WORKING FROM BED

Hi. What a luxury. I've got my laptop, my cell phone, and even my printer here in my room, and I've been working horizontally all day. I need it. I'm feeling a tiny bit better, thanks to the loving support of a friend. I think I just needed to know I am loved, and she lavished those sentiments and made me some soup. Soup is always good. Still, I'm dealing with a lot of grief around my identity as a cancer survivor -- launching into menopause due to the oophorectomy, being single, childless. It's normal for any woman to look back on her life and reflect on the experience of being a woman, when menopause begins. For me, it was not gradual in any way. I had no time to prepare. Out went the ovaries on October 8, 2009, and in came menopause. I'm still doing the visual journaling, which is both helping and hindering. I think it's acting as a cauldron for stewing on my sadness. At the same time, it's nice to have a place to express how I'm feeling using imagery. Last night a drew a lot of human figures with a big empty torso. That's sort of how I feel. Who am I? What is my body to me now? Can I see/feel myself female and sexy and desirable? Do I even want to see myself that way anymore? Is it possible?

I also realized that I don't have much FUN in my life. It's all so serious and mostly focused on work: the tour, the store, the windows, etc. It needs fun. I'm a very social person, and I haven't been too social over the last few years. I've retreated into a smaller world. Yes, I have many friends and we get together for dinner or to watch a movie, or to go and hear some music, but I need PEOPLE and SCENES. I really need to remember what I like to do for fun -- like dancing -- and do it. What I'd really like to do is take a clowning class. I think I'm going to sign up for a juggling class at a circus school. That would be really fun, and it's physical, and it will help my brain health. The bilateral stimulation of juggling is really good for neural activity. Plus, I want to use juggling in my suicide prevention workshops (esp. at high schools).

I'm headed to NH this weekend to exhibit at a suicide prevention conference. Looking forward to it. Generally when I do these things I get a charge, because it reminds me of my life purpose. BUT I need to focus on having more FUN when I get back, and start putting things on the calendar that are very social and active. Maybe a game night?

I wish you all well. Thanks for your continued support. If you have any ideas for having fun I'm all ears.

Love
Sue