HEAVY HEAVY

Sorry I haven't written as of late. On Monday a close friend of mine found out she has breast cancer. She's in her early thirties. I can't believe it. All of you women out there that don't get mammograms are playing with fire. She went in for a routine physical just on a whim, and the doc found a lump. She had an ultrasound biopsy last week, and found out yesterday: stage one. She was at my birthday party on Saturday and slept over after the party. We had a great time reconnecting (she's from out of state). I'm keeping her in my thoughts and prayers. It's a blessing to be able to help her. She is the first person close to me to get breast cancer. I know full well what she meant when she said, "It's just so surreal. I want to go back to sleep and wake up and start the day over again."

Tonight at Amandla Chorus rehearsal, I just burst into sobs while we sang Peace Be With You by Jim Scott. I stood there and cried and wept while the chorus surrounded me and sang. I was singing for her and I was singing for me and the combination brought on the waters.

MRI RESULTS ARE IN
Everything looks fine. But, no one has mentioned my left breast and a biopsy on that thickening area. What happened with that. Just writing it I feel my heat rising. So fucking angry at cancer and the fact that I have to be ON TOP of all of this stuff. Why hasn't anyone mentioned it? Dr. Miller and the radiologist who did my ultrasound both thought it should be biopsied. Now suddenly all is quiet on the left boob front. It's just so frustrating: "Well, does that mean I can stop worrying about my left breast, or does that mean they just forgot? Or does that mean wires got crossed and no one made note of it in the first place?" Why, suddenly, after two physicians think I need a biopsy do I suddenly NOT need a biopsy. They all say that MRIs don't necessarily give consistent results. It's exasperating. I'm getting upset as I write this so I'm going to close.

I'm really tired and feel fragile and thin.

Love to you,
Sue