HELLO HELLO

Greetings one and all. Happy to report there is nothing to report. Feeling good. Tired, but normal, whatever that is. I've had a very nice weekend and I'm looking forward to the week. My meds are finally back on track - Fluoxetine (Prozac) and Lamictal - and I'm back on the fish oils. The combo does the trick. I'm giving a suicide prevention forum this Wednesday, and feel excited to share a message of hope. I truly feel like doing this work is a gift, a blessing, my purpose for being on the planet. Tomorrow night I'm meeting with the gal who is getting her master's in art therapy, to have our final meeting about the visual journal. It's really been a wonderful process, and a way to explore certain issues that are now a part of my life as a survivor. One thing that came to the surface loud and clear was/is my sense of self as a woman. Without ovaries and estrogen, or children, or a partner, I feel hollow and empty as far as woman-y things go. How am I a woman now? That's a question I've been pondering. I'll be giving Kristen the journal to scan and review, and she'll use images in her thesis, as well as observations about the process. It was difficult at first, because it brought up all the shit, but now it feels like it's strengthened me. I have more insight and more direction. A bit more freedom to express how lonely it all really is, and how painful, even though I put up a great attitude throughout treatment. It's really a lonely thing. And for me, being a survivor is also a lonely thing. Not that I feel lonely, but I feel alone in relating to the world as a survivor. For today that's alright. I feel as though I've touched upon certain facets of myself as a person and woman that will help me feel reintegrated as a whole person, rather than a "survivor". I also feel inspired to begin painting again, and I feel ready to throw away/recycle most of my cancer notebook. Actually, I will SHRED it. That will be satisfying. I will keep all the medical info and reports, but I will trash everything else.

I've taken to destroying some of the paperwork and using it in my visual journal. For example, today, while watching Manhattan Murder Mystery, I took two 8.5" x 11" sheets of instructions given to me by the oncology nurse about how and when to take all the steroids to prevent nausea -- this one every four hours, this one every eight hours, etc. -- and I cut them up into teeny tiny slivers of paper, and I painted Modge Podge (water-based adhesive, sort of like Elmer's Glue) on the sheet of journal paper and cut the tiny strips of paper into teeny tiny weeny orts, then painted more Modge Podge over that layer, then cut more orts, then more Modge Podge, then more orts, until the steroid instructions were an unrecognizable mass of orts. It's actually quite nice. Very textured. Very satisfying to cut the paper up. I highly recommend it. I sort of felt like I was killing it. Is that okay?

Love to all,
Sue