face.

I'm off to design windows and sweat. Hot day.

Love to all, and happiness. Bright Horizons is about prosperity today. Check it out!

PRODUCTIVE MORNING

2011-09-07T11:57:00.004-04:00

Hi. I'm making room for MORE in my life these days. Cleaned out the garage this morning, or at least straightened it so the opening is no longer blocked. Feels great. Still chanting to Lakshmi.

I wish you all a great day.

Love,
Sue

P.S. Here's my new blog: Bright Horizons

SURVIVORSHIP

2011-09-06T19:08:00.008-04:00

Hi everybody,

Thought I'd drop by and say hello. I've been thinking a lot about survivorship lately, wondering if I'll ever get cancer again, and if I'd want to have treatment. I'm not so sure.

I really want to drive across country NOW and do speaking engagements on suicide prevention while I'm still here. Does anyone have any connections to Winnebago? I'm envisioning myself in a Winnebago Rialta, and I've been affirming "I am driving around the country now in a Winnebago Rialta, giving suicide prevention talks at hospitals, high schools, colleges, psychiatric units, conferences, public forums, libraries, and more. I am helping a lot of people, feeling great, making good money, and seeing all of the beautiful sites." I realized the other day that this is the only thing I know for sure.

I've been feeling great, very busy working three jobs: the store, window design, and book-related stuff. I've stopped fretting about money, even though I still haven't paid off my August mortgage, and I just received a shut-off notice from the electric company. Hmm. When oh when will my life be different financially. I'm putting a lot of stock in the public speaking end of things, figuring when I do that I am helping people. Plus, I love it and it's so rewarding. I did a lot of chanting to Lakshmi today, in the hopes that she'll help, but I've really let it go. I don't feel stressed about it, yet I know not when things will change. I used to feel so angry because I have so many, yet money is a challenge. Now I'm just saying to god, "I don't know what I can do differently in terms of work, but I'll just keep doing what I'm doing." Now, the definition insanity is defined as, "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting difference results." Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree? Your guess is as good as mine.

In terms of survivorship, for today I'm not worrying whether or not the food I eat and the water I drink is going to give me cancer again. I'm eating well and praying when I drink water. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Sept. 20. I realized that I'm feeling so much better now that I'm not on Femara. I've decided that I am not going to start it again. I'm just going to let it go. If the cancer returns, it returns. I can't worry about it anymore.

I'm going to go over to my other blog Bright Horizons and post there. Why don't you join me?

Love,
Sue

Enjoy these beautiful sites that I hope soon to see!

THE HORIZONS ARE BRIGHT

2011-09-01T08:37:00.006-04:00

Well, oye. Although my horizons feel a bit foggy, they are indeed bright. I finally finished the design of my new blog, Bright Horizons, and will most likely be blogging from there. If there are any boob-related developments I will post them here, though they really do intermingle. So far the boob front has been quiet. I suppose the whole survivorship element would be better off here too. I haven't written much about that, but it's certainly on my mind a portion of the time, like what is going to give me cancer next? The water? My food? The air? It's a bit stifling living in this world of ours, isn't it. At times it's difficult to keep attitudes up.

That's why I've created Bright Horizons. I plan on putting only HAPPY news from the world on the site, and encouraging people to be NICER and more PATIENT, with tips and tricks for life improvement and dream making. I need to know I'm making a difference in this world, and I want to help others figure out what they can do to make the world a better place, so we all feel EMPOWERED rather than OVERWHELMED by the state of things. It's up to US, all of US, not the politicians and the media and the millionaires and billionaires. It's up to you and me. We're the movers and the shakers. We can start where we are; every tiny bit we do to add positivity into the world has a ripple effect and makes the world a better place to be. This is the only world we've got!!! This is it, my friends. There's no where else to go. Let's do big things and little things every day, to the best of our ability. Tell your friends about Bright Horizons. Let's start a community of positive people and help change the world! Just something to do in our spare time, right? Ha. Joke.

I love that you all have continued to support me through this blog. I see that people still visit, perhaps to see if I've posted something new. Thank you. And thank you ALL for being there when I was whirling through treatment at the speed of sound, and losing my hair, and struggling to pay bills (still the case, I'm sorry to say), and feeling angry and sad, and forsaken. Cancer is really hard. Really hard. I thank you sincerely, for helping me get through it.

Love to all, and please check out Bright Horizons and become a follower. Tell your friends. Let's make a difference in this world!

Love you,
Sue

NEW HORIZONS

2011-08-24T21:22:00.002-04:00

Hello friends, it's been a while since my last post -- it sounds like I'm in a confessional. Quickly ... I had an MRI a couple of weeks ago, and all is well. Thank goodness. I've been busy, still, and the last few weeks have been rough on an emotional level. Some heavy stress and I've needed to be quiet.

I hope you are all well.

Love,
Sue

AT LAST! A NEW POST

2011-07-24T23:50:00.001-04:00

Greetings all:

It's been a very busy summer thus far, with many speaking engagements, travel, and as of last week, some loss. A close friend and former roommate died last Wednesday. What a shock. I'm going to start another blog, more related to my work in the mental health field. To keep aBREAST (get it?) on my activities, please visit my website www.susanroseblauner.com It's a work in progress.

Thank you all for your love, kindness, and support. It has made all the difference to me throughout this odyssey of breast cancer survivorship. One thing to mention is, I'm going to start a breast cancer support group soon, so stay tuned for that. I just have to give the facility a breakdown of my plans. They are all for the idea, just need the details, so they can arrange staffing, etc.

Love to you all,
Sue

HOWDY PARTNER!

2011-05-20T19:30:00.015-04:00

Hi. I'm writing from Houston, Texas, where I just gave a 3-hour suicide prevention "institute" at the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance National Conference. Wow, do I love doing this work. It feels so natural to me, and so fulfilling on every level. I gave a leadership forum earlier today, and tomorrow I'm doing an hour-long keynote address to 300+ people. It's been a great day, meeting great, courageous people from all walks of life. Here is the conference agenda. Here's info about the "institute" I just presented. (Scroll down a bit and you'll see my blurb.) Tomorrow night there is a Comedy Show. I was going to pass, but I think I'll attend. Sunday morning I leave at the CRACK of dawn (I leave the hotel at 5 a.m.) to catch a flight back home because I am singing in a concert at 7 p.m. I'll be fairly toast, but I'm sure I'll be energized. Just foggy (like I am now). At the bottom of this post is the flier I designed for the concert.

And, I even got chocolate covered strawberries last night in my room! Just like these! Aren't they cool? Strawberries in tuxedos. When I got back to my room last night, there was a long tray of seven of them and a card from the hotel. They are, of course, gone. I had two for a breakfast appetizer. The DBSA gave me a two-room suite. I just started laughing in disbelief when I walked through the door. It's huge and lovely. Complete with two 3.5-foot flat-screen TVs, two bathrooms, lots of furniture, a plush king-size bed and free Internet. Wow. To think that several days ago I was applying for Food Stamps. When I get home I'll still apply, and will hopefully get some. Money continues to be a challenge for me, even with these occasional speaking opportunities. I have to hold onto hope that one day, the tides will shift for me financially. I hope it's through this work or something like it. Actually, I realized that what I ought to do is apply for jobs throughout the country at national mental health organizations. I'm going to look into that when I get home. Not so much suicide prevention organizations, but general mental health. I would LOVE to be a conference organizer. Dream job.

I'm off to find some dinner. Then there is a meet and greet, then a conference orientation. I give my keynote at 4:30 tomorrow, so I'll be signing/selling books for a lot of the day in between break-out sessions. I'll probably sit in on some of the workshops, but I might need to just take time alone. There is a President's Luncheon, to which I think I am invited. Not sure. If not, I'll get some Chinese food. The hotel is attached to an enormous mall (biggest I've ever seen - as big as the cruise ship my sister and I took to the Caribbean) that has a food court with lots of options. Oh, funny story: This morning I went to a restaurant for breakfast. The hotel gives you a $5 OFF coupon if you don't use housecleaning, so I brought the coupon to save some dough. After I ate, the host brought the check. I put a $10 bill on the table (the total was $7.17), and when he came to pick up the money he looked straight at me and said, "No change, right?" I was flustered so I said, "no, I'm all set." Then he walked away and I thought, "No! I'm not all set. I didn't plan on leaving such an enormous tip." So I walked up to him (where, by the way he was counting his tips) and I said, "I need a dollar back, and I need a receipt." I bet that's the first time that's happened to him. Imagine. "No tip, right?" I've never had that happen. Actually, it's a really good strategy, but it's obnoxious and unfair (still, it's smart). So, I got my dollar back, got my receipt, and went and delivered my programs. Voila.

Academy-Award-winning actress Patty Duke will be delivering a keynote tomorrow morning at the opening of the conference. I have to be sure to get her a copy of my book with all the additional promo material. Maybe she'll portray Sylvia, the therapist I worked with for 13 years, in the movie. Here is her Wikipedia bio. Ms. Duke won the Best Supporting Actress Academy Award at age 16 for portraying Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker.

Here she is in the San Fransisco production of Wicked.

PATTY DUKE

BEEN A WHILE

2011-04-28T00:17:00.009-04:00

Sorry it's been so long since the last post. I've been house/dog-sitting for a friend who is in Hawaii, so at the moment I am caring for four hairy creatures and it's a handful. I've been feeling fairly off for a while now. I think it might be migraines. Today I felt so wasted, I just stayed inside most of the day in a dark room and worked quietly on my new website, the one for my graphics business. All is quiet on the boob front. I think I'm approaching a mammo date in May. Joy. I actually went for a lope this afternoon with the biggest of the four dogs to let him release some energy before walking all four together. I think it helped. Still flashing -- HOT flashing that is -- on a daily basis, but it's a lot better than it used to be. Right thumb/wrist is fine, but overall the hand is weaker than it used to be. Left hand is getting a lot worse, but I'm using it all the same. I'll have to get another SHOT soon. I tell ya, it scares me.

Hey, follow me on Twitter! Something new and exciting. Every day you'll get a tip to strengthen your brain.

I'm giving a short speech tomorrow at Mount Wachusett Community College as part of their suicide prevention awareness day. I'll sell books and do a lot of networking. I always feel energized after events like this, so I'm looking forward to it. I've never spoken at a college before, so it will be great to meet and talk with students. I'm hoping to generate contacts to facilitate future speaking opportunities there, perhaps in classrooms.

Aloha,

Sue

FEELING BETTER

2011-04-14T16:53:00.003-04:00

Hi. Happy to report that my mood is improving. I'm dog/house-sitting for a friend, so I feel like I'm on a retreat. It's great. Need to make this quick, just wanted to let you know.

Blessings to you.

Sue

TIRED AND JOB HUNTING

2011-04-12T08:48:00.007-04:00

Good morning all. I'm still feeling worn out. I'm also feeling sad and afraid. I've made a significant decision that has helped me feel a bit better, still it feels as though the last three years are catching up with me. If I could do anything in the whole wide world, I would get a new car -- one good for camping and traveling -- and drive all over the country, interviewing people about their lives. That is a dream of mine. I wish I could do it. The only thing stopping me is money. I'm working hard to shift my self-perspective about money. It's an ongoing process. I can't remember if I wrote about this, but one thing I'm exploring is my sense of LACK, and that maybe I believe I am inherently unworthy of financial prosperity. My life is rich with wonderful friends, I have a great house and garden, I love my animals, I am close with some of my family, I am healthy (I hope!). So, my life is abundant in many important ways. I saw a job posting yesterday for a visual merchandising manager at Yankee Candle, for which I am entirely suited. I'm going to submit a resume and portfolio of my design work. Should I get the job, it will be the first full-time job I've had since April 2007, when I left The Recorder to be director of operations for Yellow Barn Music School & Festival. That job was way beyond full time. What a wild and crazy and ridiculously stressful summer that was. Still, it's an honor to have worked for such a prestigious chamber music school/festival. It's one of the best in the world. Since the fall of 2007, I've had multiple, concurrent, part-time jobs, which I actually like a lot better. I like the variety and I really like working for myself. The trick is, range of paychecks vary greatly depending on what's going on.

BREAST CANCER SUPPORT GROUP
Yesterday I called a local resource center to see about starting a weekly breast cancer support group. I need the solidarity of women who have been or are going through this process. I need to have fun with these women, and explore what it means to be a survivor. I never wanted to consider myself that. I just wanted to get on with life, but this is really hard. Particularly because I'm single, without children, no ovaries, in full-fledged menopause at 45. I feel adrift as a woman. I look at women who are very feminine, pretty clothes, nice jewelry. They obviously take time with their appearance and feel feminine. I sometimes do, but for the most part, these days I don't really care. I think it's partly depression -- you know, pulling clothes out of a pile on the floor and throwing them on, that sort of thing. But I also think it's a mindset. I know part of me doesn't want to be attractive to men because I don't want to be hurt in any way, shape, or form. I really want to be done with it. I wish I were ninety-five. Then part of me grieves it, particularly when I'm with a family like I was over the weekend.

Back to the cancer support group: so, I thought we could meet, say, the first and third Thursdays of every month at the resource center for a more "formal" group, where we each get a chance to share what's going on -- without interruption, advice, comment (something that is lacking at the one support group that is offered around here, which is the main reason I don't go to it). We would come up with several positive, loving, affirming guidelines that we recited each meeting, and we'd support each other as peers. If there is time after we all share, we could work on a creative project that helps us explore our cancer experience. Then, on the alternate Thursdays we'd get together outside of the resource center for tea, or bowling, or a movie, or something else. Something unrelated to cancer. I think there are a LOT of women in the area who need this. Once I hear from the woman at the center I'm going to contact The Recorder and The Gazette and other area papers and see if they'll write an article about it. If not, I will write a press release and submit it. I'm actually starting to feel a little excited, just writing this post.

Better go. I have to finish the Easter windows at Wilson's. I need to get a new camera so I can be sure to photograph all the new windows as I go. My camera is shot. No pun intended.

I wish you all a beautiful day.

Love,
Sue

I LOOK TIRED ... I AM TIRED

2011-04-11T20:18:00.004-04:00

Hi. I was just looking at that photo of me in the previous post, and I look so worn out. I feel so worn out. If you have a little extra energy, would you be so kind as to send me a prayer and a twinkle. Thanks.

Love,
Sue

AN UNEXPECTED ADVENTURE

2011-04-08T12:35:00.004-04:00

Here is a photo taken during the suicide prevention forum I did on Wednesday in Greenfield.

WELL! Yesterday proved to be one hell of a day. It culminated in me backing over a steep bank, and own into a grassy field. My car was at a forty-five degree angle, and I feared it would flip. After several attempts to rid myself of this predicament, I finally gave up and went back to my friends' house, where I had just eaten dinner and watched a The Fighter - great movie. Thankfully, he has a four-wheel-drive truck, and a toe strap, and we were able to -- well, he was able to -- get me out of my mess. By then I had gotten the car close enough to the side of the road that he was able to pull me out. It was a long day.

That's all for now.

Love,
Sue

NEW ADDITION

2011-04-07T09:16:00.006-04:00

Morning one and all. I wanted to point out that there is a brand new edition to Sue's Boob Blog. Check out the sidebar, just below the Out of the Darkness logo. You'll find an inspirational video from the 2010 Boston Out of the Darkness. Click the big arrow and it will start. Beneath the video screen there are four gray boxes. Click the one on the far left with a four arrows pointing to each corner, and it will expand to fill your screen. To get back to the blog, click on the lower left gray box with the four arrows pointing to each corner, and it will shrink the video image and take you back to the blog. If you'd like to donate to the walk, click here. I'm up to $708 thus far, toward my goal of $1,000.

I'm pooped today. I gave a suicide prevention forum yesterday, which went great. It's intense work, and I usually feel pretty tired after a presentation. So, today is a day for gentility and patience with myself. I'm going in to design windows then to dinner and a movie at a friends. Looking forward to it. We're going to watch The Fighter, and they have a huge, five-foot high-def TV. Love it.

I'm feeling a bit scared about money. I must be doing something wrong. I just don't get it. I work hard, yet I continue to struggle. I know there are millions of people just like me, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm going to have to go to the food pantry today to get some free food. At least I was able to pay my March mortgage -- on March 31 -- but at least I paid it. I've got a shut off notice from the gas company and several other bills waiting for payment. I do my best to let it go and trust that all is well and that one day I'll have money. It just gets hard to believe that when I can't afford to buy food. Scary. People think, "Oh, published author, public speaker, she must have money." Not the case. As most published authors know, once the heyday of the big advance, publishing, and book tour are done, it's back regular life. Only a select few can quit their day jobs and become writers who make a decent living off their craft.

I feel like I need to do another life altering shake-r-up-per like ISA, or the Institute for Self Actualization. I did The Experience back in 2004, then the Graduate Intensive Training after that. What a phenomenal experience. B and I have talked about doing Landmark together. I need to have the rug ripped out from under me so I can reinvent my thoughts again, reach higher for my dreams, and let go of old, dusty beliefs. I need a strong reminder that anything is possible. I need to pull myself out of this vat of taffy and get clean and move forward. Financially, it feels like I'm still stuck in the past, not entirely, but residually. So much has changed in my life for the better -- on every front -- and I am truly grateful. It's this nagging piece that I've yet to fully understand. Maybe it's this day and age, maybe it's the economy, but I believe I have a lot of valuable skills to offer the world, and with all I have to offer it is my belief that I could be living very comfortably. I suppose it takes time like everything else. It's just scary and stressful that's all. I wish it were easier. Part of the joy of having an abundance of money is giving it away. I look forward to the day when I can do that again.

Speaking of which, I need to get my butt to work. Have a great day all, and remember to be kind -- to yourself and others. Can you offer a smile to everyone you meet today? Try it. It can change the world. In the meantime, I'll start praying to Lakshmi, the Hindu goddess of wealth.

Love,
Sue

HAIR IN REVIEW

2011-04-06T09:22:00.011-04:00

Good morning. It seems like there are many new visitors to Sue's Boob Blog, which is a wonderful thing. The page views are soaring. I thought, since the only significant cancer-related news is Thumb Number Two, I would pull some photos from years past as a way of illustrating the journey. By the way, I did ask B if she would come with me to the orthopedist's office when I get the next cortizone shot and she said she would. I feel better about it already. This morning, my left thumb looks a bit like a pickle, you know, like a baby dill. That whole side of my hand is now stiff. I must say, that the De Quervain's in both wrists is much better. Who on earth knows why. That big lump that I squished back into my right wrist has yet to return. Now each wrist just has a little pea-sized bump. Onto the review. First a Hair Retrospective. Above is me, last fall. I look about the same today, with several more gray hairs.

SIDENOTE: I've decided I'm going to start a peer lead breast cancer support group. We all need one. I'm going to call the local women's resource center and talk to them about holding it there. We would meet once a month, have a check-in, then do crafts or create art, or something other than talk about cancer in a formal way. We'd talk about it casually or not at all, but we'd have the solidarity of the group behind us. Then, mid way through the month, those who want to will meet for an outing, like a hike or walk, or bowling, or a beer, etc. We need this. We need community for support in this life after cancer treatment. If you have any ideas for a catchy group name, let me know. Thanks. I'll keep you posted on the progress. Onto the hair...

HAIR RETROSPECTIVE
You'll see that my hair is vastly different now than it was when it first returned following treatment. That hair actually Hurt. It was so curly, it hurt my scalp. Wow, I just published this post and looked through all the pictures. Powerful. It still feels surreal, like it happened to someone else. I'm glad I included a variety - some funny, some not. That's how it was. Sometimes funny, sometimes not. In my case I think the humor outweighed the exhaustion, stress, and fear. I made the best of it. What else could I do? When you're given chocolate cake, you eat chocolate cake! Seeing the pictures of me nearly bald is unsettling. I look so bare and vulnerable. I remember that I didn't really care all that much how I appeared in public. I only wore a wig in public once. Mainly I wrapped my head in pretty scarves. It was winter, so I also wore lots of hats. But I remember not wearing anything too. I manage a store that sells things from Tibet, Nepal, and India, so people thought I was a nun.

Timeline:
August 30, 2008 ... Diagnosis
September 24, 2008 ... Surgery, Partial Mastectomy
Early November ... Cut Off Ponytail Party
November 2, 2008 ... Keeping Abreast Fundraiser
November 19, 2008 ... First Chemo of Four, One Every Three Weeks, Cytoxan and Taxotere
November 23, 2008 ... Head Shaving Pizza Party
December 10, 2008 ... Second Chemo - Allergic Reaction to Taxotere - started going into anaphelactic shock, couldn't get anyone's attention. Terrifying. I finally got someone's attention, they got a nurse, and the medical team rushed in with liquid benedryl.
December 17, 2009 ... Second Try of Second Chemo, this time with an additional premed of liquid benedryl. Love that benadryl!
January 7, 2009 ... Third Chemo
January 10-20, 2009 ... Ten-Day Vipassana Meditation Retreat
January 28, 2009 ... Last Chemo (and the graduation diploma, and candy)

THUMBS DOWN II

2011-04-05T10:17:00.005-04:00

Hi. Last night while walking the dogs I came to the conclusion that I'm too afraid to have the another cortizone shot. I'm going to call the doc and seriously ask about being sedated. If they won't sedate me, I don't think I'm going to do it, even though I see the results in my right thumb, which is now relatively fine. Or, I just thought of something. Maybe I could ask a friend or two to come in the room with me and hold onto me when they do it. That feels like it would make a difference. That way, I could take something to dull me, and they could drive me down and back. I think knowing someone in the room loves me will help. I'm going to start asking friends today. It's at the point where I can't even extend it all the way back when I first wake up, and the swelling is such that the wrinkles over my thumb knuckle are starting to disappear. The nodule at the base of the thumb is getting bigger and bigger and hurts when I touch it, particularly around it, on the sore tendons. Such a drag. For a recap on the trigger thumb odyssey, click here.

Hard to get up today. I just realized it's because I haven't taken Lamictal for several days because I didn't have the money to pick up the prescription. I should have it now. Will check the bank and swing by and get the med today. It's one of the ones I take for depression. Better do that right now. I just remembered that with Lamictal if you're off of it for three days, you have to start at the beginning and gradually increase your dose or you could get a very dangerous rash. I also haven't been taking the Femara due to financial woes. I'll pick that up today.

I had a realization the other night, that at some level I must believe I am unworthy of true, lasting happiness. I think there is some deep deep wound -- probably a result of my mom's premature death and all the chaos that followed -- that says no matter how successful I am, I will always struggle or be hurt. I thought of a great beginning to a line for a book last night: Life is a mine field or a FILL IN THE BLANK, depending on how we look at it. The "Fill in the Blank" part is the word I haven't conjured up yet. Really it is. Life is life. Bad, hard things happen, but so do great joyful things. We can choose to focus on the pain or the joy. It's totally up to us.

You know, come to think of it....the fact that I am sensing this deep wound and the belief that I am meant to struggle could also be due to the lack of Lamictal in my brain. Wow! I don't think I've ever made that connection before. Usually the meds are screwed up and I'm really down, and then I realize why I'm having these thoughts/beliefs. It's only been three days. The brain is such a mystery. I mean, at my core, when I'm feeling totally well, I believe anything is possible. But, after having the cancer and all that entailed, I am definitely more cynical. Definitely.

I met with K yesterday to go over my visual journal with her before giving it to her to scan for her thesis in art therapy (for your newbees, click here for more info on the visual journaling.) Last night, before meeting with her, I created two pages that revolved around losing my hair. I pasted the "Congratulations Susan! You've completed chemotherapy" certificate on one whole page, and the facing page I coated with Modge Podge, then dropped strands of the hair I shaved off my head back in November 2008. I then dropped strands of hair atop the chemo certificate, and in discussing the pages with K, I realized how incredibly RIDICULOUS it was/is to CELEBRATE having gone through chemo. How fucked up is that? (sorry to the folks who gave me the certificate). At the time it's like "Wow! I feel special. Look, they gave me this colorful certificate with balloons on it and everything. It even has candy taped to it. This is something for which I feel proud and grateful." The reality is, once all that fucked up reality of cancer treatment is over, there is nothing pleasant about treatment (though I have to say the free lunches were the best part). It's like they want to do (bless them) whatever they can to make you feel as good as possible during treatment, which is their job, yes. But, the reality is, that's really not REAL. What's REAL is all the physical problems and emotional toil it generates. Check out the post CHEMO GRADUATION for details.

Yes, wooo hooo, I got through chemo with a smile on my face, but I also almost went into anaphelactic shock during the second treatment, I lost all my hair, got mouth sores, have had all these problems with my joints, have osteopenia, am in menopause (from oophorectomy), have had to deal with trauma from my childhood as a result of loosing ALL of my hair. You know, ALL of it. EVERYWHERE. Taking showers was really upsetting. I had to do it with my eyes closed. So much to deal with, and YAY, I finished chemo on January 28, 2009. Congratulations, Sue! Be happy. Be proud. We're so happy for you. What a great accomplishment. I'm ranting. It's good though, to get to this anger. The anger is real. It's not good or bad. It just is. Better to get it out than stew on it and get depressed. I can now choose to focus on hope, which is always a Helpful Thing To Do, as Winnie the Pooh would say. So, let's do that: focus on hope.

Love,
Sue

THUMB ALERT!

2011-04-04T10:22:00.006-04:00

Well, my left thumb is now getting worse by the day. I'm scared to get a cortizone shot because the one in my right hand was so painful beyond belief. I can't even imagine going through that again. I wonder if they can sedate me? I'm going to ask. I wish they could just put me under for a few minutes and do it. Really I do. It was such a traumatic experience the first time. But, at least this time I know what to expect, so maybe that will help. And maybe the person administering it will do it more slowly so that it doesn't feel like my thumb is being run over by a freight train. I'm losing mobility and the thumb itself is swelling. Oye. Will it ever end?

Tonight I am meeting with K for our final interview and to hand in my visual journal. I've even thought of holding a journaling group at the local women's center, for breast cancer survivors, so they could start exploring their cancer notebook. We all have one I'm sure. You need to with the onslaught of material you are given to read, file, and organize, let alone keep track of your schedule of appointments.

I hope you all have a great day. I'm headed out to design windows. Looking forward to it, despite the thumb. It's a great creative outlet and very physical. Hey, I just started Tweeting. We'll see where that goes. Do any of you Tweet?

Be well.

CHOOOO....CHOOOO.......
Sue

HELLO HELLO

2011-04-03T20:39:00.005-04:00

Greetings one and all. Happy to report there is nothing to report. Feeling good. Tired, but normal, whatever that is. I've had a very nice weekend and I'm looking forward to the week. My meds are finally back on track - Fluoxetine (Prozac) and Lamictal - and I'm back on the fish oils. The combo does the trick. I'm giving a suicide prevention forum this Wednesday, and feel excited to share a message of hope. I truly feel like doing this work is a gift, a blessing, my purpose for being on the planet. Tomorrow night I'm meeting with the gal who is getting her master's in art therapy, to have our final meeting about the visual journal. It's really been a wonderful process, and a way to explore certain issues that are now a part of my life as a survivor. One thing that came to the surface loud and clear was/is my sense of self as a woman. Without ovaries and estrogen, or children, or a partner, I feel hollow and empty as far as woman-y things go. How am I a woman now? That's a question I've been pondering. I'll be giving Kristen the journal to scan and review, and she'll use images in her thesis, as well as observations about the process. It was difficult at first, because it brought up all the shit, but now it feels like it's strengthened me. I have more insight and more direction. A bit more freedom to express how lonely it all really is, and how painful, even though I put up a great attitude throughout treatment. It's really a lonely thing. And for me, being a survivor is also a lonely thing. Not that I feel lonely, but I feel alone in relating to the world as a survivor. For today that's alright. I feel as though I've touched upon certain facets of myself as a person and woman that will help me feel reintegrated as a whole person, rather than a "survivor". I also feel inspired to begin painting again, and I feel ready to throw away/recycle most of my cancer notebook. Actually, I will SHRED it. That will be satisfying. I will keep all the medical info and reports, but I will trash everything else.

I've taken to destroying some of the paperwork and using it in my visual journal. For example, today, while watching Manhattan Murder Mystery, I took two 8.5" x 11" sheets of instructions given to me by the oncology nurse about how and when to take all the steroids to prevent nausea -- this one every four hours, this one every eight hours, etc. -- and I cut them up into teeny tiny slivers of paper, and I painted Modge Podge (water-based adhesive, sort of like Elmer's Glue) on the sheet of journal paper and cut the tiny strips of paper into teeny tiny weeny orts, then painted more Modge Podge over that layer, then cut more orts, then more Modge Podge, then more orts, until the steroid instructions were an unrecognizable mass of orts. It's actually quite nice. Very textured. Very satisfying to cut the paper up. I highly recommend it. I sort of felt like I was killing it. Is that okay?

Love to all,
Sue

THUMB UPDATE 033111

2011-03-31T09:13:00.004-04:00

Hi. Wanted to report that my right thumb and wrist are doing really well, though the wrist had this protuberance growing off of it like an alien invasion. Every day it grew in size until one day I just pushed down on it really hard and it disappeared! Yikes. Now the skin right around that area is weird, kind of scaly. I think I just smushed the cortizone or the fluid in the tendon or something. The left thumb is getting a little worse I believe, but it's hard to tell because I now have an injured pinky on the same hand from smashing it at work, so when I try to bring my left pinky and thumb together it hurts, but I think the pain is coming from the pinky not the thumb. Oye. In the morning the thumb is definitely worse, and it's gotten stuck in the extended position several times, which hurts beyond belief. I have to force myself to bend the thumb forward to get it out of the pain, which is like walking through fire to put it out. But, I am eons more comfortable now. Imagine that, I can actually brush my teeth without pain.

This is the final week of visual journaling. I've enjoyed the process and look forward to continuing on my own.

NEW FLASH ABOUT HOT FLASHES
I realized the other night that my hot flashes are much much better. They occur much less frequently. Such a relief. It feels nice to have one of the physical residuals start to fade. Every residual just reminds me about cancer. Probably as it gets warmer with spring they will return a bit, but let's hope not. One thing that I realized through the visual journaling is my anger around being thrust into menopause because of the cancer. Most of you know I had my ovaries removed in October 2009, thus rendering me pausal. It was actually a relief to have the surgery, because my mother died of ovarian cancer when she was fifty-five (and I was fourteen). I was happy to let them go. Still, had I not had the breast cancer, I wouldn't be in menopause right now. On the other hand, it's nice to know what IT is, rather than wonder if IT is something else. Also, it's really nice to know I don't have ovaries. That was always a tiny underlying fear, even before the breast cancer.

Lots going on on the book front. Several new speaking engagements in the works, including three at veteran hospitals. In fact, I've got to run and get back to it. I'm thrilled to have such an opportunity to help people. I feel it is my life calling.

Wishing you well, as always,
Sue

BEAUTY

2011-03-31T02:41:00.003-04:00

Some beauty for you beauties:

HEY, WOW!

2011-03-25T02:01:00.008-04:00

I just happened to see the "comments" tab, that's behind the scenes, whenever I start a post or do some design changes. There are lots of them -- comments, I mean -- most of which I didn't know existed. Thanks everyone! Can't wait to read them all. Here I thought hardly anyone posted comments on my blog, other than the porn people, and voila! there you non-porn people are. Thank the good lord.

False alarm. I see that most of the comments are SPAM. Oh well, the excitement was nice while it lasted. Thanks to those of you who actually did post, though. I see there are several legit ones, and I so appreciate your taking the time to write.

I started designing my new website tonight using www.wix.com which is super cool and free. Check it out. Today ended up being a fairly good day. I worked for about 6 hours on book/tour stuff. Looks like I'll be speaking in D.C. and Maryland again this fall at the veteran medical centers, this time on the psychiatric wards. That's the work I really love doing...visiting the veterans on the ward and telling my story to give them hope and teach effective coping skills. After I worked, I walked the dogs to a big playing field at a school and tossed the ball around. We had such fun. I realized that I can't even remember the last time I ran them. So sad for them. I'm determined to rent out part of my house next winter and lease a place somewhere warm so that we can go outside and walk long walks all year long. I ran around too, which was great until I almost fell on my ass. I made a great recovery though and avoided the fall.

VISUAL JOURNAL UPDATE
Tonight I did a lot of visual journaling. I really liked RIPPING the pages out of my three-ring binder that houses all the cancer crap from 2008-2009. I cut it up and rip it up and use it on the pages as part of my expression. I'm thinking of starting a group for women who want to do this with their cancer notebooks. It's very cathartic. Man, I went through a lot. So many frigging biopsies. So many needles, fears, doctors, appointments, phone calls, drugs, so much rallying. So much to track and remember. I'm really looking forward to creating more with this cancer memorabilia; ultimately I want to have an art show with all of it (including my three-ring binder). Once I fill up the Strathmore artist's journal I'm using, I'm going to buy another one and keep filling them up. All of these will eventually be part of the show. I like tactile, interactive art.

Goodnight, one and all, and hey! thanks for all those comments. I truly appreciate it.

Love
Sue

WORKING FROM BED

2011-03-24T17:38:00.006-04:00

Hi. What a luxury. I've got my laptop, my cell phone, and even my printer here in my room, and I've been working horizontally all day. I need it. I'm feeling a tiny bit better, thanks to the loving support of a friend. I think I just needed to know I am loved, and she lavished those sentiments and made me some soup. Soup is always good. Still, I'm dealing with a lot of grief around my identity as a cancer survivor -- launching into menopause due to the oophorectomy, being single, childless. It's normal for any woman to look back on her life and reflect on the experience of being a woman, when menopause begins. For me, it was not gradual in any way. I had no time to prepare. Out went the ovaries on October 8, 2009, and in came menopause. I'm still doing the visual journaling, which is both helping and hindering. I think it's acting as a cauldron for stewing on my sadness. At the same time, it's nice to have a place to express how I'm feeling using imagery. Last night a drew a lot of human figures with a big empty torso. That's sort of how I feel. Who am I? What is my body to me now? Can I see/feel myself female and sexy and desirable? Do I even want to see myself that way anymore? Is it possible?

I also realized that I don't have much FUN in my life. It's all so serious and mostly focused on work: the tour, the store, the windows, etc. It needs fun. I'm a very social person, and I haven't been too social over the last few years. I've retreated into a smaller world. Yes, I have many friends and we get together for dinner or to watch a movie, or to go and hear some music, but I need PEOPLE and SCENES. I really need to remember what I like to do for fun -- like dancing -- and do it. What I'd really like to do is take a clowning class. I think I'm going to sign up for a juggling class at a circus school. That would be really fun, and it's physical, and it will help my brain health. The bilateral stimulation of juggling is really good for neural activity. Plus, I want to use juggling in my suicide prevention workshops (esp. at high schools).

I'm headed to NH this weekend to exhibit at a suicide prevention conference. Looking forward to it. Generally when I do these things I get a charge, because it reminds me of my life purpose. BUT I need to focus on having more FUN when I get back, and start putting things on the calendar that are very social and active. Maybe a game night?

I wish you all well. Thanks for your continued support. If you have any ideas for having fun I'm all ears.

Love
Sue

FEELING INCREDIBLY SAD

2011-03-22T21:17:00.004-04:00

Hi. I just got home from Amandla rehearsal, where I cried through two songs. I don't know, I just feel really sad. I'm not going to get into it here, suffice to say I've been through a lot since August 2008, and I'd like life to be a little easier for a while.

Sue

HEY! CAST YOUR VOTE

2011-03-20T13:07:00.004-04:00

Hey! VOTE for the chorus I sing with. We're in a contest called Together in Song on WGBY out of Springfield. Here is a link so you can WATCH AND HEAR AMANDLA. Please share this with all of your friends, and if you live in my area, ask them to vote for us TODAY - Sunday March 20 at 5 p.m. The show will be aired again on WGBY. Thanks a million. I'm in the back row on the right, red shirt. eyebrows going up and down. I feel a lot better today. Things at both of my regular jobs are good. Book stuff is coming along. Exciting week this week. I'm going to MIT on Wednesday to attend a seminar on the brain and depression; then on Saturday I'm exhibiting my book at the New Hampshire NAMI Annual Conference. It's gorgeous here today. I'm spending a lot of time thinking about and praying for the people of Japan.

I wish you all a wonderful day.

Love
Sue

BRAIN MRI

2011-03-16T09:01:00.004-04:00

Hi. On Monday I had a brain MRI. I saw my oncologist that morning, and told her about the bouts of dizziness, the problems with balance, the weird things with my eyesight, so she scheduled the MRI. Thankfully, it was normal. All in the noggin is fine. I've been really struggling with mood lately. I feel a little bit better today. I'm hoping that getting back to a regular sleep schedule will help. I've been staying up too late. Still, I've been feeling a lot of sadness around the breast cancer, I think stirred up by the visual journaling. I feel very alone, even though I know I'm not. My mind has been not so nice to me lately, and I'm working with it. Very critical.

JAPAN
Of course I can't help but feel such sorrow for the people and animals of Japan. I don't even know what to write, it is such an enormous loss of life: human, animal, and plant.

I've got to go. Just wanted to report about the MRI on Monday.

Love to all,
Sue

TRAIN WRECK

2011-03-11T10:21:00.004-05:00

Hi. I'm not exactly sure why, but I feel like I've been hit by a train. My mind feels like mashed potatoes. Yesterday at work I smashed my left hand against a door jam and now I can barely move my left pinky. What is it with the hand issues? It's pretty painful. Can't make a fist, knuckle is swollen. I iced it this morning as I slept. I've been having some issues with balance lately, and this is one of the results. I was walking up some steps and I tripped over my feet and started to fall backward, so I reached forward to grab the door jam and I smashed my hand. I just soldiered along though, not skipping a beat, to finish doing all the spring flower arrangements throughout Wilson's. My head is foggy, it's really hard to focus and screen out unwanted stimulus. I think it's the increased meds. I feel "activated" as the med prescriber said. I'd like to de-activate, thank you very much. My memory is relatively shot right now too. Short term, forget it. And time seems to be passing at lightening speed. Of course I am still worried that the cancer has metastasized to my brain.

Yet another day as a breast cancer survivor.

Love,

Sue

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM

2011-03-09T13:01:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday Mom,

Wish you were here.

Love
Sue

THUMB/WRIST UPDATE

2011-03-08T18:03:00.005-05:00

Hi. Happily, my thumb is much better since the shot. My wrist, however, is growing a pea-size lookinh knob on it, and there is some pain at times. Still not sure if it was worth the excruciating pain of the cortizone shot, but that is becoming a passing memory. Not much else to tell, other than things are going really well with the tour. As of today I have three more events where I'll be presenting suicide prevention workshops. More on that later. I have to hustle to rehearsal tonight. I just wanted to let you know how Tom Thumb was doing. Oh, I met with Kristen, the gal who's getting her master's degree in art therapy. Some of you know that I am participating in her thesis project by visually journaling about my experience with cancer. It's been very helpful. I'm getting in touch with the sadness I feel around getting cancer, and the feeling of being "punished" somehow by god, as if I am not meant to be happy. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. She would be eighty-six. For newbees, my mom died May 5, 1980, of ovarian cancer. She was fifty-five. I was fourteen. Needless to say, getting breast cancer at the age of forty-three brought home what my mother must have gone through. It's been a long process of recovery from her death, and I suppose it's never really over.

METALLIC TASTE IN MOUTH
I upped my meds to 60 mg of fluoxetine about a month ago and that seems to have helped my mood, though now I think it's too much so I'm dropping by 10 mg/day. One thing I've noticed is a metallic taste in my mouth, primarily on the left side. I wonder if it's a side effect of Femara? Or the increased meds? In any case, it's a pain in the ass.

Dinner's ready. I hope you are all doing well.

Love,
Sue

CORTISONE SHOT

2011-03-01T13:43:00.002-05:00

All I can say is, getting the cortisone shot yesterday was the most painful thing I have EVER experienced in my entire life. More painful than any of the breast things. Way more painful. I started screaming. He couldn't even finish giving me the whole dose in my wrist because I was screaming and crying so loudly. I ended up laying down on the table in the room because my legs were wobbly when I got up from the chair. To those people who told me it wouldn't hurt that much, or that I'd just feel a lot of pressure, I say phooey. This was AWFUL with a capital A. It was awful. Awful. Awful. Part of the extreme reaction I had was due to the fact that it stirred up everything about the breast cancer and treatment that involved my body. How invasive it all was. How terrible. I'm just getting in touch with those feelings now. Having the visual journal is perfect. I plan to write and paint and draw about the cortisone shot tonight. I decided to have him do my right hand first -- both the thumb and the wrist -- to see how that goes. In a few weeks I have an appointment with a physician's assistant - a WOMAN - who will, I'm sure, be more sensitive to my needs, pain, and fears. (Sorry guys, but that's the way it is. In general, women are more sensitive in empathic.)

The "pad" of my right thumb is definitely much less swollen. I wouldn't say it feels any better in terms of functionality, but I guess it is more flexible. Probably due to the decrease in inflammation. I'm not sure if I'll get the left hand done. The experience was so $%(#-ing traumatic. I'll see how it goes. When I start working on the March windows for Wilson's that will be a good indicator.

In the meantime, I'm so glad it's over. For those of you who need to get cortisone shots for trigger thumb or De Quervain's, be sure to bring someone with you to drive home. It was a comfort to have my house-mate, Chris, there in the waiting room when I emerged. I felt very weak. And, know that it will HURT. In the words of the nurse, "It hurts like hell." And so it does. Awful. Awful. Awful.

I need to get back to work on the tour. I just got word that I'll be giving a presentation at the United States Psychiatric Rehabilitation Conference in Boston in June.

Hey, if you want to "LIKE" my Facebook page, please click here, and click LIKE. Thanks.

Love to all,
Sue

OH, AND ...

2011-02-25T12:19:00.005-05:00

THUMB UPDATE

2011-02-25T06:50:00.007-05:00

Good morning. Unless it's my imagination, the trigger thumb is coming back. Usually in the morning, the symptoms are a bit worse, but after I'm up and about they subside for the most part. Let's see what happens today. Right now, upon awakening, my right thumb is sticking a bit when I bend it down. There is a definite "click" or trigger when I bend it down. The left thumb I cannot straighten fully. This is how it all began the first time. I want to be sure to document all these changes so I can tell my oncologist in detail how things began if indeed the trigger thumb is returning. It's hard for me to believe that after only two days back on the medication, the problem would return so quickly, but who knows. I'm glad I'm seeing the orthopedist on Monday. It's lovely outside this morning. Very snowy like a in storybook. I'm going to go back to sleep. I just wanted to get this on record.

On a happier, distinctly more fun note, tomorrow night I'll be going to Greenfield Savings Bank's Annual Dinner, which has Mardi Gras as its theme, so I'm conjuring up a creative costume. I already have a couple masks and long shiny blue gloves and beads, but I don't know what I'm going to wear otherwise. I'm going as D's guest. Looking forward to it. Then on Sunday I'm singing at a retirement community with members of Amandla Chorus. Should be a good weekend.

Have a great day.

Sue

FEMARA RESTART

2011-02-24T18:31:00.012-05:00

Greetings all. I finally restarted Femara yesterday, February 23, 2011. Let's see what happens with my thumbs. I have an appointment with a hand specialist on Monday in Springfield, so hopefully he can give me some direction for the De Quarvain's tenosynovitis.

Did I tell you that I've been asked to give a keynote address and a 3-hour suicide prevention workshop at the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance National Conference in Houston, Texas? I'm thrilled. It will be great to travel west, meet new people, help a lot of people, and do what I believe I was put on this Earth to do. I've been networking with many Texans in the mental health and suicide prevention fields to set up other speaking presentations throughout state. If you have any contacts, please let me know sue.blauner@gmail.com. Thanks. I'm also looking for contacts in Florida, Georgia, and Massachusetts at the moment.

VISUAL JOURNALING
Two weekends ago, I answered a Craigslist ad, posted by a graduate student at Springfield College who is getting her master's degree in Art Therapy. She is/was looking for cancer survivors to participate in a study as part of her thesis. Here is the ad (see below) with the Craigslist contact Email. The woman's name is Kristen, and she is still actively looking for participants. If you are interested, she's very nice and easy to talk with. The top image in the post is the first page of my journal. It felt important to affirm my beauty right from the start. The image to the left is the second page. I'm realizing that cancer really affected my sense of physicality. At the bottom of the post is page three, an outline of my right hand. Kristen and I met for our initial interview on Monday, which took about an hour, but we met for about two and a half. She gave me wonderful art supplies, including a cool carrying case. I felt like a little kid with her first lunch box. I now have brand new watercolors, paint brushes, rainbow colors of magic markers, colored pencils, a pencil sharpener, an eraser, and glue stick. I love getting new art supplies. I worked on several pages Monday night. It was nice to start using pieces of things I saved from treatment, like hospital wrist bands, etc. You can see the wrist band from the oophorectomy in this page from the journal. Another thing I saved throughout treatment was all the fortune cookie messages and tea bag messages that I received/got. I have a glass full of them and will use them in my visual journal as well as in other art projects. I even have my hair, which I plan to use with several projects, including the journal. Volunteering for this project and sharing my story with Kristen has stirred up a lot inside me. Primarily it's my brain that is now having a harder time focusing. It's as if I opened a gate in my mind that had been keeping the memories of treatment at bay. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing -- to be exploring this part of my life -- but I'm willing to give it a go. I just have to be careful and pace myself.

Here is the ad:

Art therapy & visual journaling study for cancer survivors (Pioneer Valley)
Date: 2011-02-12, 12:22PM EST
Reply to: job-cchcq-2210823918@craigslist.org

Small scale graduate research project looking for participants for a qualitative research study on keeping a visual journal about your personal experience having cancer. Participation simply includes 2 interviews and keeping a journal for 6 weeks reflecting on your experience. This is an art therapy graduate research project- no medications or anything related are involved- simply the interviews and journaling. Participants will be given all art materials for FREE, which will be the participants to keep after the study, and participants will be compensated for their time. Everything will be confidential, and please know this is just a graduate research project, where participants will be in contact with an art therapist who has worked with cancer patients before, and is completing a small research project for their Master's degree. Please contact with further questions and thank you for your time.

Location: Pioneer Valley
Compensation: $100 + free art materials to keep.

NEW FACEBOOK PAGE
Lest I forget my latest foray into social networking, I've created a Facebook Page for myself. I will have fan pages for the SAVING LIVES TOUR too, once I can figure out how to do it. At this point, I'm just looking for LIKERS. So, if you'd like to like my FB page, please visit the page and click LIKE. Last I checked I'm up to seven people. I'm getting there.

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
I've raised $533.00 so far for the Out of the Darkness Overnight, am 18-mile overnight walk in NYC that benefits the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. My goal is $3,000. If you'd like to invest some money in suicide prevention, I'd be most appreciative. Anything from $1 to $1,000,000 is welcome. Here is my fundraising page.Thanks! For a glimpse into last year's Out of the Darkness Overnight in Boston, click here and watch an inspiring video.

Goodnight all. I'm off to watch The Office with my new streaming Netflix. I can't get enough of The Office. I wish I could work as a production assistant on the set. Maybe a set dresser, since I'm a window designer by trade?

Peace,
Sue

GOOD NEWS

2011-02-15T22:42:00.008-05:00

Hi. I saw Dr. Cash last Tuesday, and she said the pin-head-like thing in my left breast is nothing to worry about, just glandular tissue. Huge relief.

FEMARA REPORT
I've decided to start Femara again tomorrow, to give it one more try. If the trigger thumb returns, then we know it was the Femara. Even with the cholesterol issues, I think it's a good thing to do. My sense is, the trigger thumb will return, at which point I'll try the Aromasin.

SAVING LIVES TOUR
Lots of good news on the public speaking front. I'll be giving a keynote and a 3-hour suicide prevention workshop at the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance Annual Conference in Houston, Texas, in May. Check it out. I'm headed to Peoria, Ill., in the fall, in addition to Chicago and other sites in the state. New York in June. Possibly Oregon in April. I'll be speaking at McLean Hospital outside of Boston sometime July-Sept, and I hope to actually get onto the locked ward and speak to patients. This first McLean event is part of their series of talks that they offer to the community twice a month. The audience is largely consumers (folks living with some form of mental illness). Most likely I'll also speak at Children's Hospital, the National Center for Suicide Prevention, and several other Massachusetts venues. Right now the focus is Massachusetts, Texas, and Illinois, and as more jobs come in, we'll add them to the tour and arrange things to make the best use of my time. My goal is to speak about 20 times a month at one venue or another: conferences, schools, veteran hospitals, general psychiatric wards, community forums.

SUICIDE PREVENTION FUNDRAISER
If you'd like to sponsor me for the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk, please click here, or see the top item on my sidebar. Money goes toward The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It's eighteen miles, overnight, on a route through New York City. I'm hoping to get involved with either the opening or closing ceremonies as a speaker. We'll see. I spoke at the closing rally of the very first Out of the Darkness, which ended at the Washington Monument. There were about 3,400 walkers. I think we raised like $3 million or something. My goal this year is $3,000. I have about $500 thus far. Thanks for thinking about a donation. Anything is great $1 - $1,000,000,000!

I hope you're all well and happy. Thanks for staying tuned. More to tell, but I need to get some sleep.

Love,
Sue

FEMARA AND CHOLESTEROL

2011-02-05T12:00:00.008-05:00

Well, I found the connection. A friend of mine suggested that I look into the side effects of the psychotropics I take to see if there was a cholesterol connection. I looked up Lamictal and found none. Then, I looked up Femara and it turns out that 15% of women on femara get high cholesterol. I feel so angry and discouraged that no one told me about this. Maybe my oncologist did and I just didn't hear it, but why didn't anyone say anything when I got the results back from the cholesterol test? Take a look at these posts from breastcancer.org discussion posts.

POST #1 Have been taking [Femara] for awhile (3 years) and just got my blood test results today. Kind of discouraged. Cholesterol has been rising, despite diet and exercise. It definitely is the femara (had no cholesterol problem before). So now, I need to start taking a statin drug for my new femara related side effect. Don't get me wrong - I am happy that there is drugs like femara. Especially since I was dx'd as stage 3 and have quite a high risk of reoccurrence. But sometimes, with the pain, brain fog and all, I find myself looking at that little bottle o' pills and just wishing I could toss em. Oh well, just venting. Anybody else needed to take a cholesterol med with femara?

POST #2 I have been on femara almost 4 years. About 3 years ago found out I had high cholesterol. I guess high cholesterol is a side effect along with all the other nasty side effects that go along with this drug. I too am happy to have the femara and am grateful there are medications to counteract any of the side effects. That really sounds weird, but true. I take Zocor (Simvastatin) for my high cholesterol.

POST #3 My cholesterol has already risen on Femara, which I just started a few months ago. Plus I have osteopenia and my doctor and I are watching my bone density as well. I'm not looking forward to having to add more prescriptions just to counter the side effects. It makes me so angry that with all the millions poured into this disease, women still have to put our bodies through so much.

POST #4 I'm right there with ya. Cholesterol was at 200 last year. Two weeks ago it climbed to 248. Been taking Femara for two years now. Pre-Femara, it ran 180. Now I'm on Mevacor. I checked the Femara known SE's. And yep, higher cholestol is listed. Oh joy. Which aliment to die from, so many choices... bc, high cholesterol, and the other host of Femara SE's that dip into my quality of life. Too bad that men aren't taking Femara and that a side effect on them was to cause their p*nis to curl up into a hard knot! The researchers & insurance companies would have a solution in 6 months or less!!!

POST #5 Oh yes, Femara and high cholesterol! This is all new to me as well. I was diagnosed and had surgery 9/09. I didn't have chemo, "just" radiation. I think I'm still in denial. It's gone, isn't it? My breast cancer diagnosis and the corresponding meds are complicated by my congestive heart failure and ALL of those meds! For example, I'm supposed to test VERY LOW for cholesterol due to the heart and stroke risks BUT the femara jumped my numbers through the roof! I am trying everything--diet, 40mg zocor,--and maybe, exercise. None of this is fun.

POST #6 I have been on femara since May 2009 after taking tamoxifen for 2.5 years. My cholesterol jumped 100 points at my physical in Jan. I have started taking crestor and it is already down to normal again but guess what? A side effect of statins is muscle pain. So I have joint pain from the femara and then add in the muscle pain. I am so miserable, can barely walk some days. I am considering taking a break from femara to see if it is the only reason why I feel so bad every day. Scares me though. Going through chemo and radiation was easier than this. And I have 4 more years on it.

I have an appt with my surgeon on Tuesday about the little thing I feel in my left breast. I couldn't find it last night (the thing), but I found it easily this morning. Very stressed and sad and angry about this whole thing. What I really really really really want to do is take my dogs and drive all around the country and just see things and meet people and not think about cancer anymore.

Sue

AH, THE MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT

2011-01-28T11:04:00.004-05:00

Good news. My pap was normal. That is a huge relief. Blood work indicated low vitamin D and elevated HDL, the latter is quite unusual for me. I've always had high LDL cholesterol, but the "bad" cholesterol was always low. I'm equating it with my recent foray into processed foods. I just haven't felt like cooking, so I've been eating things like fish sticks and canned or boxed soup. Granted I eat organic canned soup, but still, it's not a good thing to do for any length of time. Oh, did I mention the butter? Well. Butter. I've sort of been going a little overboard with the butter because I got to the point where I thought, "What the *&#$," I want to eat what I want to eat. So there!" Alas, my elevated HDLs tell a different tale. So, I'm switching back to olive oil exclusively, as I wipe away a tear, and I'll be better about eating fresh food rather than processed.

THE MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT
Yesterday I got a confirmation letter in the mail from the orthopedic surgeon office in Springfield where I have an appointment on Monday. The thing is, they had me scheduled with the wrong doctor. I called the office, only to find out that the Hand Guy I wanted to see is away until the second week of February. Why on EARTH didn't the scheduling person tell me that when she made my appointment with Hand Guy #2. Unbelievable. She didn't say, "Well, Dr. Hand Guy is out of town, but I can schedule you with our physician's assistant, Dr. Hand Guy #2." Nothing. She just made the appointment with the wrong person and didn't say a word, despite the fact that I specifically asked for Dr. Hand Guy. Geez. So I called the office and got a new appointment on Valentine's Day with The Real Doctor Hand Guy. Amazing.

INSURANCE WOES CONTINUE
Alas, my insurance woes are not over. I got a letter two days ago stating that my insurance was ending at the end of February. Why? Because I did not furnish them with the correct information. I went through this with Commonwealth Care three months ago and got the whole thing straightened out. Luckily, I saved the direct phone number of the person who helped me, so I called her right up and, in her own words, she has "no idea" why someone went in and changed my status. Still, I have to send her my schedule Cs from 2010 taxes to indicate the breakdown of my whopping $2,313.00 self-employment income.

And, when I went to pick up my Lamictal prescription yesterday at the pharmacy, they were going to charge me full price, stating that I had no insurance. I took a deep breath and scraped my nails on the counter and said, "Yes, I DO have insurance." "Do you have your card," she asked. "Yes," and I handed it to her. Then I had to wait while they re-billed the whole thing. So, instead of costing me around $160.00 it cost me $5.39.

ULTRASOUND MONDAY
I go to Springfield for the ultrasound on my left breast on Monday. Remember, I thought I was seeing Dr. Hand Guy too, that morning, so now I'll just have one appointment, which is fine. I'm nervous about it, but I haven't been able to find the little pinhead thing I felt last week, just outside the nipple. I'm glad to have this checked though, and may insist that I get an ultrasound every 6 months on this particular area. We have to be pro-active.

That's all for today. I've been receiving great letters about my book, and how it is being used in hospitals. Very exciting. The tour is beginning to shape up and we're focusing on the south at the moment, looking into Georgia and Florida for the spring. Chicago in the summer, etc.

I hope you all have a great day. If you'd like to make a donation to Out of the Darkness Walk, please click here, and look at the top left of the screen, where it says "Support Me!" donate online. I'd really appreciate it. My goal is to raise $3,000.

Love,
Sue

BLOOD WORK

2011-01-25T15:32:00.005-05:00

Hi Everybody,
I wanted to report that I had blood drawn today to test my thyroid, cholesterol, and various other things. The little pea on my wrist grew a bit overnight. You can really see it now, so much so that it casts a shadow. Where on EARTH do these things come from for heaven's sake? I am very eager to talk to the Hand Guy on Monday to get his impressions. I'm starting to feel worried that I've been off the Femara for so long with no other substitute. For those of you just tuning in, the cancer was estrogen-receptive, which means it fed off estrogen, so the point is to rid my body of estrogen to prevent recurrence. I had my ovaries out on October 8, 2009, after trying Tamoxifen, which led me down suicidal lane. My mom died of ovarian cancer anyway, so it was actually a relief to have the oophorectomy. Then I tried the post-menopausal estrogen suppressors (for lack of a better word) Armidex -- got swollen hands and feet -- then Femara -- got trigger thumb, and now this other bundle of joy, DeQuervain's .... So, I stopped the Femara, the trigger thumb got markedly better, but the DQ (not to be mistaken for Dairy Queen) got worse. Hopefully, the Hand Guy will shed some light on the whole situation. I've already seen a hand specialist who made splints for my thumbs and gave me ultrasound. I've tried using a mixture of lemongrass and lavendar oils on the skin; I've been drinking tumeric in tea in the morning; I even wore an amber necklace wrapped around my thumb. I've prayed about it, I've asked you to pray about it. What a conundrum.

Hey, I just found out that my book is being used with inpatients at a state hospital and the staffer wants me to come and speak there. Thrilling. I'm glad my life is being put to good use.I'm in the midst of planning my new tour throughout the United States, so this is gratifying news.

I dropped 25 more Nepalese hats off at the local oncology unit. I manage a store that sells stuff from Tibet, Nepal, and India. Earlier this winter I brought over 50 and they only wanted 25. Now they're out, so I brought over another 25. Just before I arrived with the colorful hats, the secretary said one of the patients had just arrived, wearing one of the hats from the first batch. So cool. I would like to start a non-profit called HEADS UP! which would pay Nepali women/men to make the hats, ship them to the states, and donate them to oncology units. If any of you readers out there have some connections to help this move along, please let me know. Thanks.

Love,
Sue

BELOW THE EQUATOR

2011-01-24T17:39:00.003-05:00

Hi. I had my yearly gyno exam today and she said everything looks fine. But, I had her palpate an area of my left breast that I feel a bit worried about, even though the latest mammogram was fine. There is an area of dense tissue that I've been "following" for a year or more. Had an ultrasound in 2009 that was fine. Just before I had the mammogram a couple of weeks ago, I felt a tiny hard thing about the size of a pinhead. I had my gynecologist palpate it today (on her own she found the dense tissue and took a lot of time to examine it), and she suggested an ultrasound. So, I'm going back to Springfield for an ultrasound on Monday. I feel better knowing this is going to be checked. It feels like the edge of something. It's just outside the nipple at about 12 o'clock, as the crow flies. I'll get the pap results in a couple of weeks. Some of you may remember that in 2008, just after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had an abnormal pap, and had to have a biopsy. So, this is a bit stressful. Also, someone I know who had a mastectomy later had pre-cancerous cells in a pap and had to have a hysterectomy, so I'm thinking about that too. At least I don't have to worry about my ovaries because I have none.

HAND SPECIALIST
I found a hand specialist who comes highly recommended and was able to schedule an appointment with him for Monday. I made this appointment prior to the gyno exam, so it works out great that I can just stay down in Springfield and do both on the same day. I believe the offices are even on the same street. I'm very eager to meet with the hand guy, as the DeQuervains is getting worse. It even got worse in my right wrist just today as I worked at Wilson's, putting up greenery. It's about the size of small pea. I'd show you via a photo, but I can't find my camera. I hope to talk to him about the trigger thumb, which is still improving, but still hurts, as well as get some answers about the wrist problems. I'm afraid he will tell me I have to stop using it for a while, which will impact my financial status. No point in worrying about that though, seeing as Monday is a week away.

HORMONE SUPPRESSOR DRUG
So, I haven't taken the Femara in about six weeks for the estrogen factor. I'm ready to Email my oncologist now and tell her. I want to wait until my hands are better before I start Aromacin, which is the forth and final choice of the drug that I have to take for five years. By now I've probably taken one or another of these drugs for about six months total, so I have a ways to go. But, I'm going to go to Boston to get a second opinion about the need for the drug. Even with Aromacin, people have really achy finger and feet joints. Joy.

BE PROACTIVE ABOUT YOUR INSURANCE!
Today, I called my insurance company to be sure that the gyno office accepted it. When I talked to the BMC HealthNet person she told me that NO, they don't. This seemed weird to me, because they have in the past. Also, this news was very upsetting because is was a doc from this office that did the oophorectomy on Oct. 8, 2009. I called the gyno office and told her what I learned. She told me to call their financial office, which I did. The gal at the financial office told me that they DO, in fact, take BMC HealthNet. So, I called BMC HealthNet back and talked to a different person, and she too told me that the gyno office didn't take it. SO, I told her that I had just talked to the finance people and they DO take it. So, the BMC person looked it up in another database or something and VOILA! it said that my gyno office DID, in fact takt BMC HealthNet. Had I not pushed for this, I would have believed the first BMC person and gone ahead to find another gyno, which would have been VERY upsetting.

So, the lesson is, BE PROACTIVE with insurance. Don't take no for an answer. Talk to more than one person at any given office. Some are better than others. Double check EVERYTHING with both ends: the insurance company and the doc. It's absurd that we, as patients, have to be so diligent when we are feeling most vulnerable, but that's the poor reality of our healthcare system.

One more time: Be Proactive About Your Health Insurance.

Have to run. I've been feeling pretty low energy. At the doc today my blood pressure was 88/52, which is the lowest it's ever been (usually runs 95/56). So, they are doing a blood work-up to check my thyroid and a host of other things, including my cholesterol, though I doubt low blood pressure is affected by cholesterol. It's a fasting blood test, so I'll fast tonight and have the blood drawn tomorrow.

I do feel a bit better knowing that the gyno exam is out of the way (it was really painful by the way, because of the menopause - tmi, but hey, you're the one choosing to read this blog). And, I'm glad I found a hand specialist and have that appointment. I also found an osteopath who takes my insurance, and once the hand is better I'm going to take full advantage of THAT. I love osteopaths. I even checked to see if my insurance covered acupuncture, but alas, they don't. Too bad. Interesting, they only cover it if it's for alcohol addiction recovery. That is so great.

Love to all,
Sue

CLEAN MAMMO & SUICIDE PREVENTION FUNDRAISER!

2011-01-19T13:19:00.007-05:00

CLEAR MAMMO, LET'S CELEBRATE!
Last Friday I had a bilateral diagnostic mammogram, and everything looks fine. I found out that they count your recovery time from the date of diagnosis, so I'm about 2 1/2 years "out". It's really hard to believe the radiologist when he says everything looks fine. I think it's a common experience to expect the worst. I'm glad to be done with the mammo, now it's onto my yearly gyno. I have to make that call. Stressful.

THUMB UPDATE
My thumbs have improved quite a bit since I went off the Femara about six weeks ago. I can bend them both independently and they do not get stuck in trigger thumb. In the morning, when my hands are swollen it's still a problem, but they are light years better than they were. Now my wrists are getting worse with that DeQuervains Tenosynovitis situation. I'm still off the Femara, and have yet to start the forth and final estrogen suppressor choice, Aromasin.

YOU CAN SAVE A LIFE
I've just signed up with Out of the Darkness Overnights, to walk 18 miles in New York City on June 4 and 5, 2011, to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. My fundraising goal is $3,000. If you'd like to contribute, please click here, on My Fundraising Page. Here is the Email I sent out:

Dear Friends and Family:

I've decided to walk 18 miles from June 4 to 5, 2011, as part of the New York City Out of the Darkness Walk to raise money for suicide prevention. I took part in the first walk in 2002, and walked 22 miles from Annondale, Virginia, to the Washington Monument, where I spoke at the closing ceremonies.

Please take a moment to read my "page" on the Out of the Darkness site, and consider making a financial contribution. Thank you.

Knowing me, I'll be organizing many fun fun-draising events over the next five months, so this is just my first appeal. But it's simple and easy, and will get me on my way toward the $3,000 goal I've set for myself. (In all honesty I wanted to set it at $5,000, but I'm trying to do things a little smaller as a New Year's goal.)

Thank you for taking the time to review my appeal. With your donation, you'll be sure to get a comp ticket to any event I host from now until June.

Blessings,
Sue

------

Here is a link to a SLIDESHOW of last year's Boston Out of the Darkness Overnight.

BLOG NEWS
It seems my frequency is dwindling here on Sue's Boob Blog. Maybe that's a good sign. Most likely my posts will be few and far between. I've been feeling well, though a bit lethargic and apathetic. Laying low, resting, pampering myself a bit, and waiting for spring. Last night I slipped on my front walk and slammed the back of my head into ice-covered cement. Felt like crying. Didn't. I'm still working on the SAVING LIVES TOUR, which will get into gear soon I hope. If anyone has connections in the mental health field, let me know. I hope to travel the United States, giving suicide prevention speeches and workshops. I just found out that they're using my book with teenagers at a state hospital. Amazing.

I wish you all a joyous new year full of perfect health, financial abundance, loving friends and family, and many dreams realized.

Love,
Sue

PAIN

2010-12-05T11:56:00.003-05:00

Hi

I just posted the following on a Cancer site. The thread I responded to can be seen HERE.

Hi. I started Tamoxifen back in the summer of 2009 after surgery (Sept. 08), four rounds of chemo, and six weeks of radiation. Within weeks my mood had crashed and I was having suicidal thoughts. I have a history of depression and suicide attempts, so I went off Tamoxifen. This, after reporting it to my oncologist and having her say that none of it could be from the Tamoxifen. [After she said that, I checked online, and sure enough, found women with the same experience. So, I went off it, the symptoms got better, and I weaned myself onto it again, within weeks the symptoms returned. That's when I insisted I go off of it.]

I had my ovaries removed on Oct. 8, 2009, to get rid of most of the estrogen (my mother died of ovarian cancer in 1980, when I was 14). I started Armidex, and my feet and hands swelled up, hard to walk, really painful hips when I slept. I can't remember what else. I sent my oncologist pictures of my feet and hands. She said to stop the drug. I started Femara, and within a month or so developed trigger thumb in my right hand. My oncologist said that trigger thumb cannot be caused my Femara. I looked online and sure enough, many women have developed trigger thumb on Femara.

I went to an orthopedist and he wanted to give me cortisone shots. I don't want more shots. I went to a hand specialist and he made splints for my thumbs, which helped (by the time I saw him I had developed trigger thumb in my other hand too). Oh, by the way, I earn my living by using my hands, so now I'm faced with quitting one of my jobs as a window designer.

Now I can't do much with my hands without experiencing pain. I can't do any of the things I once enjoyed pain-free like making jewelry, writing in my journal, gardening, walking my dogs (it kills to unclick their collars), creating art, cutting paper with scissors (one of my all-time favorites) anything, really, do to with fine motor skills -- cooking, cleaning, lifting heavy objects (which is one of my favorite things to do), rearranging furniture to make my home nicer, folding laundry, working on my house, folding up a futon couch, once it's opened up. Fixing things in my house, mowing my lawn, anything. Counting change at work, making change at work, vacuuming at work, moving fixtures, anything. I feel like a prisoner in my own body.

In any case, the point of me writing is, I am thinking of stopping the Femara to start Aromicin, but after reading the posts here I don't know if it will make a difference. I don't know what to do. I'm also thinking of stopping Femara and not taking anything else for that matter. Like someone else wrote here, I'd rather go through chemo again than live with this.

One thing that just occurred to me though, is to get a second opinion. Maybe I'll look into that.

Good luck to everyone.

Blessings,

Sue

---------------------------

I'm sitting here crying. I don't know what to do. If I could do anything I would pay someone to come and clean my house, rent out the back bedroom, and leave here for a while. Go somewhere warm. I don't want to be here this winter. I don't care where I am, as long as it's warm. I don't even think I can shovel anyway (another thing I used to like to do). I certainly can't scrape ice. I haven't taken Femara for a few days because my insurance got screwed up and I haven't had the med, so maybe I'll just stop taking it altogether, just to see what happens. It would be nice to live without pain for a while. I don't know how people do it, who have arthritis. I can't even imagine. The worst part is not being able to do the things I like to do, especially anything related to creating art.

I've got to go.

sue

THUMB UPDATE

2010-10-26T03:39:00.004-04:00

Hi. I saw the hand therapist yesterday, and he was great. He made a cool split for my thumb, which will keep it still so the tendon can have a chance to decrease in swelling. He was honest with me and said that only about 40 percent of his patients get better, but I figure I have a really good shot because I'm doing all the other stuff, like the tumeric, cod liver oil, magnesium, etc. The thumb is actually starting to hurt right now, but it's been good for a while. It's actually almost 4 a.m. and I've been working on the computer since about 8 p.m., which is why it's starting to hurt. I do stop and stretch it while I'm working.

While I was in the medical building, I stopped by Pioneer Women's Health to make an appointment for my yearly gynecological exam. Nice that both offices were in the same building. You may remember that last fall -- October 8 to be exact -- I had my ovaries removed. The previous year, you may also remember, just two days before breast surgery, I had to have a uterine biopsy due to an abnormal pap. It would be lovely to have a normal pap this year so I don't have to have another biopsy. At least at this point there is no need to worry about ovarian cancer, which is how my mother died. Ain't no ovaries. I have an appointment on December 8.

Ciao,
Sue

TRIGGER THUMB UPDATE

2010-10-24T01:41:00.014-04:00

Well, I can't tell if it's getting better, but I feel less bummed about it. I went to the local health food store and bought everything I read on that alternative health site about cures for trigger thumb, so now I'm:
a) drinking 1/4 teaspoon of tumeric in hot water everyday
b) taking cod liver oil capsules everyday
c) taking magnesium everyday
d) putting lemongrass oil and lavender oil on it regularly
e) wearing a band-aide around the knuckle to prevent me from bending it 90 degrees.
f) eating much less sugar
g) eating no citrus foods

Just knowing that other people have cured their trigger thumb without getting THE SHOT or going under THE KNIFE gives me hope and alleviates some of the stress. Plus, I have that appointment with the hand specialist on Monday so that will be interesting. I have faith. I have faith. I can certainly do a lot more with it, without it hurting, but there are certain things that make me cringe in pain. I wonder what the connection is with trigger thumb and Femara. I doubt it's the drug itself that causes the side-effect. I bet it either has to do with body pH or some other thing that estrogen regulates. Or, as an aromatase inhibitors. In short:

Aromatase inhibitors work by blocking the enzyme aromatase, which turns the hormone androgen into small amounts of estrogen in the body. This means that less estrogen is available to stimulate the growth of hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer cells. I bet the lack of aromatase has something to do with it -- regardless of the estrogen factor. Let's look it up.

AH HA! There is a little phenom called Aromatase Inhibitor-Associated Arthralgia Syndrome!

Aromatase inhibitor-associated arthralgia syndrome.
by Burstein, HJ.; Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, 44 Binney Street, Boston, MA 02115, USA. hburstein@partners.org

Aromatase inhibitors (AIs) are widely used as an adjuvant endocrine treatment in postmenopausal women with early-stage breast cancer. Clinical trials have assessed 5 years of AI therapy, either as an alternative to tamoxifen for primary adjuvant therapy of breast cancer, or after 5 years of adjuvant tamoxifen. Treatment of 2-3 years' duration after 2-3 years of tamoxifen has also been studied. AI therapy brings side effects related to estrogen deprivation, and this side effect profile differs in clinically relevant ways from that seen with tamoxifen. In particular, the selective estrogen receptor modulatory effects of tamoxifen contribute to menopausal symptoms, vaginal discharge, and the rare but worrisome risks of thromboembolism and uterine carcinoma. By contrast, the low levels of estrogen achieved with aromatase inhibition contribute to menopausal symptoms, vaginal dryness and sexual dysfunction, and accelerated bone demineralization with risk of osteoporosis and osteoporotic fracture. Clinical experience also suggests that AI therapy is associated with a novel musculoskeletal side effect consisting of an arthralgia syndrome. The actual incidence of AI-associated arthralgias or musculoskeletal symptoms is not known, though such symptoms are quite prevalent and appear more commonly with AI use than with tamoxifen. Arthralgias can be a reason for discontinuation of AI treatment. The possible mechanisms of AI-associated arthralgia are unclear. Estrogen deficiency causes bone loss, which in turn contributes to arthralgia. Less well-studied functions of estrogen include regulating immune cells and cytokines involved in bone remodeling, and modulating pain sensitivity at the level of the central nervous system. Arthralgia and arthritis have seldom been rigorously differentiated in clinical trials of AIs. Assessment of inflammatory and rheumatologic markers, as well as detailed evaluation of patient symptoms using appropriate quality-of-life instruments, may be warranted in order to understand both the symptoms and the etiology of the arthralgia syndrome. Treatment options for arthralgia (primarily non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) are currently inadequate, but areas of active research include high-dose vitamin D and new-targeted therapies to inhibit bone loss.

-----

Here is another article:

J Clin Oncol. 2009 Oct 20;27(30):4955-60. Epub 2009 Sep 14.
Sonographic and electrodiagnostic evaluations in patients with aromatase inhibitor-related arthralgia. Dizdar et al.

PURPOSE: To investigate the prevalence of arthralgia in breast cancer patients taking aromatase inhibitors (AIs) and perform a detailed rheumatologic assessment including autoimmune serology, musculoskeletal sonography, and electromyography (EMG) in these patients. PATIENTS AND METHODS: Postmenopausal patients with stage I to III breast cancer who were taking adjuvant AIs were enrolled (n = 92). Patients who were not receiving hormone treatment were included as a control group (n = 28). Musculoskeletal sonography and EMG were applied to the patients and the controls along with markers of autoimmunity. RESULTS: Thirty patients (32.6%) reported to have AI-related new-onset or worsening arthralgia. The most commonly affected joints were knee (70%), wrist (70%), and small joints of the hand (63%). Patients taking AIs had increased tendon thicknesses compared with those who never received AIs (P < .001). Patients with AI-related arthralgia had higher rates of effusion in hand joints/tendons than those without arthralgia (P = .033). More patients with AI-related arthralgia had EMG findings consistent with carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS) than those without arthralgia (P = .024). No significant difference was observed in erythrocyte sedimentation rates, C-reactive protein, antinuclear antibody, antidouble stranded DNA antibody, rheumatoid factor, or anticyclic citrullinated peptide levels between patients and controls or between those with and without arthralgia. CONCLUSION: Patients with AI-related arthralgia often show tenosynovial changes suggesting tenosynovitis, exerting local problems but lacking a systemic inflammatory component. Our finding of increased CTS frequency also supports this hypothesis.

---

OK. I have to go to bed and put on my lemongrass oil. It actually has a really nice smell. I've been staying up WAY to late these days. It's after 2 a.m.

Nighty night. Do you know where your thumbs are?
Sue

TRIGGER THUMB CONTINUES

2010-10-19T22:29:00.005-04:00

Hi. I'm in a lot of pain now, whenever I use my thumb for anything. I've started researching alternative cures to trigger thumb and I found a great site. Here is the link to Trigger Thumb Cures. I found out about a hand specialist in Greenfield, and made an appointment for Monday. The bad news is, the trigger thumb is now starting in my left hand. I am so afraid of the potential of having both thumbs in pain, it's affecting my mood. I think this dip into a depressed mode is the result. Very tired. Want to sleep all day. Want to stay in bed. Concentration difficult (which of course makes me think I have a brain tumor), weepy, low energy, memory out the window, easily overwhelmed. So, I've just jotted down lots of notes for potential cures (that have worked for other people), and some of them are tumeric with virgin coconut oil and one 3mg of boron; warm water, B complex vitamins, cod liver oil, and hot tea with food; Rescue Remedy cream, three drops of lavendar oil and three drops lemongrass oil; a LivRite Flex-ball; lecithin; apple cider vinegar, baking soda, and lemon juice. Several of those combinations appeal to me, and I just got my federal tax refund, so I'm going out tomorrow and buying almost all of this to try.

Let me tell you what tasks are painful when I use my right thumb and/or awkward because I can't use it at all: brushing my teeth, washing dishes -- washing silverware especially, counting change -- picking it up off the counter especially, washing my hair, typing, cleaning, gardening, doing dishes, holding anything thin, pulling out or putting in plugs into an outlet, lifting anything involving my thumb, pulling the emergency brake on my car, turning the key in the ignition, unlocking any door with a key, writing, swiping my debit card, making jewelry, doing any kind of art, making my bed, straightening papers, putting dishes away, wiping myself on the toilet(!), opening and closing zip-lock bags, cooking, folding laundry, pulling some papers out of a stack of papers, opening a book and holding it open, the list goes on. To think I might have it in BOTH thumbs is on the verge of terrifying. I would lose the ability to earn a living as a graphic designer and retail manager. As it is, I won't be able to unpack any of the 845 pounds of merchandise that we're getting from Nepal any day now. I'll have to have other people do it, while I inventory and price it. I'm hoping these new remedies and the new hand specialist will do the trick. I can't afford the acupuncture anymore at $20 a visit for eight to ten visits. Plus, it felt like it was getting worse on the acupuncture.

The thing about the thumb is, I can't help but grieve having had cancer, and that it still affects my life in a negative way. It still takes from my life. On the flip side, I needed a three-ring binder to organize my book tour information, and I found a beautiful one that I got right after diagnosis from Rays of Hope, full of cancer info. I never used it, because I had another one. So, I took out the cancer info and voila! a new binder.

ART SHOW
I'm starting to work on projects for my art show that involves my entire time with cancer. There will be sculptures, photographs, paintings, writings, my whole cancer three-ring binder, etc. It will be a slow process, but I just got a big photo printer at a tag sale for twenty bucks, so at least I can start printing images. The show won't happen for a long time, probably a year or more, but I need to start this process so I can get rid of some of this angst about cancer.

I hope you're all well.

Love,
Sue

OYE and BONE PAIN

2010-10-14T14:18:00.006-04:00

Hi. Sorry for my absence. I'm working on the final details of a big shipment from Nepal, which are driving me bananas, as well as finishing a children's book that I'm designing, and working on book tour stuff. Lots going on. My thumb is bad. I'm closer to getting THE SHOT. I can't afford the acupuncture anymore, even at $20 a shot. Money is tight again for several reasons, though I know that will ease soon. The leaves are all turning and it's getting more beautiful every day. I love this time of year, though the cold is reminding me how much I dislike winter. I have to do some proactive stuff about that.

OH! I went to a suicide prevention walk on October 9 and met someone who read my book and continues to use it as a resource! Wow. Here is are some photos from the event. The woman I'm standing with bought a copy of the book. She's not the same gal who read How I Stayed Alive, but I haven't asked that woman permission to use her photo publicly. At this walk there were over 900 walkers, and they raised over $100,000 for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They are called Out of the Darkness Community Walks.

Here are some of the latest endorsements I've received for the book. All of these people are members of The National Council for Suicide Prevention, which wrote the National Strategy for Suicide Prevention for SAMSHA. I've also been endorsed by several of the other member organizations, including the AFSP and the AAS. I'm waiting for quotes from The Jed Foundation and The Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention Program.

Iris Bolton, Founder of the National Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare (The Link Counseling Center):
"How I Stayed Alive is the best suicide prevention manual for suicidal thinkers, attempters, laypeople, and mental health professionals. It is timeless, and relative to today's mental health crises and the never-ending issue of suicide."

Dr. James T. Clemons, Founder of OASSIS
“Susan Blauner's book has saved lives and will continue to do so. My conviction is shared by leaders in suicide prevention, as well as suicidal persons and therapists. It should be available to all who care about those who need the best of care.”

Donna Holland Barnes, PhD, Department of Psychiatry, Howard University, Washington, DC, Founder, National Organization of People of Color Against Suicide (NOPCAS):
"I have used Blauner's book in the classroom for several years and will continue to use it as a teaching tool for crisis management. She manages to take the reader on a journey and illustrates pathways to healing."

Dr. Paul Quinnet, CEO and Founder of The QPR Institute
“Susan Blauner’s courage to talk openly and frankly about her suicide attempt and recovery long before others had the guts to do so makes this a breakthrough book of lasting value. Thank you, Susan!” Paul Quinnett, Ph.D.

BONE PAIN
I've started having bone pain in my left shin. Enough pain that when it occurs it stops me in my tracks. I've had three bad zings (each last about 20 seconds) and last night I had a couple of dull throbby moments. I called the oncology unit to report it and they wanted me to come in, but I said I didn't think it was necessary. I told the triage nurse that when I first felt it my immediate thought was, "I must have bone cancer!" And she said, "Well ... that would be something we would want to rule out." She said that because the only side effect I've had from the Femara is the trigger thumb, and I've haven't been doing any unusual exercise, they might want to do a bone scan to see if there is a fracture. Due to the chemo and the subsequent hormone treatment, fracture is more likely. Actually, as I'm writing this I just had another throb. But, I'm standing up working today because I sat so much yesterday. I actually like standing up and typing. Feels better on my body.

So, I told her I'd start keeping a diary of the bone pain and if I'm still having it next week I'll come in for an appointment. My hesitation on going in is that at this point they don't DO ANYTHING. You pay $18, wait for forty minutes, and see the doc for fifteen, during which nothing is accomplished. It's a waste of time. I don't need to pay $18 to have someone tell me not to worry about pain I didn't want to worry about in the first place.

Better run. I hope you're all enjoying life and are free of bone pain. It's very eerie. It comes from nowhere as if you've just injured the bone by slamming into something or getting something like shin splints.

Love,
Sue

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS

2010-10-05T01:05:00.003-04:00

Greetings. Such a sojourn from the blog. Things have been busy busy. My thumb is still cranky. I'm not sure if acupuncture is working. I'll give it another few weeks. Then I'll get THE SHOT. Work with the book is heating up. I'm headed to upstate New York in early November, and at this point there are at least three events scheduled for that first week. I feel excited and a bit nervous, which is totally normal. I know once I'm out there speaking to folks about suicide prevention I will feel even more alive, and that is a beautiful thing.

Cancer news is nil. All the latest tests and scans and what have you are all normal. I'm still taking the Femara. The trigger thumb is the only problem. I still can't move it in the morning. If I do by accident, I get this fire burning sensation down my thumb and up my wrist. Not nice.

I wish I could modulate my work better. I wanted to get into bed at 8:30 tonight and just relax, but I had a work-related call at about 8 and I've been working ever since and it's now 1:10 a.m. I feel disappointed with myself. I keep saying I'm going to change this pattern, and I don't. I have to remember that my needs come first. Primero. Everything else is second fiddle. I have to stop pushing myself so hard. There are just too many irons in the fire. Two big ones will be settled soon I hope: the web site for the store, and the Nepal order for same. Then I have to design my new web site, continue networking for suicide prevention appearances, get ready for the Christmas windows at Wilson's, which have to be complete by Thanksgiving (if my thumb will behave), process the Nepal order once it arrives in the states, sell like crazy for the holiday season, then look forward to the national tour in 2011. Yahoo. Oh, amid all that I need to celebrate my birthday - October 15. I'll be forty-five. When I was in my late teens I never thought I'd live to be twenty-one. Then I got well. Then I got cancer. Now I'm well and cancer-free. Time for new beginnings and new ways of being, like working LESS and conserving energy and taking more time for fun. That sounds like a good plan. Once I start speaking more, all of that falls into place, because I so enjoy it. I feel completely in my element, and such joy to know that I am helping people help themselves. THAT is what life is all about.

Love to all.

Sue

P.S. I miss beech trees.

THUMB EXPERIMENT DAY #2

2010-09-18T17:53:00.003-04:00

Well, I think it's working. My thumb definitely feels better. Much less pain today. I went to acupuncture yesterday, which was GREAT as always. I haven't gone in a long time...several years... I love acupuncture. Here is where I went: The People's Acupuncture Clinic. I was there for about an hour and a half. They have a sliding scale which helps a lot. Only $20 for the treatment and initial consultation. I'm still using amber to help heal it. Did I show you the Amber promo I did for the store? Here it is:

People love amber. Who knew? We sell a lot at the store. This is all Baltic amber from Russia. I'm about to close up shop, so I'll sign off. I just wanted to thank you for your thumb prayers. For anyone who wasn't here yesterday, please take a look at the previous post for the Thumb Experiment Introduction. Thanks.

Love to all,
Sue

THUMB EXPERIMENT DAY #1

2010-09-17T09:49:00.004-04:00

Greetings all, and welcome to Sue's Boob/Thumb Laboratory. I've decided to hold a Thumb Experiment. I am asking your help to heal this thumb without the use of a cortisone shot or surgery.

When you begin to read these posts, please pause and say a prayer for my thumb. No kidding, I really mean it. I've been wrapping the thumb in amber necklaces (amber has healing properties), massaging it, icing it, taking a little Ibruprofen, and, believe it or not, talking to it. I've also been "sounding" with it very close to my mouth, hoping the vibrations will help it heal. I figure if the problem is the nodule at the base of the thumb, which blocks the tendon from passing freely through the sheath, then we can work on the nodule and get rid of it! So, please say a quick prayer in whatever way you feel comfortable, for my thumb to be completely healed here and now. I suggest using present tense as if it's already happening:

PRAYER / AFFIRMATION
"Susan's thumb is healing completely here and now from all symptoms and causes of trigger thumb. She is now pain free and completely healthy."

VISUALIZATION
Then you can visualize my thumb completely healed and surrounded with a golden glow.

Thank you!

Love,
Sue

P.S. To answer Amy's comment on my last post: I don't believe I really injured it. I think it was the combination of starting both the Armidex and then the Femara, which made this swell, and my work as a window designer and graphic artist. But, when I researched it, I found that other women got trigger thumb after starting Femara, so maybe it was just the drug. I am convinced that together we can heal this.

THUMBS DOWN 2

2010-09-16T00:22:00.006-04:00

Hi. Thumb is still trouble. Very swollen, catching, painful. I've taken the week off at Wilson's to give it a rest. Saw the physical therapist, who researched it for me, and showed me some medical books today, which was very helpful. I feel a bit better now about possibly having a cortisone shot, but I am not entirely convinced. I have an acupuncture appointment on Friday, and I hope they will shed more light on the thumb. I also have this frigging patch of weird skin happening on my face. Lovely. Are they linked? Probably, at some deep cellular level. My hope with the acupuncture and Chinese herbs is that they will treat my entire system, rather than treat a local issue, like the trigger thumb. When I asked my oncologist about Femara and trigger thumb, her response was that to end the Femara because of it would be drastic, and that she recommends the shot of cortisone. What causes trigger thumb anyway? Let's see what the Cleveland Clinic has to say about it:

Trigger finger and trigger thumb are painful conditions that cause the fingers or thumb to catch or "lock" most often in a bent position. The problems often stem from inflammation of tendons located within a protective covering called the tendon sheath. Thickenings of the sheath called pulleys function like the rings on a fishing rod, which hold the line against the rod. These pulleys hold the tendons against the bone. The affected tendons are tough bands of tissue that connect the muscles of the forearm to the finger and thumb bones. Together, the tendons and muscles allow you to bend your fingers and thumb, for example, when making a fist. A tendon usually glides quite easily through its sheath and pulleys, thanks to lubricating synovial fluid. Occasionally, a tendon may become inflamed and swollen or nodular. When this happens, bending the finger or thumb causes the swollen tendon to catch on one of the pulleys as it glides through the sheath.

One of the first symptoms may be soreness at the base of the finger or thumb. The most common symptom is a painful clicking or snapping when attempting to flex or extend the affected digit. In some cases, the finger or thumb that is affected locks in a flexed position, or in an extended position as the condition becomes more serious, and must be gently manipulated with the other hand in order to eliminate the locking. Joint contractures may eventually occur if left untreated. Usually the most severe symptoms occur upon awakening in the morning. The symptoms tend to improve during the day.

What are the causes of Trigger Finger and Trigger Thumb?
Trigger finger and thumb may be caused by repetitive or forceful use of these digits. For example, repeatedly wringing a washcloth is known to cause the problem. Medical conditions that cause changes in tissues – such as rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes – may also result in symptoms. Prolonged, forceful grasping – of power tools, for instance – also aggravates the condition. Farmers, industrial workers and musicians who rely on their fingers and thumbs for multiple repetitive movements are among those most frequently affected. In some cases, no specific cause can be found.

What are the benefits of treatment?
The majority of trigger finger and trigger thumb problems respond to conservative medical treatment. Restricting activities that aggravate the condition is usually the first step. Occasionally, your doctor will splint the affected digit to restrict joint motion and avoid the painful clicking and locking. Because many patients sleep with their hands tightly flexed, splinting at night to avoid tight bending of the fingers can be especially helpful. If symptoms continue, anti-inflammatory medications may be given orally or may be injected into the tendon sheath to reduce inflammation and subsequent pain, clicking and locking. If the condition doesn’t respond to conservative measures or recurs, surgery may be recommended to release the pulley and restore full movement.

Funny, the orthopedist I saw said neither a brace at night, or decreasing use of the thumb would help at all.

Surgery is performed on an outpatient basis usually under local anesthesia with or without accompanying sedation. Through a 1 cm incision at the base of the digit, the tendon sheath and pulley are exposed to view. The pulley is incised, relieving the constriction and allowing the tendon to move freely. The wound is usually closed with two to three stitches, which are removed 10 days to two weeks later.

What happens after surgery?
Two to three small sutures are used to close the incision and a sterile dressing is applied. Depending on the exact situation, the dressing will be removed by the patient five to seven days later and a sterile bandage will be applied and changed daily by the patient. The incision should be kept clean, dry and covered until the sutures are removed 10 to 14 days following the operation. During this period, motion of the digit is encouraged, from full flexion into full extension. However, heavy gripping, pulling and pushing are discouraged. Everyday activities are allowed during this time period.

How long is the recovery period after surgery?
In general, use of the digits is restricted from heavier activities for a period of three weeks. The incision will be tender for six to eight weeks but will improve steadily over that time. Length of recovery is dependent upon joint contractures that may have developed prior to surgery. Sometimes fairly prolonged therapy (one to two months) is required to overcome these contractures.

What is the rehab after surgery?
The day of the first post-operative visit, patients are instructed on a specific range-of-motion program. Depending on their condition, they may see a hand therapist. Five to seven days later, they are started on a scar massage program which may incorporate use of a “scar conformer” at night. The scar conformer may be made of silicone and places direct, mild pressure over the incision to help minimize scarring and maximize remodeling and healing of the tissues. If a joint contracture was present prior to surgery the patient may be given a splint to help supplement their exercise program and eliminate these contractures.

How can I manage at home during recovery from the procedure?
Immediately following surgery, daily activities are allowed. Heavier or repetitive activities are discouraged. The wound should be kept clean, dry and covered. You do not have to wear a splint, you will be able to change your own dressing, and your doctor will advise you regarding showering.

HOLY COW!

2010-09-13T22:23:00.003-04:00

Please see post beneath this one; I just wrote it.

I just went to research "finger swelling and Femera" and look what I found:

femara-side effects
by Betts411, Jun 12, 2008 11:09PM

I, too, have joint pain and swelling in hands (and sometimes feet) w/femara. I have developed a trigger finger and dequervains tendonitis in bilateral wrist w/thumb pain. Had to go off med for a month and also have sites injected w/cortisone. Never had any of this before. Oncologist said she had seen trigger finger before no dequervains tendonitis? Wondering if anyone out there has had any of these side effects? And what do you think of this? I am miserable w/all this discomfort. Today I had to have left wrist injected second time and had only been 5 months since before.

------------

Here are a lot of posts from women who got trigger thumb while on Femara:

Click here for posts.

Here are a few (I am crying now ... fucking cancer):

"Just to let you know that I developed trigger finger (third finger both hands) after about 4 months on femara. It doesn't hurt, just feels strange! My onc said she's had several patients on femara with the same problem, so we know what to blame!"

"I am on arimidex (into my fifth month) and have just been diagnosed with "trigger thumb" by my orthopedist. Not diabetic and no thyroid disease. It is my right thumb and I am right-handed. It is a major nuisance. I have a splint on it now and am supposed to take lots of advil. I had no idea it was related to the arimidex until I googled them together. Who knew?"

"I don't post often, but wanted to reply to this as I had CTS, trigger thumbs, after 6 months on Arimidex. Healed over time, fine now. Mainly due to excellent massage therapist who specializes in women with BC, a physical therapist who specializes in hands - two treatments and I still do the exercises she showed me. Take good vitamins plus glucosamine, VD3 ( 3,000 ius), and exercise. I slept with wrist splints for about a year - don't need them now. URGE all women on AI's who have this problem to see a GOOD physical therapist ( hand specialist) and give yourself the GIFT of massage from a person who has experience with BC women. Life saving."

"I have had a trigger finger for 4 years. First hand specialist gave me a cortisone treatment and I developed a ganglion cyst. Still have both. Went to another specialist a year later. Wanted to do surgery, but I didn't feel comfortable. Went to another specialist last week. Set surgery date for yesterday, but did not go through with it. I couldn't floss my teeth without prying my finger loose. I have a sonic relief that I purchased a year and a half ago.I paid about $150 for it. Used it for tennis elbow and sore wrist and sore knee. How stupid was I to not use it on the trigger finger for the passed year and a half. It is a small hand held instrument with a head about the size of a half dollar. It sends sound waves. The sound waves vibrate so fast that they create heat. The head of the instrument doesn't get hot. Actually, I don't feel a thing. I have been using it for the passed 3days, 3 times a day. My finger is sore, but it does not locked anymore. I have also started taking glucosamine everyday. I just ordered a couple gripp balls to exercise my fingers. I can't believe that I have seen this much improvement in a couple of days."

LOOK AT THIS:

"I saw my oncologist today and told her about my very tight/sore fingers in the mornings and my "trigger finger" in my right thumb. She said it can't be from the Arimidex because I would have the same joint issues in all the fingers. Thanks to all of you, I know that isn't true!!! I can hardly bend it anymore and the area around it is sore. She said to meet with my primary MD who will refer me if neede. Frustrating!!! I see my breast surgeon next week for my 6 month checkup and see what he says. He originally set me up with PT after my mastectomy and I'm thinking that may help now."

-------------

The other thing that's been going on is a patch of tight skin with flakes right near my mouth -- below the right corner of the mouth. The doc said to put cortisone cream on it for a few days to see what happens. Another doc said not to use cortisone for very long because it can burn the skin. I used it, the skin got better. I stopped. The skin got worse. I'm not sure what to do about that. Someone just told me about taking a Stress Vitamin. It helped her. Docs think its eczema. Is it related to Femara? I don't want to use the cortisone cream again, but now it's really flaky. I feel really overwhelmed.

Sue

SWELLING AGAIN

2010-09-13T22:15:00.002-04:00

Hi. I think my hands and feet are starting to swell again. I have a ring on my ring finger that I can barely move tonight. My thumb is still very bad. I'm going to see a physical therapist tomorrow. I just looked up treatment for "trigger" finger and will bring that. I'm not following the orthopedist's suggestion of a cortisone shot and possibly surgery. Ridiculous. In addition to PT, I'm going to set up an acupuncture appointment.

I feel overwhelmed, though, by it. I don't want to do housework, yard work, etc., because I'm afraid of hurting it over and over again, even if I try to only use my left hand. This has happened many times since it all began: me still doing thing that makes it hurt or trying to use only my left hand, but hurting the right anyway. So, I've asked friends to help me with what I can't do and hopefully that will help ease my stress level at home.

I took today and mainly rested. Slept a lot in the late afternoon. I'm taking the week off at Wilson's to rest my thumb. I don't even know if I'll be able to work there next week. They seem OK with that, which is nice.

I have to look back and see when the swelling started on Arimidex, meaning, how long it took to start. I'm going to have to soak my left hand in ice water to get this ring off.

Feeling a bit discouraged and overwhelmed by everything. I'm pretty sure yesterday's suicide prevention event has set off a lot of emotions.

Love
Sue

SUICIDE PREVENTION WALK

2010-09-12T19:15:00.005-04:00

Hi. This morning I drove down to Springfield to attend the 10th Annual Out of the Darkness Community Walk. Here is a link to the news about it. I didn't walk, I brought a table and set up some material to give away, and I sold some books. I met amazing people and heard heart-wrenching stories. I met the mother of this boy, Ryan Lewis, who hung himself when he was fourteen, at a wilderness camp for kids. Fourteen. Here is a link to information about Ryan. I also met a ten-year-old girl who attempted a year and a half ago, making her eight-and-a-half at the time of her attempt. I felt honored to listen and take part in the event. Many of the walkers had lost a loved one to suicide. The beginning of the walk started with a song written by a teenage boy, that was dedicated to Phoebe Prince, a girl who killed herself in South Hadley in January. The story made national news and sparked nationwide "anti-bullying" programs.

Here is a picture of Phoebe Prince and some information about her, and her suicide. Wow. I just Googled her name, and she's already in Wikipedia.

Here is an August 26, 2010 article from Irish Central:

Phoebe Prince anti-bullying law put into practice
Massachusetts schools will submit their anti-bullying plans by the years end
By CATHY HAYES Staff Writer

Guidelines have been released in Massachusetts following the passing of the anti-bullying law signed in May.

The Massachusetts law, signed by Governor Deval Patrick, was brought in following the suicides of 15-year-old Phoebe Prince and 11-year-old Carl Walker-Hoover. Both of these young school students took their own lives having suffered relentless bullying by fellow students.

The Department of Elementary and Secondary Education now requires any instance of bullying to be reported to the parents of the students, and the police in certain instances.

Officials believe that these guidelines will help school districts to combat bullying. Each district has to submit a copy of their bullying prevention and intervention plans to the State by December 31.

Rep. Martha Walz, co-chairwoman of the Joint Committee on Education and author of the anti-bullying legislation said “The release of this model plan is an important step toward changing school climates and fostering an environment of respect, but the important work of implementation remains ahead of us…The true success of this model plan will be measured in how well schools successfully prevent bullying.”

A national expert on bullying, Barbara Colorosso said the plan was one of the best that she had ever seen. She sees it as a comprehensive plan that puts the safety of the students at the forefront.

Colorosso's only criticism is its definition of bullying as "repeated" harassment. She made the point that being called a "slut" or any derogatory name should be enough to warrant a reprimand.

--------------------------------

I hope you're all well. I'm exhausted and drained, but I feel fine.

I'm going to crash and watch a couple movies and let my brain take a rest.

Love,

Sue

MAJOR WORK DAY

2010-09-07T20:21:00.004-04:00

Hi. Quickie: I feel great. Tired after working until 4:30 a.m. on a graphics project only to "meet" with my publicist over the phone at 9 a.m., then off to Wilson's to do the fall flowers, break for therapy, back to Wilson's, then home to make fixes on the graphics job. Oye. I'm wiped, but I feel great. Getting very busy, which feels wonderful. I'm learning how to think more broadly about success and activity. Rather than all or nothing thinking, I'm using the both-and approach. We'll see how things go.

I'm very excited about the speaking tour. More later. Soon I'll be starting a blog about the tour and the book. Perhaps that's when I will seque from Sue's Boob Blog back into How I Stayed Alive.

I wish you all well.

Love
Sue

PS Thumb is still sore. I started taking Ibuprofen yesterday. Seems to help. I see the doc tomorrow or Thursday, I have to check. ... I'm listening to Joni Mitchell's Shine. What an amazing album. Makes me cry.

DANCING DOG

2010-09-04T01:58:00.003-04:00

Greetings. I'm not much for watching online videos, but this is amazing. I'm also not so sure how I feel about it, but still, it's incredible to watch. Astounding. Watch it until the very end because there is a funny "move" toward the finish. Enjoy! How do you feel about it? I feel concerned for the dog. Exploitation. The dog's back/spine in the long run.

Take a look.

Adios,
Sue

VITAMIN D and OSTEOPENIA

2010-09-03T00:53:00.005-04:00

Hi. I started taking vitamin D again. I had run out a while ago. It's very important for cancer survivors to take vitamin D, particularly people who went through, or are going through, chemotherapy. The vitamin D will help reverse the osteopenia. I need to research what foods are good for D. I know getting out in the sun is good for D.

THE ROLE OF D
Vitamin D regulates the calcium and phosphorus levels in the blood by promoting their absorption from food in the intestines, and by promoting re-absorption of calcium in the kidneys. It promotes bone formation and mineralization and is essential in the development of an intact and strong skeleton. However, at very high levels it will promote the resorption of bone. It inhibits parathyroid hormone secretion from the parathyroid gland. It affects the immune system by promoting phagocytosis, anti-tumor activity, and immunomodulatory functions.

THE VITAMIN D SOCIETY!
Who knew?

VITAMIN D AND CHEMOTHERAPY Here are some links with info about the effects chemo has on D. Chemotherapy does a number on D, which is why we need to D-up. Also, new thinking is that D can help prevent cancer altogether. See article below. Here are two links for info on D and chemo: 1) A pdf booklet from The Bone and Cancer Foundation; 2) Info from My Cancer Advisor

VITAMIN D AND CANCER PREVENTION
This is from an online article from Oprah's website, when Dr. Christine Northrup was on her show. Here is the full article. If you click on the link, you'll find other sources of information at the bottom of the page.

There's a paradigm shift going on in medicine as new research reveals a far greater role for vitamin D. Vitamin D is not just for kids—or the prevention of rickets. Optimal levels of Vitamin D (40–80 ng/ml) enhance the creation and functioning of healthy cells throughout the body. In addition to protecting the bones and boosting the immune system, studies show that Vitamin D helps prevent certain cancers, including breast, ovarian, prostate and colorectal. Exciting new research shows that, in the United States alone, thousands of new cases of breast cancer could be prevented every year if more women had optimal levels of vitamin D. A study conducted by Cedric Garland and other prominent vitamin D researchers determined that women with vitamin D levels above 52 ng/ml have half the risk of developing breast cancer as those with 13 ng/ml! Garland estimates that 58,000 new cases of breast cancer in the United States could be prevented per year by raising vitamin D levels to 52 ng/ml. Imagine what the global impact could be!

A simple blood test is all that's needed to find out your vitamin D level. Five years ago, a range of 20–100 ng/ml was considered normal. Just recently, this range was raised to 32–100 ng/ml. Make sure to ask your healthcare provider what your actual vitamin D level is. Too often women are told that their levels are normal, which is not the same as optimal. If you're deficient, the best way to boost your vitamin D quickly is to supplement with vitamin D3. Initially, you may need to take 5,000 IUs per day. After establishing a healthy level, I recommend supplementing with1,000 to 2,000 IUs per day—it's hard to get all you need from food. Some healthy fish provides 300 to 700 IUs, but milk only provides 100 IUs per glass.

Until manana,
Sue-dee Que

TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY

2010-08-28T00:08:00.007-04:00

Hi. I'm happy to tell you that I've had an absolutely marvelous day today, the two-year anniversary of the breast cancer diagnosis. I woke up at 7 a.m., drove to Second Street Baking Co. for day-olds. Scored banana maple nut muffins. Delish. Then home to do a little work: I sent some pages of the children's book I'm designing to be printed as proofs. At 11 a.m. I took my two dogs and our visiting canine friend, Kona, for a wonderful walk in Wendell State Forest. Today was absolutely the most perfect weather. I'd like to live somewhere where it's like that everyday. People say northern California or Hawaii. We had a great time strolling down a dirt road deep in the forest, then spent time hanging out in the shade by a little brook. I brought a lawn chair and a book, and read a while, then laid down on the blanket with the three dogs and relaxed.

After that we drove home, and on the way I spotted a YARD SALE. I pulled in, parked in the shade for the dogs, and took a gander at the sale. GREAT sale. So, I drove the dogs home and went back to peruse the treasures at my leisure. Did I ever mention to you that one of my dreams is to drive across country, interviewing people on film? I never knew how I'd ever be able to afford a camera, still I kept it as a dream, and actually "saw" myself doing it. I also want to advertise for people willing to sit in front of a camera for two-to-four hours and just talk or sit there or whatever they choose to do. Well. Today at this yard sale I got two -- count 'em -- two camcorders. For ten dollars. One works for sure. It's a Canon ES190. It even has a tape! The other one is a Panasonic X20. Both are Super 8mm. They are on the older side (1999 and 1992), but hey, for ten bucks I'll take it. I can't WAIT to start filming. It's a dream come true.

I bought some other cool things, one of which you can bid on at Ebay right here. In addition, I found some cool little treasures, all of which I thought would sell for a bundle on Ebay, only to find that there is no market for any of them. Now I remember why I stopped doing Ebay long ago. Still, it was fun to buy the things in the hopes of making a quick buck. I've decided to start tithing as an affirmation for the easy flow of money into and out of my life. I've chosen The Thrive Project as my beneficiary. A friend of mine, Jamie Berger, is the executive director of this brand new non-profit dedicated to helping youth reach their full potential and reach their dreams.

After the yard sale I took photos of my finds to post on Ebay. Then dinner and Julie & Julia. I really like that movie. So nice to have a nice, happy, interesting, inspiring without the effects, sex, and violence that pervade film today. Now, I'm off to bed with my new camcorder to see what it can do. Hmm. Maybe I should reword that sentence: I'm going to check out my new camcorder for a while before I go to sleep. That's better. There is no manual, unfortunately. I tried finding one online to no avail. If any of you have one and don't need it, I'd love it. Just send me an Email. I can't believe it's been two years since the diagnosis. I know exactly where I was when I found out: standing outside The Rendezvous. That was eons ago. Eons. Eons. Eons. And stories ago. A lifetime ago. At this moment I feel like it's all put to rest and over. I am so ready to move on. It's getting late, so I'll sign off. I wanted to be sure and let you know how today went. Thanks for all of your good wishes.

Love,
Sue

BONE PAIN & MRI RESULTS

2010-08-26T18:53:00.006-04:00

Hi. I believe I'm having bone pain. This morning as I lay in bed I got pretty bad pain in my fingers and somewhere else, but I can't remember where. Is it the Femara?

MRI RESULTS
Everything is clean! Yippee. I don't have to see my oncologist until February.

YEARLY PHYSICAL
The physical also proved uneventful. I got a referral to see an orthopedist about my wrist/thumb tendon problem, so that feels great. Have an appointment on Sept. 15. Got blood work for sugar level and cholesterol, per physician's assistant. I also got a referral to see the physical therapist again about my right shoulder. While I was waiting for the blood work, I gave thanks that I know how to take good care of myself physically. Even though yearly physicals usually feel like a waste of time, it's good to have everything on paper and get questions answered that linger. I feel good.

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I'm feeling great. Loving my work on all fronts. A little bit tired from working so much. The children's book is almost done. Excited about working with the publicist on speaking engagements. Looks like I won't be speaking in Detroit on September 9 because there was a problem with my registering with a federal vendor something-or-other. Hey, at the store today I sold THREE copies of my book to customers. Such a nice feeling to know that people continue to be helped by it.

Last night I had a Mandala Night at my house. It was an event through the store. Only one person showed up, but we had a nice time. We didn't get down on our hands and knees and tap sand into beautiful, intricate designs on the floor, still it was nice.

Today I set up an area in the "Quiet Corner" in the back corner of the store where people can sit on Tibetan futons, relax, listen to music, and color their own mandalas. I encouraged one stressed-out customer to sit in the back and color a mandala and she did, and was very grateful. Several times today people verbally expressed how happy they were to be in the store and how much peace it brought to them. One customer, who was born in Nepal, said that it feels just like Nepal in here. Wow! I love this place! Can't wait for the new website to be up, so you can get a great big peek into this magical world.

I'm off. Still at the store, closing up for the day. I realized I never told you about the MRI.

Love to all,
Sue

PS Here is some information about Mandalas. Here are some mandalas for you to contemplate.

BIG WEEK

2010-08-22T23:30:00.003-04:00

So, tomorrow begins THE BIG WEEK. Two years ago this week, I got the diagnosis. My physical for grad school was on Tuesday 2009, my yearly mammogram was the following day Wednesday, which suddenly included an ultrasound biopsy, by Friday I found out that I had invasive ductal carcinoma and ductal carcinoma in situ. This year tomorrow I may have an appointment with my oncologist to go over the MRI results. I'm not exactly sure if I'll need to see her. It depends on the results, which I know are in because I talked to the scheduling person on Friday. Plus, tomorrow morning, I am singing at a memorial service for a woman who just died in a car accident. Then Tuesday, I have my annual physical, during which I will ask for all SORTS of blood work and any other test I can think of, as well as get better help with my thumb which is still very painful, excruciating at times. Hopefully, that will be the extent of doctor visits this week, though I have to call my gyno for my annual. Joy. At least I won't have to worry about my ovaries, since I have none. So, I need to be prepared for feeling off this week, sad maybe, tired, all that. It's a big week. Two years since the diagnosis. I can't believe it. I still can't believe I ever had cancer. It's un-believable. Gotta go. I'm pooped. I slept fifteen hours yesterday from 7 p.m. to about 10 a.m. this morning. Felt woozy in my stomach. I think it was a passing thing, nothing to do with THE BIG WEEK. I feel better today, just tired.

Adios,
Sue

FEMARA #1

2010-08-19T21:44:00.001-04:00

Hi. News Flash: I took my first Femara today. Just wanted to document it here.

Love
Sue

A NEW REVIEW

2010-08-19T00:31:00.009-04:00

Hi gang. Frequently I check Amazon to see my ranking. It fluctuates a great deal. Today I found a new reader review! I thought I'd share some with you. There is a link further down to the Amazon page with these reviews. Below you will also find Barnes & Noble, Publisher's Weekly, and Library Journal reviews.

I've decided to apply for a writing residency in Virginia. I'm going to send my application tomorrow. I did one in Georgia in 2002 at Hambidge Center for the Creative Arts and Sciences.

Oh, I've been asked to speak at a screening of the documentary "A Secret Best Not Kept" in October in Rochester, NY. Back when the book first came out, I met filmmaker Dara Berger (see her pic below) from NYC. She's a wonderful person. Dara lost her mom to suicide when she was eleven. I can't remember how we met, but she became a good friend during that time. We haven't seen each other in years, but she will always have a special place in my heart. I've sprinkled some stills from her film throughout this post.

Here are the reviews:

Helped me through a tough time :(, August 18, 2010
By ....(Boston, MA United States)
This book and "Choosing to Live" helped me through some really DARK days. I ordered this book, and even having it on hand helped me feel better and more reconnected to the real world. I read A LOT of reviews about these books, and this one stood out. It's written in a down to earth style and written in a way that you can identify with. I didn't read it all the way through, I was only able to get the emotional strength to read a few pages here and there. While not reading the whole book it helped me to 'see' through my immediate pain and to look http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/x-locale/common/customer-reviews/stars-5-0._V192240867_.gifforward. I'd recommend this book if you are having 'ending' thoughts or you know someone is. This book is much different than most in that it's not written in a clinical perspective. It's written from one person, to the reader.

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A Compassionate Voice in a Chaotic Cruel World, July 22, 2010
By Rebecca Johnson "The Rebecca Review" (Washington State)
I am most grateful for Susan Rose Blauner's beautifully written book. Not only does it tell me how to talk to a person who expresses the wish to die, it also presents everything a suicidal person may be experiencing. I had never thought about it before but this book asks a very revealing question: "What is the feeling beneath the suicidal thought?" Is it fear, anger, hopelessness, loneliness, despair, frustration, sadness or confusion? When you can find out the main problem it is easier to present a good solution. Susan Rose Blauner explains some survival techniques and shows five of her own Crisis Plans. You can then make your own crisis plan when you feel suicidal feelings are appearing. You look at the lists and try various things all the way up to calling a suicide hotline if that is necessary.

"If you love someone, I suggest that you tell that person before you lose the chance. Hearing your expression of love could mean the difference between life and death." ~ pg. 245

This book is one of the best books on preventing suicide because it is written by a survivor who now has a deep sense of peace and happiness pervading her soul. I really believe that Susan had to go through her own private hell in order to help suicidal people get well. She talks a little about her own experiences but then gets right down to solving the reader's problems. Whether you are the one who is suicidal or depressed, or you are someone who has a friend or family member who is suicidal - this book will help in a matter of hours. Just learning some of the breathing techniques could lessen stress. Then you can move onto meditation and other activities listed in this book.

"Most suicidal thinkers don't want to die; they just want their feelings to change or go away." ~ pg. 3

Perhaps the most shocking thing in this book is the information on attempted suicides and their results. Bad things can happen and you may end up injured, disabled or with brain damage. What was a little surprising was how the author got her friends and family to write letters about how they felt at the time of her suicide "gestures." The author eventually matured past the point where she needed to gain attention with these gestures. She basically had to learn to outthink suicide.

While this book briefly discusses God, Susan Rose Blauner has a very open view of God. This may or may not be helpful but it is basically just a paragraph you can disregard if you wish. I would suggest that you believe in the God who is love since the whole idea of being loved can be healing in itself. By reading this book I realized the importance of telling people we love them even if it can be awkward at first. This book brought me great hope and the main message is one of compassion and caring.

I can highly recommend this book to anyone who is suicidal or knows someone who is.
This would include family members, friends, the psychologist and even psychiatrist treating the patient. It will take bravery to read this book but in the end you could save a life, maybe even your own!

~The Rebecca Review

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Decent book on the topic, May 23, 2010
By Metin Sabuncu - See all my reviews
No doubt this book has saved many lives and will continue to do so.
Suicide is becoming a more and more serious problem in the developing world, therefore its crucial to understand it and come up with preventive measures.

The TASKS AND ACTIVITIES LIST given in this book are great. I have made a copy of it, and try to do some of the tasks every now and then.

I will go out now and drop some money on the sidewalk for people to find :)

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Excellent, highly recommend, April 15, 2010
By LJR (Prescott AZ, USA)
I am a suicidal thinker and can relate to this book. It speaks very clearly and loudly to those of us in this category. It does not make it sound simple to overcome this thought process or suggest that there will be a time when suicidal thinking is not a part of your life. But, having been there, Blauner gives you hope that times can get better but it's up to you. I still struggle with suicidal thinking, and will for some time I'm sure, because I'm not at that point yet. However, this book reassures me that I am not alone, that others understand, and I could have a future to look forward to with less (or at least manageable) suicidal thoughts. Is this book the only answer? No. Is the book realistic? Yes. Will overcoming my constant suicidal thinking be easy? Far from it. Can I overcome it by doing what the book suggests? I won't know till I try. I hope you will give yourself a chance and try some of Blauner's "tricks of the trade." We need to convince ourselves that we ARE worth it! In addition to the suicidal thinker, I highly recommend this book for family and friends of the suicidal thinker. The information in the last part of the book is invaluable for family and friends (it even helped me understand my interaction with others), and the resources in the last chapter are very useful as well. I'm a very slow reader but was able to finish this book in only a few days.

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Saved My Life, December 7, 2009
By Ro (Jacksonville, FL USA)
Like others here, this book saved my life. I found it quite by accident when I went to a bookstore to take my daughter. I had been having suicidal ideation for several months at this point. I felt like I was in this black hole everywhere I went -- just black surrounding me. I was hardly conscious of what I was doing, as I wandered around the store, when I came upon the self-help section. There, I saw this book. I read the jacket and began to cry. I hugged the book to my chest, grabbed my daughter, and checked out, still in tears. I started reading the book that day and read as much as I could each day until I finished it, and then read it again and underlined passages. I couldn't tell you, from a literary standpoint, if the book was any good. I just know that when I read it, it spoke to me, as if I was the only person in the world. I knew there was hope, and I began helping myself. That book saved my life. I wish I could meet the author, hug her, and tell her how much her book meant to me.

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Training the Brain, August 12, 2008
By D. Klonowski
Susan's book, for me, was a Godsend! This book shows the person who is suffering from a 'killer brain' how to rethink and know that everything is ok. I still have a long road to recovery but it does have good advice and some interesting exercises. My book is littered with notes, highlighted and flagged pages.

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Inside Story, April 12, 2008
By Brian E. Primeau (Lafayette, IN) - See all my reviews
I am a psychologist dealing with suicidal patients every day and I am always looking for ways to get through to them. I liked this book so much that I bought a copy to loan out to my patients. As you can tell from the title, the author has a good sense of humor, but she deals seriously with the challenges that she faced and other suicidal individuals face. She shows that she's been there and she is not handing out easy answers. She really knows how suicidal individuals think and function. I found her story uplifting because she was sick for so long that one would be tempted to give up hope for her, and yet she clearly has come out the other side. I also liked that she explains that it was a long process, no overnight flash of insight, and that she still needs to keep vigilant for slipping back into old habits. She's not promising that one day life will be a bed of roses. The advice she gives is practical and sensible from my 30 years of experience in mental health.

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Thank you, Susan!, January 30, 2007
By britta (new england)
This review is from: How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention (Paperback)
Susan Blauner's book has helped me immensely. I am so grateful to her for her strength and courage, to stay alive and live so well and share her story, and for being so devoted to helping others do the same.

When I had depression, what helped me the most - despite the fact that I did not actually contemplate suicide - was reading this book and doing the exercises in it (i.e. the "Tricks of the Trade"). I appreciate Susan's clear writing style, her candidness and directness, and her pragmatism. I had been spiraling into depression for weeks, but something "clicked" inside of me when I began reading Susan's words - I realized that helping myself was possible and a worthwhile endeavor! I called in sick to work that day and for the first time, didn't feel guilty and selfish for doing so - I spent the whole day reading the book, and trying Susan's suggestions. I wrote a crisis plan (Trick #3, p. 69), made a "God box" (Trick #7, p. 103), wrote positive affirmations and put them all over my house (Trick #17, p. 165), and called a family member to talk even though asking for help had always been really hard for me (Trick #1, p. 59). It was a great start, and for several days, I carried that book around like a security blanket. One morning I noticed myself start to meltdown "randomly"...and in the past, I wouldn't have known how to stop it, but this time, I went back to the book. I did the "Feelings" and "Feelings vs. Facts" exercises (Tricks #4 and 5, p. 82 and 94), and analyzed what I was thinking and feeling and why. I was able to identify several things that had "triggered" me in the past 12 hours, and thus understood why I was feeling on the verge of a meltdown, and then I was able to see that my feelings were different than the facts. It really worked, and I avoided the meltdown.

When someone I love very much attempted suicide, I immediately bought a copy of Susan's book for him. He has told me it's very helpful, and the book is clear and flows well. I agree - depression clouds the brain, and when just getting out of bed and eating breakfast feels like climbing a mountain, I need simple, clear, gentle words. When I'm deep in depression, I need to read things like step-by-step instructions on how to breathe!! I appreciate how the book teaches coping skills and strategies for people who may not have (m)any.

My depression was situational and I fortunately caught it early before it became very severe. I'm feeling much better now that I've made big lifestyle changes - changes that Susan gave me the courage to make. I'm no longer experiencing depression, but I still refer to Susan's book often, as preventative medicine, in a way. Her philosophies and practices are sound, and help me through rough patches.

I highly recommend How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me to anyone who has depression or cares about someone who has depression.

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Just what I wanted, June 23, 2006
By Gabriela Thaís De Cruz
When I bought this book I didn't know how it would change my life... It's a lovely book. Susan knows how to be incisive when she needs to, but still she's lovely in this moments. I've considered suicide many times in my life, I'm lucky I never got really to act upon my thoughts...
I've been suffering with depression for years, and now maybe I've found the wall which makes me shift from good mood to bad mood. I think this is the oportunity we all need to see from a different point of view, to get outside our heads and scream that we want help, and that we can help, 'cause we understand.

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Essential reading, November 15, 2005
By moon tree (UK) - See all my reviews
I wish I'd had a copy of this book when I was suicidal. It's full of simple, practical ideas for keeping yourself safe and beginning to feel better. The crisis plan is especially good, and easy to follow even when you find it hard to think straight. The only reason I gave this book four stars rather than five is that I came across it after I'd recovered, and haven't tried out all of its techniques myself - but from my experience of what did help me, they're all excellent.

"How I Stayed Alive..." would also be a useful self-help book for people who self-injure, even if they don't feel suicidal. Most of the suggestions work just as well for getting through the urge to self-harm.

I've heard two main criticisms of this book. The first is that the author wasn't "really" suicidal, but just attention-seeking. I disagree. All suicide attempts should be taken seriously, even if the person's done it many times before, or chooses to get help afterwards. In fact, the more unsuccessful suicide attempts a person has made, the more likely they are statistically to die by their own hand. And seeking medical help after one has taken an overdose can, tragically, be too late. That's why books such as this one are so important, because they help prevent the suicide attempts in the first place. Admittedly, this book is aimed mainly at people whose suicidal thoughts and feelings come and go, and who need help in getting through those difficult times without harming themselves. Someone who is unrelentingly suicidal and not interested in alternative courses of action probably needs to be in hospital, not reading a self-help book.

The other criticism I've heard is that not all the book's suggestions can be used by everyone. That's true. Some people may not have a good friend they can ring up in the middle of the night, while others may not be able to afford therapy. But "How I Stayed Alive..." also contains many techniques that require nothing more than a copy of the book. I'd encourage anyone who uses this book to adapt the crisis plan to their own particular situation, removing any steps that aren't appropriate and adding in anything extra they can think of.

"How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me" should be required reading for anyone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or self-harm.

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For more Amazon reviews, click here.

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BARNES AND NOBLE Reviews

This book saved my life November 4, 2008
I stumbled across this book by chance when I was searching for something to help me better understand and survive my depression. Reading this book is what turned a life that was heading down the road to complete self destruction and even death back to a renewed sense of hope and healing. After reading this book, I encouraged my family and closed friends to read it as well, to help them better understand what I was going through and how they could help.

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Posted April 6, 2007
My sister mailed this book to me. i was highly skeptical. i had tried the drugs, spiritual reference, friends, vacations, massage --- anything to try and reroute my brain's hideous negativity and suicidal urges. my life was falling apart. all i need to say is this: this book is NOT patronizing or too medical, psychological. it is as if a friend or a trusted therapist is helping you thru the most difficult first steps. it helped me, and i thought i was a lost cause!

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A well-examined life May 22, 2003
Socrates said, ¿The unexamined life is not worth living.¿ In ¿How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me,¿ Susan Rose Blauner pursues a courageous and painstaking examination of a life of pain and suffering, discovery and remarkable personal growth. Bearing witness to history, culture, and personal experience is perhaps the most crucial responsibility of being human. With her willingness to disclose the details of her personal journey from despair to hope, Ms. Blauner has borne witness to a very personal struggle in a way that provides guidance to others who suffer similarly. This guide through the minefield of suicidal thoughts and impulses will inevitably save lives. While the author provides considerable insight regarding the nature and origins of suicidal thoughts, the heart of the guide is Chapter Three, entitiled ¿Tricks of the Trade.¿ In this chapter, she offers a variety of practical steps that can be taken to overcome suicidal impulses when they occur. While every step may not appeal to everyone, there is enough variety to provide useful strategies for most people who struggle with suicide. Trick #19: Helping Others is particularly pertinent. I would add to this step imagining the possibilities for helping others in the future. Had Susan Blauner envisioned sooner the influence that she would eventually have upon so many lives, her will to live may have grown stronger years earlier. Perhaps the most crucial message of this work, then, is that it is worth going on if only to discover our capacity for bringing light into other lives.

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From Publishers Weekly
For 18 years, Blauner survived obsessive suicidal thoughts with the help of three psychiatric hospitalizations, an excellent therapist, 12-step support groups, "spiritual exploration," Prozac and a network of family and friends. This personal account of what worked for her offers excellent practical advice to "teach you how to get through those excruciating moments when every cell in your brain and body is screaming, `I want to die!' " Approaching "suicidal thoughts" as an addiction, Blauner clearly explains how some people's "brain style" responds to environmental stresses or "triggers" with obsessive suicidal thoughts rather than cravings for alcohol or other drugs. Strongly influenced by the very successful 12-step model, she fashions a patchwork of strategies for understanding, preventing and treating suicidal "gestures," which she asserts are not actually attempts to die but efforts to stop unbearable psychological pain. Childhood sexual abuse and the death of her mother when she was 14 contributed to Blauner's long struggle, but she herself had to make the decision and effort to begin therapy at age 19, before her problem was even recognized or treated. Now Blauner provides others like herself with "Tricks of the Trade" that can literally save lives. With neither hollow platitudes nor medical doublespeak, she covers brain function, antidepressants, finding a good therapist, identifying triggers, creating a "Crisis Plan" for critical moments and heading off suicidal thoughts by coping with hunger, anger, loneliness and fatigue. Blauner provides an extremely valuable and much-needed tool for both suicidal thinkers and their loved ones. B&w illus.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal
According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for all Americans and the third leading cause of death for those ages 15 to 24. Yet as Blauner points out, suicide is rarely talked about openly. In her heartfelt and important book, Blauner, who has survived multiple suicide attempts and developed a statewide suicide prevention program for teens in Massachusetts, offers guidance and hope for those contemplating ending their lives. The story of her 18-year struggle with suicidal impulses is followed by a concise explanation of the biochemical process inside the brain of a suicidal thinker. The bulk of the book consists of her 25 personal "tricks of the trade," practical, safe alternative activities any suicidal thinker can employ to "outthink" his or her brain and stay alive. These include asking for help, keeping emergency contact information handy, creating a crisis plan, keeping a journal, practicing meditation, and attending support groups, to name just a few. The chapter on helping others will be useful for mental health professionals. A resource list includes numerous crisis hotline telephone numbers, web sites, and contact information for support organizations. This vital resource is recommended for all public libraries.

MRI and FRANK SINATRA

2010-08-18T14:25:00.005-04:00

Hi. My plan worked. I made myself tired enough that I fell asleep during the MRI. Voila! Having Frank singing in my ears was an added bonus. I couldn't help but think of my friend Lenny, who has a show during which he sings from the Great American Songbook, with Sinatra a central theme. As longtime readers know, I love Sinatra. The MRI was uneventful and easy. This time I mentioned my shoulder injury, so the tech had me keep my arms down at my sides rather than over my head. What a difference! Completely a different experience. No discomfort at all, whereas the other way it is excruciating. Why the heck do MRI machines make such a racket? It was interesting to listen to the constant swooshing sound. I realized that it sounded like the machine was saying "AWARE.....AWARE......AWARE......AWARE......AWARE" Do you think it was trying to tell me something?

I awoke today feeling positive and refreshed. Took the dogs for a nice long walk, and have spent the last hour or so designing my new website. Such relief. A. is visiting and will help me get the site up and running. He is a web developer. Hi, A!

I'm off to buy chocolate ice cream with marshmallow swirl, then go to the library for a bunch of movies, then rest and relaxation. I've been working really hard. Time for a break.

Hey, do you want to see the palm card I just designed? In addition to the billboard I designed? Here they are. A palm card is something a political candidate hands out during rallies, etc. It's two-sided, so imagine both of these back to back on heavy card stock. The children's book design is also going well. So much fun. I love it.

Oh, I will start the Femara today. Let the games begin.

FEMARA AND MRI TODAY

2010-08-17T14:31:00.005-04:00

Hi. It's been an interesting day. I worked until 4 a.m. on a graphic design project. At noon I was getting a bone density scan. I have therapy in half an hour, then a MRI in Springfield at 6:30 p.m. This is the follow up MRI. I'm nervous. I think that's one reason I've been working so much...to get tired. I'm wiped. This way I won't get too stressed. I'm very nervous that they are going to find another cancer and that all this fucking roller coaster ride will start again. I was thinking today how relentless this process has been. Yes, I made it through, but what a test of perseverance. I don't want to go through it again. I picked up the Femara today and will start that later. My copay is $20. The meds cost $595.00 for 30 pills! What a fucking ripoff. Obviously I'm grouchy. I just got the mock up for my website, that was designed by a hosting company and it's AWFUL. Plus, it's LATE. I feel really disappointed and frustrated. I'm canceling my design account with them. Okay. I have to go get my head shrunk. The good news is, finances continue to improve and I feel much less stress around that, and much more in my element professionally. I just wanted to check in and say hi and air my nerves in the ether. Thank you for reading and caring. I hope your day has gone beautifully thus far.

Be well,
Sue

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZY

2010-08-13T03:00:00.004-04:00

Wow, have I been busy! Loads of work on all fronts: book promo, windows, graphics, the store. It's great, and I'm getting a bit fried. I dropped off the prescription for Femara today. Will pick it up tomorrow. I figured I'd better just do it and get it over with rather than fret about it like I did the Arimidex. I'm not happy about it, mind you, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I have an MRI and a bone density scan set for next Tuesday, August 17, so that will be good to get a baseline. Part of these aromatase inhibitors is bone density loss. Joy. I went for a nice swim yesterday in Wendell State Forest. So beautiful. Good aerobic workout. Now, if I could swim everyday in fresh or salt water I would totally do it. I love to swim. But, I don't like chlorine, so I wouldn't swim at the Y. Plus, I don't like exercising indoors.

I just finished a job for a client and I'm wiped. Good night all.

Love,
Sue

As a matter of fact, here is the lovely place I swam yesterday! The Internet is so amazing. I just Googled Wendell State Forest and lookey here.

A FOGGY DAY

2010-08-11T22:50:00.002-04:00

NOTE: This was previously posted on Monday, August 9, but someone or something posted a lude (sp?) comment, so I deleted the post so I could delete the comment.

Hi. I'm in New Hampshire at the moment. I stopped here on my way home from a weekend reunion with three college roommates. The weekend went way too fast. I was so tired on the drive home that I stayed overnight here, then decided to stay another day. I feel pretty out of it. All weekend I was tired. Almost falling asleep during conversations at night. I just feel weird, like I'm in a dream. Who am I? I'm going to taken myself to a movie tonight Exit through the Giftshop. Looking forward to it. I've needed rest, which is what I did this morning. I went down for breakfast at 10 a.m., then back to bed until 2 p.m. Walked to the natural food store, bought stuff for lunch, then back up to my room for a snack and a 20-minute meditation. I'm at the public library now. I'm headed to a place for swimming, then back then to the movie then bed and long sleep. I hope I feel better tomorrow. My thumb is still screwed up, and in fact VERY painful (the kind of pain that makes one gasp) when I accidently stress it. I'm not sure what to do, but I feel very very leery and apprehensive about doing the fall flowers at Wilson's. It will require a LOT of fine motor coordination, and I'm sure will exacerbate the discomfort. I'm thinking about giving two-weeks notice there, because I don't see this getting much better, and I'm scared, honestly, about the encompassing physical fatigue that ensues with holiday decorating throughout the store. Doesn't feel worth the money I make. It's really hard.

I'm off. Just wanted to check in. I'd like to feel clearer headed. Maybe it's allergies? Are there new things floating in the air?

Love
Sue

ON TO FEMARA

2010-08-03T21:16:00.007-04:00

Greetings all. I met with Dr. K yesterday and agreed to try Femara. Here is a good page that discusses the difference between Arimidex, Femara, and Aromasin, the other aromatase inhibitor. She said that the chemotherapy and hormone therapy together create an 80% reduction in the chance of recurrence. She reminded me that radiation CANNOT be taken into consideration in the recurrence equation, because it is a local treatment, not a systemic one. So, without hormone treatment, which is what Femara and Armidex are, the chance of recurrence is about 40%. She said that chemo and hormone therapy work 50-50 in the 80% equation. I didn't realize that my chance of recurrence was so high.

She scheduled a bilateral MRI for sometime in the next week or so - egadz. Then a bilateral mammo in November. She said both are mainly to see if there is a NEW cancer. Gulp went my heart. Oye. I feel fuzziness in my chest just from writing those words. Hopefully there will BE no new cancer for the rest of my life. I have to accept that this is just the way it will be. At least until I'm five years out.

Gotta go eat, shower, and sleep. I feel much better for many reasons. Soon I will show those of you who are having financial problems as a result of the cancer, what you can do regarding your credit cards. I got some GREAT news today from my credit card company, and I would like to share it with you in detail so you can utilize it for your own benefit.

Love to all,
Sue

CHECKING IN

2010-07-29T22:29:00.003-04:00

Hello beautiful people. Next week I have an appointment to meet with my oncologist to talk about the alternatives to Arimidex. I decided not to give it another try. In my gut I know it's not the right thing to do. I know one other drug is Femera. There are more. For you newbees, after the chemo and radiation, I started Tamoxifen (I would have to take it for five years), but my mood crashed. I stopped it then restarted it and the same thing happened. So, I had my ovaries removed -- to take care of most of the estrogen, which is what the Tamoxifen was for -- and tried Arimidex. This is the five-year anti-estrogen drug for women who have gone through menopause. Since I have no ovaries, I've been in menopause since October 2009. On Arimidex my hands and feet got very swollen and at times painful, then I started having bad pain in my thumb. I stopped the Arimidex. So, I'm meeting with Dr. K on Tuesday to talk options.

I've had a nice week. Very social and many outdoor activities, which has felt wonderful seeing as it's summer. I've been working hard designing the children's book for my client, and doing promotional work for my suicide prevention book. I even sold one tonight to a local library, where I went to see a concert.

Need to hit the hay. Just wanted to say hello. Thanks again for your continued support. It's certainly been an interesting two years. The two-year anniversary of the diagnosis is coming up: August 29. Two years. Can you believe it?

Love to all,
Sue

THUMB BETTER

2010-07-23T12:25:00.004-04:00

Hi. With my thumb immobile, it's beginning to get better. Thank you doc! I'm pretty tired, but plugging away. Not actually tired, really, but I don't know, not fully energized. Working at home today, and for that I feel grateful. It's great to be able to work at home and earn money. Today it's graphics for a children's book, as well as bookkeeping for the store.

No big cancer news, other than I've decided not to try Arimidex again, and instead go with Femera or some other drug. I'm not willing to risk more of what I experienced the last time.

I really need to get cracking on promoting my suicide prevention workshops. It's just really hard with three other jobs. Not enough time or energy in the day. I need a publicist or agent. Know any good ones?

I send you all good wishes.

Love
Sue

NEW PHOTOS

2010-07-21T18:03:00.002-04:00

Hi. Lest you've been wondering what I look like now, with hair, here are pictures that BZ took yesterday. I'll be using them for promotion, and for the website. Prior to chemotherapy, my hair was brown. Now it's blackish and gray. The gray is also due to aging, but it's much more pronounced now. I'll include a pic from October 2008 for comparison.

I went to the doctor -- rather than the oncology office, which I did last week -- about my thumb and she said it's a tendon problem. She "buddy" wrapped my thumb to my hand, as well as to the forefinger to immobilize it, and suggested I buy a wrist split to keep my hand from curling in at night while I sleep, which causes the tendon to be streched a lot. That's why it hurt so much every morning. Apparently, when we sleep, we curl our hands up. Who knew.

I'm beat. Feeling very vulnerable for many reasons. Finally took a day and only worked for about ten minutes. With four jobs it's hard to keep a full day off a full day off. Jobs are: promoting my book and arranging speaking engagements; freelance graphic design; the store; and window design. I'll be speaking in Detroit in September at the veteran hospital, and I'm in contact with facilities in Indiana and Illinois.

I hope you're all well. Thank you for your continued interest and support.

Be well,
Sue

October 2008

HELPING VETERANS

2010-07-18T12:38:00.008-04:00

Hi everybody. Sorry I've been out of touch. Been busy with work. Life feels easier now that I've decided to take some time to unwind from the last two year's intensity, and I'm starting to really plan my trip. I went and looked at a camper van the other day. WAY COOL. I'll include pics. This morning on my drive home from central Massachusetts I started thinking aloud about all that I need to do to prepare. I specifically asked the Universe for some help in the style of creative visualization, which I used to do a lot. And, coincidentally, my life seemed to really blossom during that time. Miracles happened so often. Of course, miracles happen every day, but during that time these were specific miracles. I thought of a great bumper sticker:

KEEP OUR VETERANS ALIVE
howistayedalive.com

I believe that old site now links to my current site (which is underconstruction). I'm going to design the bumper stickers and have them printed up. Now of course my brain is firing on all cylinders, conjuring up a fundraiser or various ways to fundraiser to buy the van. I wonder if I could hold a concert at a local venue. Hmm. If I knew a auto body painter I could have that slogan painted on the sides of the van along with the suicide prevention hotline.

My thumb continues to get worse then a bit better then worse still. I'm going to insist that they do an X-ray. I of course, am afraid it's bone cancer. How can I help but be worried about that? Last night it hurt so much it was burning after I tried to unplug a fan from a wall socket. Then, I tried to plug it into another socket and I could barely finish the job. I'd like to know what the lump is at the base of my thumb. My sense is it's a cyst because I have other cysts in my hands (and body for that matter), but I want to be sure. When I have a little extra dough I'll probably go to acupuncture. Even now, as I'm typing, I'm getting a cramp in my arm and thumb and forefinger.

It was wonderful to see my nieces and nephew yesterday. Such amazing people.

If anyone knows about grant money that could be applied to a woman's cross country trip to all Veteran facilities please let me know. I'm sure there is money out there, I just don't know where to look. Takes research. Here is the van.

Love,
Sue

A NOVEL IDEA

2010-07-10T12:36:00.003-04:00

Hi. After some deliberation and great support from Jen and Don (thanks!) I've decided to really lay low for a while and give myself a year or more if I need to, to get myself back in business. Doctors will say there is no reason for me to be tired now. I say HA! I'm tired and worn out from the past two years. It will be two years since the diagnosis on August 28, 2010. So much has happened. Right now I'm standing at the library's online PC and jeez, my feet feel like they're about to EXPLODE. They hurt so much. Yesterday my feet and legs were like dock pilings. Could be the shoes.

I went to the oncology office yesterday morning and in retrospect I realize that she - the NP - did and said absolutely NOTHING to help me with pain in my hand/thumb. Word was that this is what happens as we age. We get achey. What the fuck is up with that? Incredible. The latest notion is to stay off the Arimidex until the end of July and try it again to see if those side effects return, since I'm seeing my oncologist around August 25ish. At the time I felt OK about giving that a try, but now I don't know.

Oh. She also said that this type of swelling can be a delayed reaction to the sentinal node biopsy and/or the radiation, but I don't think that's it. I really think it was the Arimidex. She measured my biceps and forearms to check for lymphodema (swelling) and my right bicep (the side where the cancer was) was larger, but I'm right handed, so she anticipated that.

Basically, I have no helpful news from going to see the nurse practitioner, and today my thumb is worse. Then again, we're having rain, finally. We need it. I am determined NOT to develop some permanent pain in my thumb. My hands are too useful and provide me with such avenues for creativity.

I bid you adieu,
Sue

MELTING

2010-07-06T17:32:00.003-04:00

Whoa said the horse, where is the watering trough? Don't know where that came from, but I just went with it. Complete heat wave, about 100 degrees today. I called and made an appointment for my yearly physical. She couldn't see me until August 24. Turns out I was able to get an appointment at the oncology office for Friday to see the physicians assistant about my hand. It' actually feeling a tiny bit better, but whenever I use it to say, turn a doorknob or pick up something small, it hurts. I spent some time today working on my new web site. I have a feeling it's going to be a long process. I'm hoping to have it done in the next week. Right now if you go there it's just a Joomla! page. Apparently you can register though, whatever that means, because someone just did. And, I think if people Email me at sue@susanroseblauner.com the Email will be forwarded to me, which is important. I had a good therapy session today. She pointed out something: that for the last two years I've been dealing with a LOT and maybe now is a time to regenerate. Feels like it. It wasn't just the cancer treatment; it was the surgery in October, the jump into menopause, financial stress. I'm looking forward to joining the next breast cancer support group -- the one for people who've are two years post diagnosis. I also need to check out The Cancer Connection in the Northampton area. I've heard their support groups are great.

I feel sad and weary. Feel like keeping to myself for the most part and I have very little to give anybody else. For now that's just going to have to be okay, and if it's not, well, so be it. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I had enough money to take September off and travel around the United States. I'm sure I sound like a broken record about that. We'll see if I can make it happen.

I'm off to get some movies (I'm at the library), and chill out -- literally -- in my livingroom, read a Joomla! book, maybe work on earrings, and relax. Technically, today was a day off, even though I worked on my website for several hours earlier.

Love,
Sue

SCORCHER

2010-07-05T11:29:00.006-04:00

We're havin' a heat wave. Yikes. Something like 95 degrees out there today. Watered my garden, now I'm planning a cool day indoors. Still swollen, but I'm not sure if that's because of the heat. Definitely though, thumb is way worse in the morning, and it seems to get worse so every day. Once it's up and running it gets better, but forget about opening stuck jars or turning a light switch. I really hope this goes away. I need to do more research about it. Tomorrow I'll call my primary care physician and set up my annual physical. That will feel good. Maybe she'll be able to take me this week by some strange miracle.

Do you like show tunes? I love them. I'm listening to Sunday in the Park with George right now. So inspiring. Hey, I made recycled paper earrings and I've already sold two pair at the store. Today I'm going to hunker down and make a huge pile of new earrings (albeit with some pain due to my hands - fucker Arimidex). Did I tell you I've been hired to design a children's book? So exciting!!!! And I'm doing graphics for someone who is running for State Representative.

Ciao for now. I'm off to cool down and eat leftover apple pie. Oh, you know what I realized the other night as I downed my tenth almond crisp cookie: In no way am I going to stop eating sugar for cancer's sake. No way Jose. I love desserts, and that is one thing cancer can not take away from me. I have such pleasure whilest nibbling a delicious treat. I'm a petite person, so it's not like I have to worry about my weight thankfully. I think sweets now and then is a beautiful thing.

Love to you,
Sue

THUMBS, FUNDRAISING & SOUL TRAIN

2010-07-04T09:43:00.008-04:00

Hey -- 40,000 page views on the blog! Thanks. Big Boob Blog News: You can now Follow the Boob. See sidebar for my list of follows and where you can join the boob-train. It's like Soul Train, but without the dancing. Not only can you Follow the Boob, you can Subscribe to the Boob. That's a bit like subscribing to The New York Times without New York, though as readers will tell you, now and then The Big Apple is a feature story. On to the Boob News of the day:

Morning one and all. My right hand seems to be worsening I'm sorry to say, particularly my thumb. When I first wake up the pain is about a 5/6 on a scale of 1-10, and now it's beginning to radiate into my pointer finger and middle finger on occasion, particularly if I, say, turn a doorknob, or try to pick up something small like a coin. Yesterday I also began experiencing tingling and burning sensations on the inner side of my forearm, up toward my elbow. The kind of tingling that feels like an itch. As I type this, my right bicep feels a bit crampy. I'm fairly certain it is Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which, according to my research, was quite common for women on Arimidex. The range of motion in my thumb is noticeably smaller. Now, THIS is starting to piss me off. Because of all the discomfort yesterday I realized how much I rely on and enjoy using my hands. Plus, I'm right handed. Isn't that convenient?

What's happening is, due to the swelling, the carpal nerve in my wrist is getting pinched or squeezed, which causes these sensations. Some of the sensations feel muscular, but I think that's part of the fun. I iced my hand last night and I suppose I'll do that again today. Instead of going to see my oncologist about this, I've decided to make an appointment for my yearly physical and have my PA take a look. That way, she can do a full blood workup (which will test my liver enzymes to see if they are elevated for any reason -- cancer causes them to rise), and the co-pay is only ten dollars instead of seventeen. Seriously, folks. That was a factor in my decision-making. I figured why pay seventeen for a five-minute appointment that involves no blood work, when I can pay ten and get the whole shebang? Then, if I still have to see Dr. K I will, but I will have to get the physical anyway. Plus, this is an incentive to have the physical sooner rather than later. For newbees out there....when I had my physical in August 2008, that was when we found the cancer. It would follow suit that I be nervous to return for my physical, so this will help. Gee, not until then did it actually sink in that on August 28, 2010, it will be two years since the diagnosis. And the fun continues in the form of this problem with my hands.

My good friend Britta just told me about a fundraiser on Cape Cod called Against the Tide. Breast cancer rates on Cape Cod are 20% higher than other parts of the state. Take a look at the site: Against the Tide for the Massachusetts Breast Cancer Coalition. I think I'm going to go. We're going to participate together. Britta was diagnosed last fall, at the age of thirty. 30!!! Check out Britta's Boob Blog. I'm of course thinking about holding a fundraiser. My mind just goes on autopilot when I hear about things like this. We each have to raise $150. No sweat. BUT -- I could make it a community-building/public-awareness event by holding an event. I need to think small. Maybe a house party fundraiser. I've already asked the director of Amandla if she'd be willing to have some of us sing. And of course there's my friend Lenny Zarcone, entertainer to the stars. You know what? I'm going to set up a PayPal account for anyone who wants to donate through the blog. Can I do that?

You know, I just had an ah-ha. By writing this blog and finding photos and telling you this unfolding story it really helps me deal with everything. I don't feel so alone with my inner world of frustration, sadness, and angst pertaining to the cancer. I don't want to be a cancer survivor, but I am. So there. At least I don't have to be alone with it. That's why I do things like throw fundraisers and bring people together. These things lift my spirits and takes the focus off the immediate. I suppose that's not exactly a Buddhist way of doing things, but I do my best to stay present in the moment while I'm planning a future moment, and I am good about letting go of expectation. OK. I'm off to brave this 90-degree day. Dog walk. Work. BBQ. Fireworks at UMASS.

My love,
Sue