TIRED AND JOB HUNTING

Good morning all. I'm still feeling worn out. I'm also feeling sad and afraid. I've made a significant decision that has helped me feel a bit better, still it feels as though the last three years are catching up with me. If I could do anything in the whole wide world, I would get a new car -- one good for camping and traveling -- and drive all over the country, interviewing people about their lives. That is a dream of mine. I wish I could do it. The only thing stopping me is money. I'm working hard to shift my self-perspective about money. It's an ongoing process. I can't remember if I wrote about this, but one thing I'm exploring is my sense of LACK, and that maybe I believe I am inherently unworthy of financial prosperity. My life is rich with wonderful friends, I have a great house and garden, I love my animals, I am close with some of my family, I am healthy (I hope!). So, my life is abundant in many important ways. I saw a job posting yesterday for a visual merchandising manager at Yankee Candle, for which I am entirely suited. I'm going to submit a resume and portfolio of my design work. Should I get the job, it will be the first full-time job I've had since April 2007, when I left The Recorder to be director of operations for Yellow Barn Music School & Festival. That job was way beyond full time. What a wild and crazy and ridiculously stressful summer that was. Still, it's an honor to have worked for such a prestigious chamber music school/festival. It's one of the best in the world. Since the fall of 2007, I've had multiple, concurrent, part-time jobs, which I actually like a lot better. I like the variety and I really like working for myself. The trick is, range of paychecks vary greatly depending on what's going on.

BREAST CANCER SUPPORT GROUP
Yesterday I called a local resource center to see about starting a weekly breast cancer support group. I need the solidarity of women who have been or are going through this process. I need to have fun with these women, and explore what it means to be a survivor. I never wanted to consider myself that. I just wanted to get on with life, but this is really hard. Particularly because I'm single, without children, no ovaries, in full-fledged menopause at 45. I feel adrift as a woman. I look at women who are very feminine, pretty clothes, nice jewelry. They obviously take time with their appearance and feel feminine. I sometimes do, but for the most part, these days I don't really care. I think it's partly depression -- you know, pulling clothes out of a pile on the floor and throwing them on, that sort of thing. But I also think it's a mindset. I know part of me doesn't want to be attractive to men because I don't want to be hurt in any way, shape, or form. I really want to be done with it. I wish I were ninety-five. Then part of me grieves it, particularly when I'm with a family like I was over the weekend.

Back to the cancer support group: so, I thought we could meet, say, the first and third Thursdays of every month at the resource center for a more "formal" group, where we each get a chance to share what's going on -- without interruption, advice, comment (something that is lacking at the one support group that is offered around here, which is the main reason I don't go to it). We would come up with several positive, loving, affirming guidelines that we recited each meeting, and we'd support each other as peers. If there is time after we all share, we could work on a creative project that helps us explore our cancer experience. Then, on the alternate Thursdays we'd get together outside of the resource center for tea, or bowling, or a movie, or something else. Something unrelated to cancer. I think there are a LOT of women in the area who need this. Once I hear from the woman at the center I'm going to contact The Recorder and The Gazette and other area papers and see if they'll write an article about it. If not, I will write a press release and submit it. I'm actually starting to feel a little excited, just writing this post.

Better go. I have to finish the Easter windows at Wilson's. I need to get a new camera so I can be sure to photograph all the new windows as I go. My camera is shot. No pun intended.

I wish you all a beautiful day.

Love,
Sue