SHIVA AND THE NEW YEAR

Happy New Year, one and all. I'm off to Kripalu with Anthony for an evening of chanting the Sanskrit mantra Om Namah Shivaya.

Here is an explanation off the web
The sounds related directly to the principles which govern each of the first six chakras on the spine...Earth, water, fire, air, ether. A very rough, non-literal translation could be something like, "Om and salutations to that which I am capable of becoming."

Here is another interpretation
Om Nama Shivaya translated literally means "I bow down to Shiva, I salute Shiva." Now the literal meaning can indicate an association through respect, faith, belief and devotion, the bhakti, that an individual has for the divine. Those who understand the principle of Shiva will find this mantra very pleasing to their nature .They will relate to the bhakti, the aspect of surrendering with respect, gratitude and faith to a quality of the divine which they have felt in their life.

A-HA, and here is a third, the best so far
"Ohm Namah Shivaya" is one of the most powerful of Sanskrit mantras - phrases designed to create a transformation in consciousness. This mantra begins with the primordial sound "OM". "Namah" means "to bow" or "to honor". In Hinduism, Shiva is that aspect of the Divine which breaks down or brings to a close the creative cycle. The mantra may be experienced as an appeal to God as the destroyer of our illusion and ignorance that stands in the way of perfect union.

Be safe everyone, and have a great new year! Thank you for all of your love, support, kindness, generosity, willingness, and humor. Consider yourselves hugged.

Namaste,
Sue

PS For those of you ooohing and ahhing over the awesome graphic at the top of this post, I can take no credit. I totally snarfed it from someone named Trevor on the web. (I even erased his name in handy dandy Photoshop. It used to read "From Trevor" within the swirling line of text.) So, in all fairness, I have to give Trevor credit where credit is due, which is not to me. Thanks, Trevor, and Happy New Year to you.

PAINT THE VOTE

Wait, before you read any further (see post below), take part in the Paint Color Poll, which is to your right, at the top of the white part of the screen. Vote for your paint color choice (see options in post below). Let's see how this polling device works! So far, Exotic Red is winning by one vote, mine ... the only vote. Just click on the little circle next to the color of your choice. Click VOTE, then click Show Results. Thanks.

GERMS AND PAINT COLORS

On Christmas Eve I made a vain attempt - a good college try at that - to find a spiritual oasis. The most divine experience that night was playing with my dogs, Honey and Jay. Lovely. Prior to that, I had been sitting in a pew, listening to an inordinately long children's story being read to the congregation, most of whom were over 30. Finally it ended and the choir sang, which was great. The choir's always great. I was sitting next to a friend who I hadn't seen in a long time. We were whispering between "acts" and during a longer whisper, in answer to my question, "So, how is your business?" she burst into a horse cough. It's amazing how chemo get's your hair up, or lack thereof, in the face of free-radical germs. We both snuck out during a congregational song, and when we said goodbye in the foyer she gave me this huge, loving hug. Oye, I thought. I love this woman, but I don't want her germs. As soon as we parted, I (literally) scurried downstairs to the ladies' room, scoured my face and hands with soap, dried up, then lathered everything with instant sanitizer, including my hat, scarf, and the front of my coat. Confident in the irradication of any potential virus, I breathed a sigh of relief and went on my Christmas Eve way, careful not to touch any lightswitches or doorknobs.
















I saw Dr. Katz yesterday, and during the exam, I showed her a sore lymph node along my left jawline. It was very tender to the touch. She said I might have been developing a sore throat, and if anything got any worse she'd put me on anti-biotics. Well, I'm not a big fan of anti-biotics, and as the day wore on, and the lymph node got bigger and sorer I went into action. Last night I got out the Clorox (I know, I know) sanitary wipes and santized every doorknob, lightswitch, handle, railing, and chair back in my house. Pictured above is the lovely glass-paned door that leads into my livingroom. Notice the antique wheelchair in the background. Perhaps in not too short a time I'll be turning wheelies down Avenue A. Then I got all new towels for the kitchen and bathroom, took a long long shower and scrubbed and scrubbed with my Tibetan hemp body scrubber, cut up some organic garlic into thin slices, put some in a container to keep by my bed, and slipped one into my mouth like chewing tobacco. To that I added a hot cup of Echinacea tea. Then I wiped down my bedroom floor with a wet cloth - it was too late to vacuum - changed my sheets and pillowcases, and slid into bed. I ate the slice of garlic, slid another one into my mouth, worked on a crossword puzzle and fell asleep. I feel much better today. For the rest of today I will stay in bed, eat garlic, drink echinacea tea, rest, read Pablo Naruda in Spanish, and generally pamper myself. And, I will wear a neck warmer and hat all day long. Such is the life of this particular cancer patient.

On to magic mouthwash.

MAGIC MOUTHWASH















So, a while ago I mentioned Magic Mouthwash, which is what they give you for thrush. Mine is much better, but I still have those nasty crackly corners of my mouth, though those too are improving. Thrush tastes like bad cough medicine mixed with Pepto Bismol, and leaves your mouth/toungue numb, with the flavor of Lidocaine that you get when the dentist numbs the part of your mouth s/he is about to puncture with the anesthetic needle, allowing him/her to drill a hole in your head. Here is a blurb I found on the web about MM "Magic Mouthwash contains many helpful ingredients that can ease the suffering of cancer patients who are suffering from oral mucositis to the point where they aren't able to eat solid food. In most cases, magic mouthwash contains diphenhydramine, a common antihistamine that is found in many popular products such as Benedryl. Many Magic Mouthwash products also contain glucocorticoids to lower the amount of inflammation and swelling that is often accompanied with oral mucostis. There are painkillers in most Magic products, as well, including Lidocaine and even an antacid such as Maalox. Many top Magic products also include Nystatin, a popular antifungal that is used to prevent outbreaks of thrush."

Thus ends this afternoon's medicinal blog entry. Stay warm and healthy. It's a germy world out there. OH, I almost forgot. I'm about to paint my living room a luscious red. The top one is Cherry Wine, the bottom is Exotic Red. Which one do you like? Here is the Benjamin Moore Virtual Fan Deck which will show you the colors. Click on the mini binoculars and enter the name of the color and it will appear. Please cast your vote in the Paint Color Poll at the top right of the screen. Thanks. If you need more context, here is a pic of my living room. See below.

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Obviously, the colors on your screen don't match the color on the paintchip, but I've provided the link to the Benjamin Moore virtual paint chip, which also doesn't match the color because of monitor variations. Still, I'm interested in your gut reactions. Thanks for your input.

Love,
Sue

ODE TO BARLEAN'S

I was stunned when the box arrived. I knew it was in transit, but my expectations far undervisioned its volume. Take a look at this care package from Barlean's. When I sent my thank you Email, the response was, "So glad you like the products. Remember though, absolutely nothing is encouraged or expected of you – except for your full recovery and excellent health. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." They sent SIX containers of Barlean's Greens (retail value $42 each), two containers of Forti-Flax (ground flax seed), and one container each of coconut oil, evening primrose oil capsules, and EPA-DHA fish oil capsules.

These products are excellent; I've been drinking Barlean's Greens w/water or in my fruit shakes ever since the diagnosis and I know it's made a big difference in my energy, clarity, and overall health. You can buy it at Green Fields Market or McCuskers or Whole Foods for that matter. It is a little pricey, but well worth it and it lasts a really long time. Plus, look how great this company is! They contacted ME after I mentioned Barlean's on my blog. Here is part of the initial Email (he sent it right after I raged about the lack of anonymity I had just experienced at the hospital - which, by the way, has been totally fine).

"Hi Sue:
I work for Barlean’s Organic Oils and I came across your blog. Heavy stuff and I can appreciate the rant. Your courage inspires me and I’m sure does the same for your readers. In a very small way I would like to help by sending you a bunch of Barlean’s Greens. Also, take a look at our Web site and see if there is anything else I can get for you www.barleans.com. If you are interested, I’ll get it right out to you. Keep that great spirit high."
























I couldn't resist an abstract















Juggling balls not included









I've added a link to Barlean's web site on the blog home page. Thank you Barlean's!


Cheers,
Sue

PEACE

Anthony and I went to the Peace Pagoda today in Leverett. A photographer's dream, fog and later a fire sunset. None of the colors in the following pictures have been altered.

CRACKING UP

Thought you'd enjoy these lovely gallery shots of my mouth, not to mention an update on hair growth, the healthy of my philodendron, and a nice zoom of my dental work. A couple of days ago dry cracks developed in the corners of my mouth and they've gotten worse; I called the hospital today, the triage nurse is talking to Dr. Katz, and she will relay Dr. Katz's recommendation. This also happened - interestingly enough - about a month prior to the cancer diagnosis. At the time it was angular cheilitis, and the doc gave me a magic pill that wiped it out. I'm not sure if it's the same thing this time, though the AC was a fungal condition - lovely! - and the thrush in my mouth is also fungal, so I have a feeling they are related. If you are scratching your head, mumbling aloud, "Why on EARTH is she telling us in such detail, and with PICTURES no less?!" it is because I want other women (and men) who are experiencing this process to see the real deal. I know as a recovering human being how comforting it is to get information firsthand. Less unknown, better educated.

With that, I leave you with these.
















Auf Wiedersehen,
Sue

PS See post below, written in the wee small hours of the morning.

MERRY HAPPY

I've had the best Christmas I've had in a very long time. Thank you to everyone who shared it with me. I feel truly blessed. Tears welled in my eyes and my heart swelled with love, compassion and gratitude. Thank you. Thank you. Thanksgiving, too, was the best I've had in a very long time. My world feels so rich with beautiful, wonderful people, family and friends alike. Breast cancer cannot touch this. What I'm feeling is eternal.

A lovely part of my day was cooking and sharing a scrumptious brunch with Anthony, afterwhich we opened gifts. He is a great gift giver. Look at this cool mini ionizer/vaporizer that he found at Whole Foods! It reminds me of R2D2. I keep expecting it to beep at me. Here is Prozy checking it out. I spent the late afternoon and evening at Jack and Laura's house and had a marvelous time with them, their friends, and Jack's mom and her partner Os (pronouced Oz - short for Osborne). Such fun people, all of them. Laura cooked an incredible meal and served everything so beautifully. Again, such blessings I felt; that's where my eyes got teary. After dinner we watched The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. A bit ironic, as it's a story about two men who are told they are terminally ill and they make a list of things they want to do before they die - and do them! I've been thinking clearly about what I want to do before I die (not that I plan on dying anytime soon, but a cancer diagnosis really puts things into perspective) and I feel even more motivated to set those wheels in motion. Things like being bilingual in Spanish, traveling around the US, going to Ireland, visiting my mom's sister in Washington state. Christmas night was wonderful - perfect, really - and I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to Jack and Laura, two very special people who have opened their hearts (and home) to me.

R2D2 even changes colors - all the colors of the rainbow.






















Anthony and Honey share holiday glee





















Jay helps Anthony open presents















I wish you all a wonderful New Year. Be kind and gentle with yourselves. You are already perfect and beautiful.

Love,
Sue

ENTITLEMENT

There is most definitely a sense of entitlement once a person has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is undergoing treatment to eradicate such. At least in my experience. It is now 1 a.m. and I've been working on the new header for the blog, all the while - after 12:30 a.m. that is - thinking, "I'm entitled to stay up late and do this if it makes me happy!" As if there is some blog wondergod keeping track of how late I keep myself awake. There is also a tinge of self-righteousness that flavors the entitlement. I better work to quell these irksome shortcomings before they grow too large. But, am I not entitled to feel entitled? I don't know the answer to that. I only know that it doesn't contribute much of anything positive to my life, so why spend my time focused there?

HOW AM I FEELING?
The last three days have been the worst thus far, barring right now. Sunday night I imploded, after shoveling a shit load of snow all weekend, and totally overdoing it around the house, etc. I have to begin to RESPECT what I am going through and remember that I am not the same person physiologically at the moment. I have to extend myself that honor and respect. I started feeling nauseas (sp?) Saturday night I think, then Sunday it got stronger, but I still had to shovel to keep the drive clear (I'm a landlady with two tenants). At the end of the last shoveling round I thought I would pass out. I took a shower and had to coach myself during the shower to keep alert. I began to feel like I did in the chair the day I had the stereotactic biopsy, when I started to sweat, and fade, and nod off. My entire body was quivering from fatigue and it ached extensively. I went to bed and thankfully my housemate offered to walk the dogs. He also got me the thermometer from the medicine cabinet, because I thought I was running a fever. I sat and cried for quite a while then did my best to deal with the intense nausea for the next six or seven hours, while I tried to sleep sitting up because it was too nauseating to sleep on my back or side. I didn't want to take any more steroids for the nausea because I didn't want to get constipated (TMI I know). But by 5:30 a.m. I couldn't stand it anymore. I took a compazine and then a lorazepam (sp?) and finally got some sleep. It was really awful. Really. Awful.

Yesterday I took it easy and felt pretty crappy, though slowly improved as the day wore on, because I was faithful to the anti-nausea steriod all day, taking it as soon as the next dose could be taken. Oh, by the way, I now have thrush, which came upon me Sunday night. Monday I called the hospital and they called in an Rx for "Magic Mouth Wash" - no foolin', that's what it's called - and yet another Rx in pill form that I'll take for the next several days for the thrush. My tongue is getting better, but Sunday night it felt like it was wrapped in a diaper (a clean one, to be clear). So, Monday the nausea got stronger in the evening, which stunk. I took a loraz and my final compaz for the day and got a solid night's sleep. Didn't get up until 1:15 today, which was just what I needed.

Spent 3 hours at The Rendezvous tonight. Perfect. Beaded, relaxed, watched two Christmas movies - Rudolph and The Grinch - and had a nice visit with Anne, someone who came to Keeping Abreast, who also goes to the Voo for craft night, which is Tuesday night.

My stomach is fair. I need to go to bed. And so I will.

Goodnight all.
Love,
Sue

CABIN GALLERY

As promised, here are a few snaps of the log cabin under construction. Very fun. I highly recommend it.

SNOWED IN

Despite the fact that I keep telling myself to take it easy, I have cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed upstairs, down the stairs and most of the first floor. I've done laundry, shoveled the driveway and walks, worked on Christmas presents, la dee da. I have to lay down. Feeling nauseaus. Wish I could go out, but I don't think it's a good idea. Way too much snow. It's quite in the house, very peaceful with just the tree lights and another string of lights in the dining room. The dogs are nestled all snug in their beds with visions of doggy bones round in their heads. The stockings are hung on the mantel with care in the hopes that next summer so soon will be here.

So, what do you think of the new header for the blog? Too much? I had fun playing with it yesterday. Does it load too slowly?

In terms of Chemo #2 I tolerated it fine. The nausea just started last night and today. Same time frame as last round. Oh, guess who's going to have her own jazz radio show? Moi. I'm so excited. It will be on the local radio station. I've wanted to have one for decades. I'll start training after the new year. To start it will be pre-recorded, then maybe live. I'm sure you all have better things to do than read this blog, like wrap presents, shovel, drink cocoa, so I'll close. Just wanted to check in and wish everyone a safe a warm evening.

Love,
Sue

SHAWLS AND CABINS

What does one do while recovering from breast cancer as the holiday bells and choir song echo through the hills? Bathed in childhood memories of art class in elementary school, free to let my imagination bring soft pillows and golden smiles, I've spent the last several days creating something so enjoyable I've decided to make it a holiday tradition. First, here is a picture of me in the beautiful prayer shawl sent to me by Karen. Next, my very first ginger bread log cabin! I'll put up detial pictures of it tomorrow.

RISE AND SHINE

Be it all the new meds in my system or just plain delusionary energetics, I have been up every last second of last night and it's now 7:08 a.m. I just slipped myself a Micky to see if that will help. I have to have regular sleep; they gave me sleeping meds, aka Mickies, at the oncology suite. I did use the awake time well and worked on my Blauner Enterprises business card. Also, as you may gander, I've posted my first ever painting for auction on Ebay. Click on the painting and it will take you to the listing. The snow outside my window is turning light blue. Lighter blue yet, now the palest shade of robin's ege blue. Check out listing below about Chemo #2A. Went as well as possible.

Sue

TAXOTERE AND ORNAMENTS

All went swimmingly today at chemo, an appropriate description considering all the fluids they pumped into me. This time I had a total of FIVE, count 'em, FIVE pre meds: Tagomet and Benedryl for the allergic reaction; the two original anti-nausea, and the one new anti-nausea.

Here I am on Benedryl, Hey man, can you spare a dime?






















Someone handmade Christmas ornaments and had them in a basket in the patient waiting area! So lovely.


















And what hospital visit would be complete without one of these. Notice we are officially into the winter footwear portion of the cancer treatment. The lovely suede cozies are Jen's, mine are the lumber-jack-tree-totin'-log-rollin' jobs peeking through.
















We passed the time talking, laughing (a lot), and playing Scrabble. Linda was my nurse again today. She was the nurse who administered the toxins the first time on November 19.
















And, alas, in case you were wondering, I of course had my FREE LUNCH. Here is a wide shot to give you the whole picture of where we were during the chemo. And then there's a closer upper.


My love to all. And BIG THANK YOUs to you lovelies who are jet-setting presents my way. My goodness. Tomorrow I will show everyone the beautiful and scrumpious prayer shawl sent to me by the one and only Karen Abel Jepsen, president of Nauset Regional High School's Class of '83. Thank you so much Karen. Sarah O. - thank you so much for the Whole Foods Gift Card. WOW! I love you both.


Good night and good luck,
Sue

TAXOTERE IT IS AGAIN

I spoke with the oncology triage nurse today, and my oncologist has decided -- and I quote -- "To re-challenge me with taxotere." I laughed aloud at the term re-challenge. They are going to give me additional premeds, in addition to the additional premeds they were going to give me last Wednesday, which weren't ready at the pharmacy anyway, so I didn't have them to take, additionally.

Needless to say, I feel very apprehensive about getting more of the same drug that through me into the state I entered last week. My hair is really falling out now, so I wanted to shave my head tonight. I want to be one step ahead of this monster. I want Anthony to shave it actually, but he wasn't here so I waited.

I'm tired and anxious. Going to take a Lorazepam (sp?) and go to bed. Please send me extra extra warm loving energy and a special prayer for a peaceful heart. There are things other than cancer weighing on me today. Thanks.





Goodnight,
Sue